HomeAnalysisElections and Zanu PF ridiculous comedians

Elections and Zanu PF ridiculous comedians

“Even the World Cup must give way to more important news about Zanu PF rallies. Just this week, Muckraker was surprised to see ZBC advertising the screening of a match, while the match was actually in progress. Such buffoonery is to be commended in Zanu PF.”

THE entire nation is in celebration after President Emmerson Mnangagwa bought two pieces of chicken last weekend.

Twitter: @MuckrakerZim

Unruly elements and donor-funded analysts have always told us that Mnangagwa is a bit too aloof and has zero charisma. They must be ashamed now. Just to show how wrong these critics were, the President’s PR team hatched a plan, literally.

We saw the President making an unscheduled stop at a Chicken Inn in Chegutu, where he bought himself two pieces of chicken, some fresh chips and a drink.

“He ordered a two-piecer and a Minute Maid, paid US$3,75 with US$20 and told me to keep the change,” the elated cashier was quoted as saying in The Herald.

Detractors will be quick to mention that, just days earlier, Mnangagwa had told a rally in Masvingo that we should all stop whining about cash shortages (the President is, of course, swimming in a sea of liquidity) and switch to electronic money. These enemies of the state will also say his deputy, Constantino Chiwenga (who also doesn’t know what cash shortages mean), had also said the same thing at a rally in Harare.

But we must all remember; we are only required to do as our leaders say, not as they do. This is why we must not mention that our Vice-President was seen counting a wad of United States dollars at a rally in Mutare, or that the President paid for his chicken with a nice US$20 note in Chegutu.

Some PR experts will try to tell us that the better plan would have been for Mnangagwa to use mobile money or his bank card. That way, he would be seen to be taking the lead on the e-payments that the government tells us is a good thing. But this is the same old Zanu PF and it makes its own rules.

And please do not remind us that, not too long ago, we were told that the President had rejected payment of his salary in cash, opting instead, to have it deposited in his bank account, like the rest of us. He even offered to queue with the masses; which is ridiculous. Who are we to even ask where then he got this US dollar note?
Let us just marvel at our President’s comic gesture to be like us. We must not ruffle any feathers here.

Garbage politics
While massive celebrations were seen in Chegutu over the buying of two pieces of chicken, there were even wilder festivities in Rusape as the minister in charge of the nation’s finances officially opened a rubbish bin; behaving like cartoon character Mr Bean (no pun intended) and his loyal sidekick Teddy. We all saw Finance minister Patrick Chinamasa, grinning ear to ear, scissors in hand, cutting a ribbon on a refuse skip at a bus station in Vhengere suburb.

Clearly the people of Makoni Central, where Chinamasa is running for MP, have no other option but to vote for the man on July 30. What could his rivals possibly come up with that would match the bin antic?

Chinamasa’s constituents often complain that he is rarely spotted in Makoni Central. But they should understand that he is a busy man. The job of spending people’s taxes on chiefs’ cars, widening the budget deficit with needless spending, issuing out Treasury Bills and other such duties leave one with little time to attend to less important priorities like voters.

This is why Muckraker is shocked at all the internet memes and mockery that Chinamasa has received. Even Zanu PF supporters were joining in the fun, mocking him. Instead of all this mockery, people should at least be showing gratitude to Chinamasa for finally showing up in his constituency, scissors in hand.
His next appearance may be in another five years officially opening a toilet.

Reform pipedream

Another thing Zimbabweans are not grateful enough for is our state media.

ZBC still dedicates hours of daytime TV to reruns of Mnangagwa and Zanu PF programming, while not providing similar coverage to other parties. Yes, we should only hear from Zanu PF, lest our weak minds be polluted by the words of the likes of MDC Alliance leader Nelson Chamisa, who are preaching foreign things like spaghetti roads and trains.
We must only listen to the likes of Vice-President Kembo Mohadi preaching about the liberation struggle to hungry Chiredzi youths. Who wants to hear about job creation, economic recovery plans and other such boring stuff? People eat history and Zanu PF heroics!

Even the World Cup must give way to more important news about Zanu PF rallies. Just this week, Muckraker was surprised to see ZBC advertising the screening of a match, while the match was actually in progress. Such buffoonery is to be commended in Zanu PF.


Over at The Herald, the people’s voice, reported this week: “The Herald is fully aware of its constitutional obligations and will continue to give all political parties equal coverage during and after the July 30 harmonised elections, Editor-in-Chief Caesar Zvayi has said.”

This was what Zvayi was telling the European Union Election Observer Mission media analyst, Javier Gutierrez. The EU man was at Zimpapers to find out how they cover elections, in line with the Electoral Act, which demands that media give fair and equal coverage to all parties.

There was also this gem in the article: “Zvayi dismissed the assertion that The Herald is being controlled by government.”

This must have come as some comic relief to Gutierrez and to The Herald readers at large. But even more surprised to hear this must have been The Herald reporters themselves.

They must be still in shock to learn that, all along, they were allowed to report freely on Zanu PF and the government, but somehow it wasn’t happening.
This is great news. Let us see The Herald reporters exercise their freedom, after this Mukadota-style revelation by Zvayi.

We wait to see them covering Chamisa neutrally, on the front page, and reminding their readers Mnangagwa was part and parcel of the Zanu PF regime that ruined the economy, destroyed the nation and impoverished Zimbabweans (these are facts), without a call from Munhumutapa Building asking them to clear out their desks and go home.

Can someone please save Zimbabwe’s tourism from Zimbabwe Tourism Authority chief executive officer Karikoga Kaseke!

Only Kaseke could imagine that he can attract tourism to Zimbabwe by paying old, overweight footballers that nobody remembers to come and play football in the middle of the week. If he is not spending millions of taxpayers’ dollars to pay retired footballers, after outlandishly describing them as “legends”, he is paying second-rate Brazilian samba queens to come and dance on Harare’s streets, just days before the election.

The man is trying far too hard. Remember, he once told Mnangagwa that Zimbabwe was getting a US$7 billion “tourism city” and that 17 Chinese billionaires were heading to Zimbabwe. This turned out to be a blatant lie.

What new stunt will he pull in the name of tourism?

Kaseke ran out of ideas ages ago. Why Mnangagwa thinks he can convince anyone that he is leading a “New Dispensation”, while clinging to the likes of Kaseke and other old dogs who can’t learn new tricks is a mystery.

If it is not retired footballers or samba queens, it is some obscure beauty pageant or another; “Miss Rural Legs Tourism”, “Miss Obesity”, or “Miss Shebeen Tourism Queen” or some such preposterous stuff. These people are a joke.

MDC Alliance must be wary of clowns

Talking of jokers, can the MDC Alliance put Chalton Hwende on a tight leash? One moment, he is threatening to send thugs to the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec), and the next he is campaigning to be given pictures of voters.

What does he want to do with them? Go door to door, looking at people’s faces?

Perhaps this is what Zec and its chairperson Priscilla Chigumba (who is now increasingly sounding Zanu PF with each passing day) get for their obfuscation and arrogance in recent weeks. After needlessly delaying the release of the voters’ roll, Zec has become a magnet for all sorts of ruffians, some of them cloaked in the robes of analysts and politicians.

Can this election come and go already! As if having to listen to the noise of people shouting into echo chambers is not unnerving enough, we are about to have all sorts of weirdos knocking at our gates in the name of mobilisation and verification.

In the meantime, and in totally unrelated news, Muckraker is looking to buy a few dogs, particularly those of the least friendly breed.

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