We all already knew our owner, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, had many hidden talents. They are so well hidden that some upstarts move around saying that he has no talents at all. But all has now been revealed; we are led by a literary genius.
The man has just released a book, A Life of Sacrifice.
Speaking at the book launch, Mnangagwa said: “Our nation is underpinned by continual sacrifices. What differs is the form and nature of sacrifice demanded of us at every development stage of our nation, and the circumstances that face and shape it.”
Given his record, a more apt title would have been “A Life of Sacrificing Others”.
Cross, the writer
What better writer to have written the book than Eddie Cross. He is one of the most creative writers around.
Who can forget in 2016, when Cross wrote that our previous owner and national goblin, Robert Mugabe, “had some sort of medical collapse” while on a plane to Swaziland. Apparently, Mugabe “collapsed in the meeting and was given medical treatment and then taken to his plane to fly home early”.
Mugabe, Cross wrote on his blog, then had a stroke mid-flight.
“I do not think he can come back from this and we must now assume that the long-awaited transition to a new government and new leadership is at long last about to start. What now happens is that the constitutional transition to a new President starts,” Cross wrote.
It is therefore no surprise that Cross was chosen to write this hagiography. Be advised that when you need to write a book in which things are made up and facts are not an issue, Eddie Cross is just the right man for the job.
All around the country, people are lining the streets waiting for a chance to pay US$15 for the book. That the price is quoted in a foreign currency, and not our own trusted currency, is neither here nor there.
Ordinary patriots have bought piles of the book. Among them was Scott Sakupwanya, the gold dealer famous for taking selfies while lying on piles of cash. Then there is Farai Jere, who is in court because he may or may not have swindled Zesa of a mere US$3,5 million in a smart meters deal.
These are the sort of patriots we want to see in the country. Very soon, we will make an appeal to the Ministry of Education to make sure that the new book be made compulsory reading as part of the school curriculum. Our kids must also read what other successful investors like Jere and Sakupwanya are reading.
We congratulate all the heroes who received medals on Heroes Day for their sterling work in building the nation.
Some of the award winners — the likes of Ngwabi Bhebhe, Phathisa Nyati, Primrose Kurasha and others — were given medals for doing useless things like merely reading a few books more than the rest of us. That is why they got silver medals.
Who got the Order of the Star of Zimbabwe gold medal? None other than Auxillia Mngagagwa. While others got medals for medicine, teaching, science and so forth, she was recognised for her biggest achievement — fixing the poverty created by her husband.
We all know where this goes next. Next logical step is a three-month doctorate degree from the University of Zimbabwe, and Zupco buses with her posters with “Munhu wese kuna Amai” banners all over the country.
Why re-invent the wheel when we can always follow the success of those that have gone before us?
Speaking of the First Lady, she was in the press recently lecturing women on the errors of their ways. We want women who are of upstanding morality, she said, not those of a loose disposition. Those women are holding the country back in more ways than they realise, she said.
Women who constantly gossip and like loitering in the neighboughood are no good for the country, she told a gathering.
“Such unproductive behaviour affects the marriage as the husband is constantly stressed and under pressure because of his wife’s unbecoming behaviour. This, in turn, affects his efficiency at work meaning he cannot carry out national duty effectively,” she said.
We have no reason to disagree here. She sounded like someone talking from experience.
According to a Herald article, the national heroes who gave their lives are pleased with what they are seeing around the country.
“Second Republic fulfils heroes’ aspirations,” the Herald said. We can only assume that the paper’s intrepid, ever-diligent reporters came to this conclusion after conducting interviews with departed heroes at the National Shrine.
Of course, to back up their claim, the Herald quoted Chris Mutsvangwa, who has told everyone who cares to listen that he is the most war vet of war vets.
Mutsvangwa said of the departed heroes: “Their spirits yearn for the actuality of national prosperity they fought and sacrificed for.”
No doubt those comrades will be delighted to see the prosperity in Harare’s northern suburbs, the big cars and the distended bellies of those that remained behind.
In order to make sure the people of Zimbabwe do not go hungry, the European Union (EU) is giving US$12 each to some of the poorest people in the country’s urban areas, it was announced this week.
“At the EU, we are committed to working with partners like WFP (World Food Programme) to bring life-saving assistance to vulnerable populations, most of whom are struggling to make ends meet in these challenging times,” EU Ambassador Timo Olkkonen said.
Of course, these European detractors think patriots cannot see through their plan.
Now that they see that their local opposition lapdogs have run out of steam, drifting along with no plan beyond bickering among themselves and tweeting, the West is now trying to bribe our people. Soon, we will make sure this money is channelled through the right channels.
Surely, there is better use of all this money than wasting it on urban voters.