‘MOST (of our) citizens are now spending on average US$9 per day,” the Minister of (No) Finance, Cde Mthuli “Zwinhu-zwacho” Ncube, told clearly shocked legislators who were attending a pre-budget seminar in Bulawayo recently.
“So, if you are able to spend US$9 per day consistently through the year, you are already middle-income. You are already middle-income! You are already there,” declared the professor, who supposedly spends most of his time on Mars, safely away from the air fouled by the likes of Muck, as he expagorated with celestial conviction.
“The data tells us that we are no longer a small economy, we are a serious economy going forward,” Cde Ncube “seriously” went further. “By the end of December, Zimbabwe will be a fully-fledged middle-income economy.”
Surely, civil servants will be delighted to hear this piece of good news, especially those ungrateful teachers who are always making unnecessary noises.
These are some of the promises (or are they threats?) of the Second Republic that have been fulfilled well ahead of schedule. Remember the target was 2030? Thanks to Owner’s unparalleled leadership prowess, we are already there! Surely, the cow-ntry is being built brick-by-brick. Yes, lie-by-lie, we will get there!
This way, the poor will eventually believe they are rich; the hungry will start believing they are full; the disempowered will start believing they are empowered; the drugs will walk into hospitals on their own, while schools begin receiving daily manna from heaven. Zimbos just need to have faith in the able ownership of Owner.
Vision 2050
With ownership this capable, perhaps it is time Muckraker launched Vision 2050, because 2030 is far too modest! We certainly need a national musical gala to celebrate this milestone, statistics and all!
- Living in cloud cuckoo land
- Congratulations to Owner: We’re now a fully-fledged middle-income economy!
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Ah yes, statistics and data. They are doing all the heavy lifting these days. Only recently, Owners instructed us to insult our neighbours, the very ones who have been feeding us for two decades, because their statistics told them we had had a bumper maize harvest and needed no imports or donations.
A month later, we were begging the same neighbours to sell us some maize because our granaries were almost empty. So much for statistics and data!
More comfort
And Cde Zwinhu-Zwacho is on fire — snapping up the iconic 243-bed Monomotapa Crown Plaza Hotel for MPs so that, after snoring for hours in the National Assembly, the parasites can have an in-house brothel to reward themselves.
Please don’t ask Muck what became of that similar “vision” when government bought the Quality International Hotel in 2011 for exactly the same purpose.
Since then, that property, right in Harare’s CBD, has been left to crumble. Now another one has been bought to accommodate the same useless creatures who don’t deserve even a cotton-picking cent of taxpayers’ money.
Anyone who has been a Zimbo long enough knows this is never about “taking care” of MPs, it is about siphoning funds through underhand purchases dressed up as policy.
Were we not told that the new and bigger parliament building would provide accommodation for legislators on business in Harare?
We will not follow up on that, just as we will not follow up on the “five-star villas” that mysteriously swallowed millions from the Basic Education Assistance Module (Beam) fund before our noisy 2024 Sadc summit. Zwinhu zwacho so ka (These things)!
Anyway, what Zimbos have is a fraudulent parliament made up of fraudulent members, so what exactly should one expect?
This week, the same MPs were being led by their “opposition” leader, Cde Charlton Hwende, in demanding US$150 000 each in housing allowances, on top of the various other amounts already siphoned. Please don’t ask Muck the obvious question: in exchange for what?
Why Dangote is here
Africa’s official richest man (the real richest ones here will always remain unofficial for obvious reasons), Aliko Dangote, arrived in Zimbabwe this week to assess the risks of doing business here — again.
This time, Muck has every reason to believe the risks are worth taking. Since Dangote ventured into oil refining, Zimbabwe is obviously a country of interest, not just because we use the greenback, but because of our beautifully expensive fuel.
At around US$1,60 per litre, Zimbabwe’s fuel market is irresistibly attractive. Compare that to Angola, where protests erupted when the price rose from US$0,30 to US$0,40 (payable in a worthless local currency), or Nigeria, where fuel sells for about US$0,60 per litre.
We all know who controls the fuel market here, don’t we? Zimbos should not dream that a Dangote deal will mean cheaper fuel, no. The idea is to maximise profit: buy cheap, sell high and keep smiling all the way to the bank.
This is just one of the many deals Dangote will be guided into by those curious characters we saw hovering around him and their principals.
Anyway, this being Zimbabwe, when things inevitably go the way they always do, Dangote should never say Muck didn’t warn him. This country isn’t called Zimbabwe for nothing!
Jealousy Ruto
It seems we are not the only ones jealous of Cde Sister Samia Sululu Hassan’s 97% runaway victory. Kenya’s William Ruto, who snubbed the barrack inauguration, claims that in a “normal democracy”, no one gets above 60% of the vote, let alone 97%! Talk of bad neighbourliness! Surely, even Paul Kagame must be furious at Ruto’s careless remarks. What can Ruto — an ICC-indicted mass murderer — possibly lecture the world about democracy? Nxa-a!
Muck4ED
Everyone is scrambling for a seat at the feeding trough. So who is Muck not to join in?
Since there is already an outfit called Journalists4ED, led by one Cde Violet Mashonga and proudly affiliated to the reeling party, Muck is seriously considering launching his own, perhaps Columnists4ED, or better still, the eponymous Muck4ED — just to ensure access (no matter how chancy) to that sacred trough. Hunger is real out here!
Juicy soup
Meanwhile, some of Muck’s loyal followers have been asking about that juicy affiliate Soup4ED, what it stands for, what it does (hopefully, because they want to join). All Muck can say for now is: it stands exactly for that! And, more importantly, it does exactly that!
So, as responsible adults, you are all free, and most welcome, to join this strategic affiliate of the reeling party.
