By Rejoice Ngwenya
FROM the time that I join a petrol queue at 4:30am to the stage when I eventually get served at 2:00pm, or even when standing patiently but in a perpetual state of anxiety waiting for suga
r, I could easily transform my country from being a bankrupt, third world totalitarian state to a jovial, world class US$10 000 per capita income all within a couple of hours!
This miraculous transformation is made possible by the invaluable encounter with the new subjects of quenomics, quelosophy, queligion, quelitics and quemigration. I am truly blessed to be part of the pioneers of this queuevolution. May my name be emblazoned in neon lights for my contribution to the liberation of Quembabwe. Take me to my own Heroes Hectare!
Quenomics is a set of perceptions and predispositions developed at petrol queues, specifically relating to hallucinations by our government of an imaginary economic turnaround. So far, I possess a world-renowned toolkit of how to treble the foreign reserves of Quembabwe by doubling the export price of the world’s poorest tobacco crop to China, a crop developed by a drip irrigation system on barren A2 farms!
The toolkit is sold at all dry service stations in Quembabwe, but only to quenomics licensees who must first prove that they have spent not less than three weeks running on empty tanks to and from their workplaces.
Quenomics was first tested at a perennially empty service station in Ruwa, popular for dispensing petrol from empty pumps at a world competitive price of $3 450 per litre.
Of late, the shelf-price of quenomics licences has trebled, having responded positively to the post-election monetary policy sermon on Mt Reserve Bank. Cardinal Gono added another rare inflation control formula to the study — Quembabweans can reduce inflation from 200% to 50% year-on-year by doubling the size of the cabinet. A world first!
There is also a high possibility that the price of quenomics licences may reach an all-time high if proved beyond reasonable doubt that “Operation Murambatsvina” will increase Quembabwe’s foreign currency inflows by 1 000%. What a true queuevolution!
Quelitics is the study of how governments with zero-tolerance to political competition can practise free and fair elections to create conditions ideal for turning entire countries like Quembabwe virtually into export processing and tourist paradise zones.
The toolkit was extremely difficult to come by, but eventually found hidden in stacks of sugar at a house in Mbare. My only disappointment was that it had already been licensed to a consultant in Mauritius who insists that I have to first prove my government’s total compliance with Sadc PF electoral norms.
Now this is ridiculous!
How else could the ANC have passed our elections free and fair on March 28 2005 if Quembabwe had not fully complied with Sadc PF norms? This is sabotage; he must be an agent of the FBI! Ah, perhaps with a bit of quelosophy, I might just persuade him to part with the licence.
Quelosophy is the study of how queues positively and negatively impact on the mental, social and cognitive behaviour of citizens. It has revealed that Quembabweans simply love queuing because they have nothing else better to do.
During elections, they use their idle time at queues to debate important political options — like why big toes are not used for dipping into red ink as proof of bussing voters! At bus termini, quelosophy proves Quembabweans share solutions to their problems better when they spend more time together. This also instils a higher degree of patriotism and appreciation of political independence!
How then do Quembabweans manage to keep their tempers manageable under such trying conditions? Queligion is the answer, a set of beliefs founded and based on spiritual interaction between members of the same queue.
I managed to trace the toolkit to a dustbin at a service station on Fourth Street. The licence agreement states that for one to qualify as a user, you have to prove a state of advanced civic and political docility, having long-suffered for 25 years, possession of a valid Dead BC licence and accept that you are not grateful for being emancipated from the bondage of Rhodesia.
One of queligion key values is a marvel — if a Border Gezi recruit slaps you on one cheek, give him not only your other cheek, but also your next of kin’s, and forgive him 70 times!
Quemigration is a beauty — the science of hopping from one queue to another in search of scarce commodities. I was lucky that an informer in the Registrar-General’s office slipped the licence agreement to me hidden in an expired Canadian passport engraved with a current minister’s name.
Quemigration was first tested at a service station kwaBhora, when a resident of Old Windsor Park was coming from a funeral and drove straight into a petrol queue. Two cars away from the pump, he overheard that there was sugar at a nearby supermarket. He left his car promptly and stood patiently in the sugar queue.
On seeing shoppers passing by with bread, he marked his position with a shopping basket and walked over to the bakery section.
Meanwhile his car alarm went off while someone tried to push it off the queue, prompting him to dash out. He not only found a dry petrol pump, but also by the time he returned to the supermarket, there was no sugar or bread. How romantic!
Talking about romance, I bumped into a toolkit called quemance — the science of relationships between people of the opposite sex developed on and around queues. Some quemance results in lasting marital bonds; at times it is a known cause of divorce. Whatever way, join Quembabwe’s queuevolution at a queue near you!
*Rejoice Ngwenya is a freelance writer based in Harare.