THE nation was delighted this week to be reminded that we are led by miracle workers.
According to a cabinet statement, our government is about to build so many schools that teachers from around the country will be flocking to Zimbabwe to teach in our spare schools.
“To cater for the increase in demand for both primary and secondary education and ensure that no child walks more than 5km to school, the Ministry of Primary and Secondary Education intends to build 3 000 new schools by 2025,” the Misinformation minister Monica Mutsvangwa announced.
Unpatriotic people immediately brought out Western-sponsored calculators and pointed out that this means building an average of two schools a day.
After over four decades of miraculous leadership, why are people still in doubt? That we were promised 2 000 schools by 2023 in the 2018 election is neither here nor there. May we also not bring up that promise of free education by 2019.
People are allowed to make new promises once old ones run out.
Speaking of Mutsvangwa and miracles, we all ecstatically joined the minister in praying for the nation during a visit to a shrine in Odzi. The occasion was the celebration of the birthday of a church leader, Archbishop Mwazha, who turned a sprightly 103.
We all saw Mutsvangwa, in blue gown, swaying in the spirit and singing along to spiritual songs, praising the church for standing against sanctions.
The church’s head of publicity, Gwatirera Javangwe, seeing a fellow propagandist at the shrine, went into overdrive.
“Archbishop Mwazha always taught us to vote for Zanu PF. The church and government are one thing. I promise that we will continue working closely with our government. That’s our assurance,” Javangwe was quoted as saying in the Herald, the paper of absolute facts.
We are all grateful to see religious leaders upholding Biblical principles. Who can dare vote against a party that has been chosen in the spirit?
The whole world is gripped with anticipation ahead of the announced launch of what we are told will be a “tell all” book by Saviour Kasukuwere, the man who is so peaceful they named him after a boxer.
According to one of his minions this week: “We wish to give assurance to our growing list of potential Tyson supporters to be patient throughout this issues-based campaign like no other.”
We are happy to see Kasukuwere back on the front pages of papers. Some of us were beginning to miss the days when some newspapers became internal staff newsletters for Zanu PF factions.
Meanwhile, Muckraker is already joining the long queue to buy Kasukuwere’s book. We are sure there are many practical lessons in that book. It will have lectures on issues such as how to use clubs and machetes effectively and how to grab orange plantations and destroy them as quickly as possible.
This week, the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc) announced that it was surprised to learn that there was corruption in the allocation of agricultural inputs.
Zacc said it had “received an overwhelming number of reports from farmers across Zimbabwe complaining about the unprofessional way community leaders are distributing inputs for the Pfumvudza/Intwasa programme”.
Of course, it is a shock to everyone in the country that there is unfair distribution of seed and fertiliser in the country.
Zacc continued: “It is against this background that Zacc is strongly warning perpetrators of this criminal conduct that the commission will descend heavily on them, without fear, favour or prejudice.”
This is shocking lack of patriotism at Zacc. Come on, Zacc, what is the point of seed and fertiliser if we cannot distribute them corruptly? Is Zacc suggesting that inputs be distributed transparently to all citizens? Is that not against party policy? What would be the benefit of doing such silly things? Disband this Zacc thing immediately.
After many weeks of crippling power cuts, the government released a statement to ensure that there was no alarm and despondency.
“The technical team and management have been making concerted efforts to bring normalcy and enhance sustained generation … Accordingly, the power utility will further reduce load-shedding,” the government announced.
Statements such as these, coming from good, credible leadership, will always work in calming the masses in times of crisis.
This explains why, upon hearing promises that there will now be less load-shedding, Zimbabweans did what any sensible person who lives in the country would do: they began preparing for more load-shedding.
The country’s owner will be disappointed to read a certain report.
This week, Muckraker found himself with more idle time than usual and read a report by a Western-sponsored NGO, the Crisis in Zimbabwe Coalition.
The report, called Plus a Change, The Second Republic’s Governance Performance Since 2017, aims purportedly to rate our current owner, Emmerson Mnangagwa, against our previous late landlord.
According to the report: “Based on key business and economic indicators useful for assessing the strength of the economy, the Second Republic scorecard has never been different from its predecessor.”
You see, this is why we are enacting patriotic laws to ban these boring NGOs, especially the ones that love crisis so much that they put it into their names.
This is a disappointing report for Mnangagwa. Saying he is the same as Mugabe is an insult when the man is trying as hard as he can to be worse.
Are you saying he is failing at that as well?