The best way to deal with corruption — the Zim way

ZIMBABWE’S coronavirus response, which we have been told has garnered global praise from as far afield as Russia, got the attention of the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc) this week.

After reports that some relatives of senior politicians were skipping mandatory quarantine by simply making phone calls, Zacc announced it was quickly moving in to deal mercilessly with these offenders — by writing letters.

“Politicians and senior government officials bullying health officials to release their friends and relatives held in Covid-19 quarantine will be arrested, Zacc has warned,” The Herald reported.

Justice Loice Matanda-Moyo, the Zacc chair, was quoted as saying: “As Zacc, we will not hesitate to arrest those who commit such a serious offence. That should never be done and we will arrest them without fear or favour.”

News that Zacc is willing to arrest anyone for corruption was met with widespread shock and surprise across the country, seeing as the entire nation is yet to hear of any such arrests. But, of course, Matanda-Moyo laid out a clever strategy on how she hopes to deal with this grave matter.

“Her office wrote at the end of last week to the Ministry of Health and Child Care to get more details on the case,” The Herald informed the nation.Well done to Matanda-Moyo and Zacc. That is the best way to deal with corruption. We all know now that writing letters is the best way to deal with this scourge. Very soon, anti-corruption bodies from all over the world will be flying to Zimbabwe to learn about this genius way of fighting corruption and abuse office.

Our biblical Peter

In news that is totally unrelated to corruption, the nation is overflowing with gratitude to Sakunda Holdings and its owner Kuda Tagwirei. It was reported last week that, having taken over a local hospital, the man and his company imported 30 tonnes of medical equipment.

Some of this equipment will be used at the Arundel Hospital, which is under refurbishment, while other materials will be donated to the people of Zimbabwe, as represented by their able government. The country’s current owner was beside himself with gratitude, likening Tagwirei to Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples.

“I want you all to know, that we accept with similar gratitude whatever you have brought, but of course, even Jesus had 12 disciples, but we all know he had more favour towards Peter,” President Emmerson Mnangagwa said.

Of course, nobody was ever in any doubt that the “Jesus” referred to here has always awarded “Peter” some favours, some of which have left huge holes in the country’s fiscus.

In return, ever generous, “Peter” has ensured that wives in the top echelons are happy, plying them with shiny cars, as the courts recently heard. We cannot have our rulers going home to unhappy wives now, can we?

We also know that the Peter in the Bible was so beholden to Jesus, that he cut off one poor fellow’s ear just to prove his loyalty. No wonder Jesus looked at Peter and promised, “upon this rock I will build my church”.

However, we all know how it ended. When things got hot, Peter denied Jesus before the Zanu PF rooster crowed thrice.

Criminal

Muckraker was amused to read of a story about how some thugs dressed up as cops to steal some money.

“A gang of robbers, fed with information by an inside accomplice, robbed a Harare businessman of US$59 000, by pretending to be police officers enforcing lockdown regulations and then two of them squandered the money on Mercedes-Benz vehicles, leaving the informer out,” it was reported.

It was a totally understandable plan by the robbers. In Zimbabwe, it is often very hard to tell the difference between a common criminal and a man in uniform. Perfect disguise.

Acting CEOs

Meanwhile, over at the country’s favourite broadcaster, which is also the country’s only broadcaster, the ZBC has replaced an acting CEO, with a new acting CEO.

“The board of directors of the Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation have resolved to second non-executive director, Ms Helliate Rushwaya, to the post of acting CEO on a rotational basis till a CEO is appointed in a substantive capacity,” it was announced.

Rushwaya, we are told, “is a qualified broadcast journalist and holds an MSc International Events Management degree with a focus on televising major events”.
Clearly, these qualifications count for little at the Big Bush Transmitter. We are just giving her time to prove her competencies for the job. These are special competencies, such as the ability to lie with a straight face.

Clearly, given that ZBC has been failing to nail down a substantive CEO, all these acting chiefs have not shown enough competence in the area of telling tall tales and disguising them as news. Not everyone possesses such qualifications.

Exile blues

Zimbabweans were all in awe this week at the modern ways in which Senegal has been handling the coronavirus. The mass testing and expanded lab capacity is the stuff all countries should envy, and is well apart from DJ Biscuit’s caravan of comedy in Zimbabwe.

One of the people who were impressed was Jonathan Moyo. He enthusiastically posted: “In Zimbabwe, instead of undertaking such initiatives, under (Higher Education minister Amon) Murwira, universities (especially those that should specialise in science and technology) have been falling on each other to produce sanitisers and toilet paper — which are best produced by SMEs.”

Of course, the nation is pleased to learn that Moyo has used his time in East Africa to reconcile himself with how universities are supposed to work.
The last time he was in charge of higher learning, US$1 billion was being sequestered from the state to build a vanity university in the Mazowe valley, and some people had been given PhDs in three months.

If exile gives the unstable among us time to regain their sanity, who are we to shorten it? Long may it continue.

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