HomeColumnistsFrom hullabaloo over Rolls Royce to ‘gallant’ donations

From hullabaloo over Rolls Royce to ‘gallant’ donations

Detractors and lazy people across the nation were this week choking on their jealousy after it was announced that a hard working politician may or may not have bought a car that costs a few clinics.

Twitter: @MuckrakerZim

According to reports, Tino Machakaire, the Deputy Minister of Sport and a ZanuPF MP of a rural constituency, was said to have rewarded himself with a Rolls Royce from the United Kingdom. There was unnecessary noise over this, as people suggested that this was evidence of grand theft.

This is the problem with lazy people, and Machakaire found it necessary to remind the nation, saying: “I do have the capacity to buy the car in question and more.”

With the rate at which comrades will keep showing their success by buying more and more cars, jealous people will never have peace in this country.

Machakaire then added: “In my entire life I have never applied for a government tender or wish to have one.”

That is correct. Why apply for government tenders when contracts can simply be given to you?

Tagwirei donation

Speaking of successful businesspeople, it was heart-warming to see some of the country’s finest businesspeople gathering at State House to share their obviously legally-acquired wealth with the masses.

There was a ceremony to hand over millions of dollars’ worth of donations for the Covid-19 fight.

We thank fuel baron Kuda Tagwirei for his donation of 300 000 litres of fuel from his vast reserves. His ZW$261 million (US$3,07 million) donation must have been very hard for him. What a massive sacrifice. He went on to donate five cars to the police to help them fight crime.

In a totally unrelated matter, Muckraker recalls reading about how the mafia came to the aid of poor people in Italian cities. They donated food and other goodies to the masses.

Of course, one hater, Federico Varese, professor of criminology at the University of Oxford, told the papers then: “These handouts by the mafias are not gifts. The mafia does not do anything out of its kind heart. They are favours that everyone will have to pay back in some form or another.”

Again, totally unrelated.

More donations

It was also good seeing one Scott Sakupwanya among the patriots donating goods to the nation. The man gave a donation of US$100 000.

In case sanctions have erased memories, Sakupwanya is the astute businessman who posted selfies posing with gold bars of unknown origins, and large piles of cash.

Accordingly, Zanu PF youth leader Tendai Chirau was all praises for the man, describing him as a “gallant and selfless compatriot”. Apparently, according to Chirau, Sakupwanya is “a youthful entrepreneur involved in the mining value chain”.

Chirau went on: “We urge all youths to emulate this cadre, whose example leaves an indelible footprint as one of the milestones in our collective struggle against a common enemy.”

Indeed. These are the entrepreneurs our young people should be looking to for inspiration. We have no doubt that other leading entrepreneurs in the “mining value chain”, such as Henrietta Rushwaya, will soon also make their own gallant contributions.

Muckraker has always respected muggers who rob you, take all your money, but then have the heart of giving you back your ID documents and your empty tattered wallet. Bless their kind hearts.

Quality service

It was announced this week that, due to Covid-19, the government will reduce the number of staff manning the offices. From now on, there will only be 25% of the civil service in their offices.

“This may have serious effect on the quality of service the public will receive, please bear with us,” said Nick Mangwana, the world’s most credible government spokesperson.

The news that there was actually any service in government offices, let alone service of any quality whatsoever, was received with much shock around the country. Even civil servants themselves were surprised to learn that they had been supposedly working all along. Zimbabweans will be hard-pressed to tell the difference between a government office that has 100% staff reporting for work, and one that has only 10%.

The nation was unaware of any work being done in government offices.

Clever Alek 

The nation wishes to congratulate the MDC Alliance, which finally discovered the importance of Covid-19 vaccines this week.

“This is not the time for politicking. The focus must be on saving lives,” the MDC-A announced, possibly talking to the mirror. Better late than ever.

After months of Zanu PF-style dithering, in which the party hopped from one preferred vaccine to the other and telling us that their leader would not take part in a vaccination programme unless it was “safe”, its leaders started posting pictures of their vaccination cards.

Some of them, much to their followers’ horror, showed they had been vaccinated months ago. Muckraker was reminded of Clever Alek in boarding school, who whispered to gullible pals not to study for the test, while he slid away quietly to study overnight in the locker room.

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