THIS week, the nation was reminded of the things that can lend you in prison in this country, and the things that do not.
MDC-Alliance activist Makomborero Haruzivishe will spend the next 14 months in prison. His crime? The dastardly act of whistling in the middle of Harare. The man was arrested during protests against police. According to the charges, as dutifully reported by The Herald: “Haruzivishe then started whistling and inciting members of the public to resist the police officers who were discharging their duties”.
He should have known better. Next time, he should try a less damaging crime if he wants to stay out of jail; such as looting diamonds, smuggling gold, grabbing stands, defrauding hospitals, cutting underhand dealings in the name of agriculture, or shooting unarmed people in the back. Not this business of whistling in the middle of Harare. Please, we are in the New Dispensation. We do not tolerate criminal behaviour.
The nation has been called upon to celebrate the result of the President’s frequent trips abroad.
According to The Herald, quoting Nick Mangwana, the country’s most credible source of information: “President Mnangagwa’s foreign trips have been fruitful as shown by results on the ground in the form of road projects, agriculture mechanisation and provision of quality health care”.
News that Zimbabwe now has quality health care must have come as a shock to the people of Zimbabwe. At Mpilo, they will be surprised, seeing as they have had to shut down radiology services because there isn’t a single physician. It will also be shocking to all the doctors and nurses struggling to get by on meagre wages, and being expected to heal patients through prayer and fasting since hospitals have little equipment and medicine.
According to Mangwana, in a tweet, “every foreign trip and every engagement undertaken by President @edmnangagwa has resulted in tangible results on the ground”.
This can only mean that the word “tangible” has a different meaning in these parts.
Meanwhile, Zanu PF continues in its efforts to unite the nation.
According to a leaked memo, the party is roping in everyone from its own officials to local government officials into its campaign to win the 2023 elections.
“In order to create a strong bond between the party and government, the DCC members will be trained with local government officials comprising the party district co-ordination committees, chairman of the rural district councils, chief executive officer of the RDCs, district development coordinators and local chiefs,” the memo said, according to reports.
Next, we will hear weak-kneed Western puppets complaining that this goes against the law. They will bleat long, loud and hard that forcing government officials into party issues is against the Constitution. Please, why read the Constitution when there are more important things to read; like the syllabus of the Zanu PF Herbert Chitepo School of Ideology.
This is what our kids should be reading in school. It is a far more important document for their survival than this Constitution some sellouts speak of.
Academics across the country are excited to learn of a new scholarly proposal announced by Professor Jonathan Moyo this past week. He has called on them to research into the ethnicity of officials in Mnangagwa’s government.
He tweeted to his adoring followers: “Dear lecturers and students of public administration or management or sociology or law at Zim varsities; please chart a detailed ethnographic organogram of Mnangagwa’s administration, outlining key positions across the board, and share it with the public. People will be shocked!”
A noble cause, if ever there was one. This is the depth of academic research that the nation has been waiting for. We are sure that leading academic luminaries, such as Dr Grace Mugabe, can be called in from their premature retirement to complete this task of national importance — in record time.
First Lady Auxillia Mnangagwa has been traversing the length and breadth of the country, teaching the masses how to cook. In Lupane, on her latest stop, she was plied with praise for delivering lessons to wives all around the world.
Inside a lengthy Herald article in her escapades was this gem: “On a lighter note, Mrs Agnes Nyathi, the wife of Chief Pashu from Binga, said the competition could not have come at a better time as some women were being sent-packing for failing to prepare meals which endeared them to their husbands.”
Mrs Nyathi was not done. She went on: “When I did research in Binga, I discovered that most young women were being dumped by their husbands owing to failure to prepare traditional dishes. Men enjoy well-prepared dishes and not half-cooked meals full of oil.”
It is such good news to hear that women are made for the kitchen. This is the sort of progressive teachings our daughters must learn from all these cookery lessons. The only bad news is that Amai is traveling so frequently that her hubby is deprived of her obviously superior culinary expertise.
Over atop Mount Propaganda on Sam Nujoma Avenue, a competition is in full swing for the most fawning headlines on the New Dr Amai.
The headlines over recent weeks have been a marvel. There was Traditional leaders throw weight behind First Lady. Then there was Mbare hosts First Lady’s all-inclusive programme. There was First Lady brings cheer to Mhangura and also Cultural experts rally behind First Lady’s programme.
Muckraker recommends Youths hail First Lady’s motherly guidance as a winning entry. Someone should sponsor a new “First Lady Headline Writer of the Year Award” at the next journalism awards. It takes a special talent to be this consistent in bootlicking. Such skills cannot go unrewarded.
The Sunday Mail’s Chimurenga Chronicles are always a fascinating read for history lovers, Muckraker included. This is mostly because it is entertaining watching people attempt to rewrite history in plain sight, on a day many set aside for worship and piety.
This week, the paper had a Stephen Mugwagwa, a former member of the Rhodesian African Rifles, the group of black soldiers who were ready to give their lives for Ian Smith. He was given acres of space to tell the world that, in his mind, those killed during Gukurahundi deserved it as they supported the dissidents. “So the army reacted militarily, and not politically,” he said.
Of course, this is no shock. Some of the most brutal men during Gukurahundi were ex-Rhodesian fighters, who were overeager to please. Gukurahundi was “misinterpreted, that Mugabe killed people”, he went on.
Well done to the Sunday Mail. This must be the first report we have ever read of thousands of people that pretended to die.
Over in the Senate, there was exemplary camaraderie as people came together to tear up the Constitution.
Senators voted Constitutional Amendment No. 1 Bill into an Act, which sets the stage to change the laws and make it easier for the President to appoint replacement judges without bothering us with fake consultations. Senators from the Douglas Mowonzora’s strain of the MDC voted for the law, much to nobody’s surprise.
Chief Fortune Charumbira was delighted: “The acrimony which characterised previous politics is fading away and I want to thank honourable Senator Mwonzora’s party for what it is doing. The enemy has been shamed. Please keep that spirit.”
This is just the sort of opposition we need; one that doesn’t oppose.