THIS week, in a statement marking the anniversary of the death of Simon Muzenda, once the country’s deputy owner, the country’s current owner startled his lieutenants with a shocking remark.
“Our youths should embrace the values he exuded and espoused so that they too can play leading roles in our communities as change agents,” President Emmerson Mnangagwa said.
News reaching us is that many chefs are in shock and wondering, as they say in the dark world that is Zanu PF, “if we are still together”. They did not even read the rest of the statement to see if he was talking about Vision 2030.
Surely, a whole Zanu PF leader? Using the terms “youths” and “change” in the same sentence? The clueless fellow is clearly begging to be impeached for lack of probity.
Zanu PF auction
Speaking of youths, Zanu PF decided to auction its policy document this week in order to raise money to feast on.
Naturally, there was a stampede. Surely, who would not want to be in possession of a Zanu PF policy document? It is rare, much-sought-after literature, desired globally by some of the world’s leading academics.
This is why one Scott Sakupwanya doled out US$10 000 for his copy of the document.
“What is exciting about the new dispensation is that it is creating opportunities for youths to flourish in business. We want to thank God for giving us a president like him,” a Sakupwanya minion was quoted as saying.
We are certain that, inside the policy document, are tips on how such patriotic youths can liberate gold mines from their rightful owners.
Still at Zanu PF, the party this week held a politburo meeting, which is nothing really beyond a large group of overweight men and women meeting to sleep and exchange hot air.
It was announced that, at the party’s next national snooze fest, disguised as an annual conference, only those vaccinated would be allowed to attend. It is a good thing there is no rule that says only those not guilty of corruption must attend, lest there be empty tents and tonnes of meat with nobody there to eat.
What is on the agenda? According to Mike Bimha, who is acting loudspeaker of Zanu PF, the party will have a session to “take stock of promises which were made in 2018 … we will talk about milestones achieved”.
A session to list the party’s fulfilled election promises? This will, quite clearly, be the shortest session at the conference.
Tech savvy CCC
It was reported this week that a new party, calling itself the Citizens Convergence for Change (CCC) had been formed. Of course, lazy detractors started claiming that this party was only meant to sow confusion in the opposition ranks. Clearly, there are just jealous people unable to deal with this new political force emerging from the bustling political battlefields of Buhera.
Is this not the multiparty plurality some of you people marched up and down Harare’s dirty streets for?
One Varaidzo Musungo, in a letter to the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission, the world’s most transparent elections body, announced that the party’s new logo would be a cell phone emoji.
Why go to the lengths of designing clenched fists and open palms as party symbols when one can simply use smiley faces and hands from WhatsApp? It was about time the country had a party that was this technologically savvy.
Muckraker was inspired this week, reading how Valdimir Putin in Russia is preparing for elections.
In St Petersburg, Boris Vishnevsky, a professor and a liberal candidate, is campaigning to be an MP. Running against him are the two other rival candidates, Boris Vishnevsky and Boris Vishnevsky. By a stroke of genius, there are two other candidates who have the same name, and even look exactly like him, also running for office.
The electoral commission has allowed the imposters to register on the ballot. This is, of course, the natural thing for any patriotic electoral commission to do.
We hope our own patriots at Zec are taking notice.
Should Douglas Mwonzora decide to stand as Nelson Chamisa in 2023, complete with a picture that looks like that of Chamisa, we do not want any unpatriotic noise from the usual quarters.
Speaking of events in the opposition, the government was shaken to the core this week when Job Sikhala threatened to shut down the country.
Obviously, annoyed that someone was trying to register “CCC” on behalf of his dithering party, Sikhala warned: “If this situation continues to throttle our democratic space, some of us will lose our temper very soon. I will shut down this country of course like I did last July,” Sikhala roared.
The threat must be taken seriously by all concerned. The most worried must be Sarah Mahoka, who may or may not have had a rather heavy-set man seeking refuge in her ceiling around that same time. She must, as a matter of urgency, call her carpenter to reinforce her ceiling.
It is disappointing that, weeks after the country launched its space programme, necessary changes are still to be made to important titles of the nation.
We saw the Herald hailing our space plans by telling the world in an emphatic headline: Zimbabwe enters new space era. On ZBC-TV, the country’s best television station, and also the country’s only TV station, spent half a news bulletin telling us about our scientific breakthrough, the envy of all our poor neighbours.
And yet, none of these media outlets have gone ahead and done the needful. Surely, it is no longer enough to simply call our leader “Head of State and Government and Commander-in-Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces”. That is too old. It leaves out more of his sterling achievements.
In addition to titles like Chancellor of All Universities, Ribbon-cutter-in-Chief and Commissioner-General of All Low-Lying Bridges, Loving Husband to the Country’s Leading Philanthropist, Father of Entrepreneurs, and so forth; surely, we must, at banquet decked out with those colourful sheets that we use as décor supplied by patriotic tenderpreneurs, add the title of Astronomer-in-Chief to our dear leader’s growing list of accolades.