HomeOpinionMuckraker: ‘The month of November is no-no-no for the emperor’

Muckraker: ‘The month of November is no-no-no for the emperor’

THE nation was this week gripped by one of the most serious questions the nation has ever had to deal with: is the country’s owner a drinker or not?

Video footage emerged of the Ribbon-Cutter-in-Chief having a rather jolly good time at an event where he asked some of his rich cousins to spare some of their loot for a scholarship programme.

Haters immediately spread rumours that he had had one too many. He took off his tie and scarf to sell them to his capturers as ransom, disguised as charity donations. Only for people to tell us that he got so sloshed he took off his magic cloth. Yet, we all know he never takes off the scarf, a national symbol of the albatross around the nation’s neck.

His minions came out to remind us that our owner does not drink this time of the year.

“Folks, the month is November, a good five months into the President’s dry season. A good five months into the no-no-no-alcohol part of his year. Let’s invent other stories of malice, in our vain hope to discredit him,” his mouthy mouthpiece George Charamba frantically announced to the world.

Come on, George. Even if the man was tipsy, and he wasn’t, there would be nothing wrong with that. Across the country, many people are being driven to the bottle due to the economy. The man may or may not have been showing solidarity with the masses.

Imaginary pain

To prove that he was a man of sober habits, the President put on his economics spectacles this week. He told the nation that the economic pain they were suffering is all imaginary.

“If you asked an economist, Zimbabwe’s economy is rapidly improving — our GDP growth is predicted to hit 7,8% this year. As we rebuild our economy, our goal is to make sure that all Zimbabweans reap the benefits of this growth. No Zimbabwean will be left behind,” Mnangagwa said.

That’s right. Investors are breaking down the doors trying to squeeze into the country, the currency is stable and civil servants are being adequately paid, and in their own currency even. All this talk of skilled workers leaving the country, power cuts and rising inflation is the creation of Western stooges bent on derailing the gains of the alleged liberation struggle.

Sound advice to drinkers everywhere; if haters are falsely accusing you of being drunk, the last thing you want to do is to start hallucinating loudly in public.

Zivhu the intellectual

Of course, the whole national debate around whether the country’s alleged leader was drunk or not did not escape the attention of some of the country’s leading thinkers.

One of them was Killer Zivhu, a former Member of Parliament for Zanu PF whose claim to fame is claiming to be the country’s wealthiest cross-border trader. He stood up and told the country that we had it better under our previous owner, a man of apparently sober habits.

“One good thing about (Robert) Mugabe (is) he never got drunk or smoke,” Zivhu said.

This, clearly, shows why the likes of Zivhu are among the country’s intellectual giants. We all know Mugabe was sober when he butchered thousands and etched Zimbabwe’s name in the eternal annals of hyperinflation history.

Zivhu, our philosopher, is obviously correct. Mugabe never got drunk on beer. The man had no time for getting drunk on alcohol. He preferred to get drunk on power.

Loud lords

Like most patriots, Muckraker laughed into his beer this week at the sight of members of the British House of Lords debating Zimbabwe in their ancient parliament building.

One Lord St John of Blesto, a name that fits the image of a regular fox-hunting British lord, dared to ask why Zimbabwe was considering a “Patriotic Bill” to punish sellouts for talking to meddling nuisances such as himself. Kate Hoey, a right winger and ally of the racist Nigel Farage, and a baroness who, by now, must surely be tired of a long career as a Zimbabwe-obsessed comic, demanded that Zambia, of all nations, put pressure on Zimbabwe.

Do you mean our re-engagement is not working? After all that our owner did? You mean flying a luxury jet to Britain, holding hands with the head of the Commonwealth, getting Boris Johnson to admire his magic scarf, and returning home to boast about the smiles he got from the British counted for nothing?

You can keep your Commonwealth.

Lapdogs

Back at the ranch, it was reported that six members of the opposition MDC Alliance had been arrested for telling the police to do their job.

They shouted at a group of cops: “You police officers are Mnangagwa’s dogs. You are being used; you will die suffering.” The police immediately arrested them. The officers, according to the charge sheet, “felt insulted by the accused persons’ utterances and filed a report at the ZRP Epworth.”

This is the ZRP we have all come to know and love. Being professional is all a bit too much hard work. It is easier to prove your critics right. Which is why, in order to prove that they were not the President’s lapdogs, the ZRP officers stuck to what they do best; act exactly like Mnangagwa’s lapdogs.

We surely have the best police force in the world.

‘Cde Rambo’

Chris Mutsvangwa wrote an obituary on Simon Khaya Moyo in the Sunday Mail.

He told us that he single-handedly “scored convincing and decisive victories” against the opposition in the South African press. He even mentioned the “2001 collapse of the Soviet Union”. It seems the news reached him 10 years too late.

It takes someone special to write an obituary about someone, and still manage to make it about yourself. No wonder they call him Cde Rambo. The man would have you believe he won the war alone, like Rambo fighting off the entire Soviet army alone, with one gun.

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