SOON after spending acres of space and hours in the state media telling the masses that Nelson Chamisa is a finished nonentity, Zanu PF decided to prove it in the best way possible.
In Masvingo this week, “revolutionaries” took time off their busy schedules of land preparation, to take up neatly printed placards and block the roads to make sure he does not meet anyone.
This week’s action, clearly, was to make sure that Chamisa is not allowed to pollute the minds of poor peasants. We cannot have that “boy” speaking to ordinary folks lest he fill their minds with dangerous ideas; we are talking silly ideas like rule of law, human rights and speaking against national goals like poverty creation.
We congratulate Zanu PF for showing the world that it is not afraid of Chamisa, by acting like it is afraid of Chamisa. It is the same clever philosophy that makes state media declare Chamisa a nobody one minute, and then dedicate mountains of coverage on him the next minute. We are blessed to have such geniuses in charge of the land.
Insecure Zanu PF
When news that Chamisa’s entourage had been attacked in Masvingo came through, some of us already knew what this was. It was just the usual play-acting by the MDC Alliance to try and gain political mileage.
According to Nick Mangwana, our continent’s most believable spokesperson, this was all a big act by the opposition to win attention before a summit in the United Kingdom and the visit of a United Nations official.
Of course, he is right. Those of us, who have lived under the glorious rule of Zanu PF, know that each time Zanu PF is insecure about something, strange things start happening. People start hitting themselves in the head with knobkerries, butchering themselves with machetes and even shooting themselves in the back with guns at 45 degree angles, only to blame innocent Zanu PF.
Patrick Chinamasa, Zanu PF’s designated babbler, said there was violence because Chamisa was forcing people to listen to him.
“I heard he was trying to force himself on an audience, which did not want to listen to him. He had no right to do that,” Chinamasa said.
He is right. Chamisa has no right to force people to his rallies. Only Zanu PF is allowed to do that.
This week, the streets of Damascus were awash with shocking news. It was reported that Saul, one of the city’s most well-known thugs, claimed to have finally seen the error of his ways.
“Violence is unacceptable and we should all condemn it. Zimbabweans are a peaceful people and those behind these violent acts should not be allowed to get away with it,” Kasukuwere, who himself was allowed to get away with it, said.
News that Kasukuwere is no longer an evangelist of violence was received with widespread incredulity all across Mashonaland Central. This is a place where he showed how peaceful Zimbabweans were through methods that may or may not have included the use of pesticides on people’s faces and just general good old-fashioned butchery.
We shall soon send out word to all the Gentiles of Mashonaland Central to let them know that their favourite butcher is now a vegetarian.
Muckraker is old enough to remember one Don Mumbamarwo, an opposition candidate foolish enough to stand against “Tyson” in Mt Darwin South in one election.
The court petition filed after the 2000 election, in which Kasukuwere obviously romped to victory with a margin of Biblical proportions, showed how peaceful the man has always been. According to the report, Mumbamarwo was visited by very peaceful thugs.
“The lorry was carrying between 11-15 people. Respondent (Kasukuwere) was seated in the front part of the lorry. (Mumbamarwo) saw people disembark from the lorry and go into his homestead. He ran away into the bush and a kilometre away, he boarded a bus for Bindura. He did not return to the farm. Four days later, he learnt that his farm had been burnt down.”
We are sure it became a peaceful farm after that. Who wants troublesome MDC people making noise in serene Mt Darwin?
Once again, the nation was gripped by bouts of shameful jealous this week. It was announced that George Guvamatanga had splurged a large amount of his own money for his own party, to celebrate life.
Video circulated of Guvamatanga promising to pay a musician five times their usual charge. When people complained that a civil servant was spending too much money for their liking, he told them that it was not his business to pretend to be poor. He had the sort of money that mercenary Simon Mann once described as “a large splodge of wonga”.
Who are we to question a man who worked in a bank all his life, he told us? Should we not be grateful that, with all his riches, he chose to work for nothing in the civil service?
Surely, these are the civil servants we want. We are tired of employing poor people as civil servants. They only get too excited and stash our taxes in their trousers. From now on, only rich people should be put in those positions. They understand poor people better.
Arrest them all
In order to tame inflation, the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe came up with an old idea that has been proved effective time and time again: putting people in jail.
Bored by sitting around at that phallic-shaped edifice on Samora Machel Avenue, two agents of the Financial Intelligence Unit — remember the “Intelligence” part is silent — went into a shop and bought themselves five litres each of cleaning liquid. They were charged at an unpatriotic exchange rate, and immediately ordered the arrest of directors of the company, including the chief executive officer.
This is the sort of monetary policy we expect from John Mangudya and the RBZ. When all else fails, arrest everyone on sight. It has been known that the more people you arrest, the less inflation you have in a country. Comrades, we must immediately arrest inflation.