By Rejoice Ngwenya
WE began the treacherous journey into 2005 having received reports that the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) has agreed to partake of the biggest political box off
ice tragic comedy called I, the Elected -— now showing at a theatre near you.
This satirical offer is also credited with the unusual feature of being premiered towards the end of its life cycle, sometime in March this year.
Here, the villain, the Elected, actually appears in person to 11-plus million audience and announces his ascendancy to a throne with a foot stool made of polished human skulls and armrests of human thigh and shoulder bones.
The spirits, the souls and the ghosts of those worthy innocent citizens who lost their lives in defence of real democracy wail in a chilling soundtrack background, while the converts of the Elected, some looking frail and emaciated from weeks of starvation, ululate and dance around the throne in frenzied motion likened to the possessed. After an almost eternal lapse of time, the Elected, balancing himself casually against the human scaffolds on either side, wriggles from his throne and waves his ancient hand to silence the possessed supporters.
“Men, my women and your children, give me your ears for I deserve it. Down with spies, even those who benefited and enriched themselves directly from years of my patronage. The pea-brained, good-for-nothing capitalist nincompoop political upstarts who suck the blood of the hand that nourished their bellies. May their souls roast in the eternal fire of my anger, for nothing but vengeance can dowse the flame of my wrath — for I was, I am and will forever be the Elected.
“I don’t spare anything to get to the throne, even the cheap, disposable, dispensable and perishable lives of my competitors, economic saboteurs and spies. I am not a god that I should forgive. Forgiveness is for the creator, reconstruction is for the rational. I, the Elected, have only one mandate — to destroy. When I destroy, there must not be any possibility for re-incarnation, or any traces that even resemble genetic similarity to the living. I will have failed you the committed patriots who detest and resent anything British but the pound.
“I stand before you celebrating the victory over imperialism, colonialism, capitalism, corruption and political immaturity epitomised by pretenders called MDC who cannot tell an empty, transparent ballot box even it was thrust under their noses. The victory is ever made sweeter because only a handful of this miserly, despicable, obnoxious political animal will have the undeserved honour of representation in our august house.
“I will make their tenure miserable, uncomfortable and painful. It is not I, the Elected, who rejected them, but you. You refused to accept them because their sins are too numerous to mention within the short two hours that you have requested me to enlighten you about my victory. If you were literate and cared enough to read, the rest of their despicable deeds are recorded in my manifesto on sale only in Malaysia and Namibia.
“My umpteenth ascendance to the crown comes in the wake of a difficult past year. Difficult not in the sense that I failed — no, I do not err — but our political detractors, enemies of the revolution, pretenders to the throne called MDC connived with principalities and forces of evil to destabilise everything along our path to recovery.
“What we expected of a bumper harvest never became, because these mischievous political scoundrels poisoned the spirits of our forefathers at Matojeni with all sorts of lies and the rains refused to fall. To rub salt into the wound, they connived with their white masters who, instead of delivering fertilisers and diesel to the legion of patriotic resettled farmers, they diverted inputs to Zambia, Mozambique and Nigeria right under the noses of corrupt customs officials.
“As I speak, there are reports that only a handful of our Chinese friends visited the Nehanda Falls, Masvingo eDzimbabwe and Hwange game reserve. Our hotels and lodges throughout the country were virtually empty during the past festive season, thus depriving my ministers of deserved bonuses. How could they be full when the misguided emissaries of the MDC in Brussels and Johannesburg connived with Google, Zvakwana and Yahoo! to peddle lies on the Internet that my kingdom has no rule of law? I refused their people permission to speak on television and banned certain newspapers.
“Of course, why should I allow them to lie about us? Don’t I own everything? What law is above I, the Elected? No family can survive when children are left willy-nilly to do and say as they please. What kind of a kingdom would that be? Munopenga here? (Are you insane?)
“Right now, our budget deficit and inflation have been drastically reduced because all executives that were bankrolling the MDC voluntarily went out of business.
“Expect more food and fuel shortages. Why? Our efforts to persuade the diaspora to send us money through Homelink have been hampered by MDC propaganda that we offer sick rates. This has caused the black market to spiral out of control — hence you see Beitbridge border post crowding with smugglers who benefit from economic saboteurs.
“My friends, thank you for your worthless support. I could still have ascended the throne even without your aid. If the defence forces, the police, the civil service and the youth brigade are on my side, who can be against me and live to see Sisonke the following day? Try me and your curiosity will be generously rewarded.
“If I could, I would extend my generosity to pay school fees for the thousands of your children who need quality education in private schools whose boards are now dominated by industrialists, businessmen and traders who sympathise with the white-controlled, British-sponsored MDC. How on earth can someone, whose hard-earned money comes from the farm, afford to pay $20 million in fees per term. Is this not a way of keeping our patriotic but disadvantaged children from these schools?
“Some of these so-called centres of academic excellence are simply sport academies that operate more playgrounds and buses than the Athens Olympic Village. Mari yese iyi, vanoyidii? This is just to fuel rumours that my government and council schools have bad standards. Of course if you pay a teacher like an astronaut, they will exceed themselves. We do not have that kind of money — how would we afford to send the children of my entire cabinet to colleges in Australia, America and Canada if we increased salaries for teachers in government schools? Kana nemiwo!
“In conclusion, I would like to wish you a prosperous year ahead. I, the Elected, know that the MDC will keep talking about human rights, freedom of speech, good governance etc until the donkey grows horns. Who cares?
*Rejoice Ngwenya is a Harare-based marketing executive.