THIS week, all revolutionaries around the country were delighted to hear the news; comrades have finally stopped pretending to be a progressive “New Dispensation”.
It was a long time coming. For over three years now, the world was told that Zanu PF was changing, and that it was leaving its old ways behind.
Of course, real revolutionaries were getting worried. How would they recognise their party if it does not preach hate and violence? Who were these imposters, many were beginning to ask.
So, it was time for great cheer when news came from Zanu PF on Saturday.
“I challenge war veterans to display their wartime vibrancy and mobilisation acumen in preparation of the 2023 elections,” President Emmerson Mnangagwa told the Central Committee.
We all know what “wartime vibrancy and mobilisation mean”.
There was mass ululation from the floor of the party headquarters. This is hardly surprising. We all know that when a Zanu PF person spends such a long period of time without swinging an axe at someone’s head, they begin to suffer depression. Nobody wants that.
Still at Zanu PF, news that Victor Matemadanda was fired for incompetence has confounded many who work inside that building that looks like a heavily soiled milk carton.
According to reports, Matemadanda was fired from his position as Zanu PF political commissar for incompetence. This is very puzzling. First of all, when has incompetence ever been a dismissible offence in Zanu PF? It is a requirement, which is why the likes of Obert Gutu and Blessing Chebundo were able to qualify with no hassles.
Second, what is the job description of a party commissar? Is it not to regularly spew the dumbest stuff one can muster with regular abandon? Matemadanda was, certainly, not incompetent in this department.
Take, for example, his recent declaration: “You think that we liberated this country to surrender it? Do you think that we missed a greater part of our youth days liberating this country to donate it? If that is the case then we need to be examined by psychiatrists.”
Now, how do you fire a man working so hard to follow party policies?
Same old tricks
Across the country, mass defections continue to be reported of MDC-Alliance supporters joining Zanu PF.
In Kwekwe, it was reported that 400 MDC-Alliance members had ditched their party to join the revolutionary party. As evidence, party regalia was paraded for all to see.
A pile of newly-printed MDC-Alliance party membership cards were paraded.
Of course, the MDC-Alliance said it was all a lie. David Coltart, the MDC Alliance treasurer, said: “As Treasurer General . . . I have been responsible for the production of membership cards and they look nothing like this.”
Muckraker joins the nation in expressing shock at news that the MDC-Alliance actually has any type of party cards at all. We look forward to seeing samples.
Meanwhile, Chebundo was yet again trying to explain why he lost his senses. A month on, the man is still talking about why he joined Zanu PF. Clearly, he is yet to convince even himself, hence the repeated explanations.
“MDC as an opposition party is now 21 years old, but we realised we were not going anywhere in the opposition,” he was quoted as saying this week.
In other words, what Chebudo is saying is that he ditched a party that has failed for 21 years, and joined one that has failed for 41 years. No wonder even he himself is still unconvinced.
Muckraker is puzzled as to why people are up in arms that Obert Gutu has been shortlisted among candidates to be appointed to the National Peace and Reconciliation Committee (NPRC).
We are seeing these Western-funded political activists and lawyers pulling out the law, saying no member of a political party should sit on the committee. They need to read the NPRC charter first.
It clearly says the NPRC is all about “reconciliation” and the “peaceful resolution of disputes”.
It adds that commissioners must be people with “integrity, knowledge and understanding of, and experience in, mediation, conciliation, conflict prevention and management, post-conflict reconciliation or peace building”.
Who knows “post-conflict reconciliation” more than a man who joins a party that he once vowed he would never join? Who is better to teach us all about integrity than a man who can change his mind at the sign of a trinket or two? Give the man the seat.
This week, a new report jointly supervised by the World Food Programme and the Zimbabwe government released some very unpatriotic news.
Apparently, poverty is increasing in the country, according to the ZimVAC report.
It said: “There has been a sharp decline in the standard of living across poor urban communities in Zimbabwe with 83% of urban households now below the cost of the minimum expected food items such as mealie meal, salt and cooking oil compared to 76,8% in 2019.”
Were we not told that all is well in the economy?
Of course, one is tempted to remember Gaslight, the old Victorian thriller by Patrick Hamilton. An abusive man convinces his wife that she is going crazy. All the bad stuff happening around her, he tells her, is all in her head. It’s not real. Everything is alright.
But some of us are patriotic. We demand that whoever wrote this ZimVac report must be the first to be tried under the much-awaited Patriotic Bill. Have they not heard that the economy is now recovering? Are they not aware that the country has a fiscal surplus? How can people be poor when we are balancing the books?
The Zanu PF headquarters were shaken his week by threats by opposition party Zapu that it plans to recall the likes of Cain Mathema, Sithembiso Nyoni and others, because they were once members of Zapu.
The party’s southern region director of communication Patrick Ndlovu, told the press: “We still have some Zapu people purporting to be the party’s members in government yet their membership with Zapu has ceased since the unity accord is now dead. These people are now subject to recall from Parliament by Zapu.”
Are these guys trying to cause Speaker Jacob Mudenda to fall off that ridiculous chair of his with laughter? Is this some plot to get him injured? The country may have a widespread shortage of common sense, but clearly we have never had a shortage of chancers.