IN the United States of America, there have been riots over the murder of George Floyd, at the hands of a policeman. In response, Donald Trump has sent in the National Guard and threatened to unleash the army, calling the protesters “thugs”.All these events have outraged the entire civilised world. However, these events have actually made Zanu PF jealous and envious.
First, the cop who killed Floyd exhibited all the characteristics of a fresh graduate from the Zimbabwe Republic Police’s Morris Depot. Second, Trump’s response was everything an African dictator would envy.
Out came Zanu PF’s chief lout Victor Matemadanda this week, saying the party wanted to picket the US embassy to protest the killing of a black man.
Said Matemadanda: “Can America give us one example of a person who was man-slaughtered by a uniformed police officer (in Zimbabwe) in daylight when other people are passing-by like he is killing a snake?”
Restricting ourselves to one example would be a tough assignment, only because there are far too many such incidents to count. We would not want to bore Matemadanda with facts, such as the fact that six people were murdered as the army shot at them in full glare of television cameras not too long ago. Neither will we mention the recent police killing of Paul Munakopa in Bulawayo, or the fact that three women can be taken from a police station and tortured.
Clearly, all this does not make Matemadanda angry. What angers him is the fact that America seems to be stealing his party’s tactics. Zanu PF never liked competition.
Matemadanda had more bile to spew, helpfully reminding the nation that Nelson Chamisa had claimed he had a direct line to Trump.
“Some boy (Chamisa) always wants to say ‘Am a phone call away from Trump’. Can he call Trump and tell him to stop killing Africans? Let him do it for us so that we know we have a big brother here who can tell Trump to be morally correct,” said Matemadanda.
We are delighted to know how much Matemadanda cares for black Americans. We support this move. Let Chamisa phone Trump and tell him to stop killing Africans. At the same time, Matemadanda can also call his own leader, and deliver a similar message. Unless, as we suspect, Matemadanda cares less about a black person in Zimbabwe than he does for a black person elsewhere.
You know things are hard when people start consulting the dead.
Last weekend, Thokozani Khupe led a team of loyalists to Buhera. There, someone among them decided that it was a bright idea to have video taken of them talking to the grave of Morgan Tsvangirai.
“We ask your spirit to move with us, that you continue in your spirit to make sure that Zimbabwean people get a better life. That is why we came here today with my peers. I am committing that we remain united and we will take the party forward,” she pleaded with Tsvangirai.
Poor Tsvangirai must have laughed seeing all this nonsense happening above ground. But that was just the beginning. Emboldened by her graveside speech, Khupe soon had a letter written to Chamisa, expelling him as the leader of a party that he never joined.
“I note that following the Supreme Court judgement, in MDC and Others v Elias Mashavira and Others (SC56/2020) of 31 March 2020, which ruled that you were no longer the President of the Movement for Democratic Change which was formerly led by the late Dr Morgan Tsvangirai you have continued to defy the court order,” read the letter written by Douglas Mwonzora.
This is what happens when a politician struggles to find seven supporters among the living. They go looking for support among the dead.
Meanwhile, over in the National Assembly, the people’s representatives were debating the most critical issues on the minds of Zimbabweans right now: their perks and welfare.
Of course, it was Temba Mliswa, as usual, acting as the spokesperson of the “mutually assured eating” House.
“Other Members of Parliament are not here because there is no fuel. That is the truth of the matter. They are standing in the queues. So when will you as leaders take us seriously and take this institution seriously that we have a mandate to deliver? How can we deliver when we have no resources to get here?” Mliswa thundered.
The MPs’ beef was that ministers were living the life, while they wallow in penury.
He carried on: “Fortunately for you, VIPs, and that is why we end up starting to now look at your offices, you are well taken care of. You are living pretty while we suffer. So what kind of a country is this?”
What kind of country is this? Well, to answer you, Temba, it is the kind of country where being an MP is a life-saving job for some. Without it, they suffer. All that other stuff about representing people’s interests is just something they do when they have time to spare from their real job: milking the country for allowances.
Up until last week, we had been told that Thabani Mpofu is a useless lawyer who loses any case he takes up. Nobody takes him seriously, we were told.
Some were close to believing that line, but Zanu PF immediately convinced them otherwise. The advocate was arrested and made to spend nights in a cold cell, even after handing himself over to police.
When the charges came out, the nation laughed; the kind of laugh a parent makes when a five-year-old tells an unfunny joke.
We are told the man was arrested for some clerical issues from over a year ago, and for creating a fictitious litigant, both issues that were investigated by his peers before.
The arrest drew the attention of top lawyers across the region. Dali Mpofu said Mnangagwa “has now lost all his marbles”.
We can assure you, Advocate Dali Mpofu that those marbles were lost many moons ago, and someone at the Prosecutor-General’s office is trying too hard to find them.