IT was announced this week that the government has decided to go after drug kingpins and crime lords.
Speaking at the funeral of national hero, Father Emmanuel Ribeiro, the current owner of the country made a startling announcement.
“President (Emmerson) Mnangagwa yesterday sounded the death knell to drug kingpins, drug peddlers, and gun-toting robbers after he instructed the country’s law enforcement agents to smoke out and bring such characters to book,” reported The Herald, the southern hemisphere’s most trusted news source.
On being given orders that they must go after drug kingpins, drug peddlers and gun-toting robbers, the country’s law enforcement agents were left confused. Everyone knows that, generally, it is physically difficult to put handcuffs on yourself and throw yourself in jail.
Still at the funeral, Mnangagwa declared that his government, known far and wide across the globe for creating limitless opportunities for the youths, would come down hard on anyone working against the interests of young people.
“Unbecoming trends such as the alarming entry of destructive drugs into our jurisdiction, threaten the fate of our youth,” the President said.
At Zanu PF headquarters, there was clearly much celebration over these threats.
It is good to see a leader making sure that the party has no competition in the lucrative enterprise of “threatening the fate of our youth”.
The party is fully capable of doing that all on its own and does not need any help from rival criminals to do it.
The nation was delighted to see Cde Kembo Mohadi appearing in public yet again.
Not only was he acknowledged as “Vice-President” at Heroes Acre, he was captured at Jongwe House speaking about the party’s plans for 2023.
Lest some of us have forgotten; while Kembo was dismissed as State VP, he remains VP of the party that runs the State. A good deal for someone who got fired for no reason.
At Zanu PF HQ, Mohadi, who has been given the new role of running things there, declared: “We have set ourselves a target of five million votes (in 2023). I am confident that we can achieve that. But I can’t discuss with you the modalities of how we are going to get there.”
No doubt the methods will include things like using axes and luring young people.
These are two things that we can be sure Cde Mohadi is closely familiar with.
Far from the madding poor
Another leader having the time of his life is the economic genius, Mthuli Ncube.
Ncube decided that he needed time away from all the poor people he has created, and went off to the lowveld for a spot of fishing at Malilangwe.
Now, anyone who knows anything knows how much it costs to crash for a night at some of the lodges down there.
Of course, jealous people got angry with Mthuli for posting pictures of himself on holiday. But, let’s be fair here, what’s a few thousand dollars per night for a man who was swimming in private fund money in Zurich before he decided to come save us?
Just ask one Jean Claude Bastos de Morais, Mthuli’s former boss at Quantum Global in Zurich. Bastos was a friend of José Filomeno “Zénu” dos Santos, the son of Angola’s former owner.
The two chaps ran Angola’s sovereign wealth fund before, it is alleged, the two decided that they have better use of Angolan money than Angolan people.
Let Mthuli enjoy his peace, please.
Trivilising the major
Speaking of peace, the National Peace and Reconciliation Commission (NPRC) had no peace whatsoever this week due to unnecessary noise from obviously jealous people.
Obert Gutu, a newly-minted NPRC commissioner, was asked about Gukurahundi at a press conference.
He replied: “It’s a pity that normally people look at the commission as only dealing with one issue of Gukurahundi. I think Gukurahundi is just a small, tiny fraction of the various other disputes we are talking about.”
Of course this made a lot of people angry. But, of course, those who pushed for Gutu’s appointment must be wondering what the fuss is all about. To the country’s owners, anyone who plays down atrocities is just the right man for the job at an organisation meant to deal with atrocities. We can’t have people who demand accountability; lest we be forced to actually address the matter instead of pretending it never happened.
Meanwhile, over in the opposition, the MDC-Alliance is gripped with the most critical questions facing the nation right now.
It is the critical matter of what surname to give their party. According to NewsDay, party officials are weighing the idea of changing the name to MDC-Chamisa. That, of course, will be a great show of creativity that will be sure to shame detractors.eanwhile, over in the opposition, the MDC-Alliance is gripped with the most critical questions facing the nation right now.
“After all, in 2008 we called ourselves MDC-Tsvangirai to deal with challenges that were there,” according to Tendai Biti. They should listen to him. Clearly, after forming his own party whose symbol was an orange fruit — and at one time they had actual oranges displayed at a press conference — the man knows one or two things about branding.
In Redcliff, there are wild celebrations as the town anticipates the resumption of operations at Ziscosteel. This is because a traditional bira ceremony was held at the company, which has been shut down now for over 20 years.
“The event was for us to plead with our ancestors to watch over operations at the company. Remember this company deals with minerals and our ancestors watch over the minerals,” Chief Weight Gwesela said.
We now expect to see the company miraculously become one of the biggest steel companies on the continent yet again. Image all the time we wasted time trying to attract new investors, from everywhere from India to Germany. All this time, all we needed was a bira. We now need a national one to revive the entire economy.
Reserve Bank of Love
This week, the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe came out in public to address a serious national issue.
“The bank wishes to express its displeasure at the images circulating on social media of a man and a woman hugging each other on the smoking zone, mezzanine floor of the bank building,” the RBZ said in a statement.
It is always a relief to know that our monetary authorities are busy with the most pressing matter affecting the economy; two lovers seen hugging at the bank’s building. We will all sleep well at night, safe in the knowledge that we have diligent people at central bank.