ZIMBABWEANS woke up to massive news this week, as the government released new statistics that will be sure to leave the West and its local lapdogs in shame.
“At least 1 194 primary and secondary schools were built countrywide in the last four years in line with the government’s quest to reduce the distance learners walk to and from school, and ensure the delivery of quality education to all citizens,” the Herald of absolute truth reported to the world.
Patriots across the country immediately brought out their calculators and deduced that this means that our government has built at least one school per day.
This was a surprise to many, as we are all aware that no building gets completed without scarves being worn, ribbons being cut, and beer being brewed for our ancestors.
That only a few people have actually seen these schools is a testament to our scientific advancement as a country; not even the most advanced countries can build invisible schools.
Reminder to the bishops
There was more evidence this week that the country’s detractors are not sleeping, plotting new ways of denigrating the country. This time, it is the Catholic bishops who joined the fray.
In a letter that was longer than a Catholic mass, the bishops dared to tell us that the country’s economic policies are not working.
“If, as Catholic social teaching says, the value of policies is assessed by how they impact the poor, then one can safely say that our political and economic policies have failed,” the bishops wrote.
They think a solution to this is what they call “genuine” dialogue, as if they do not know that Zanu PF already has the people’s mandate to lead the country.
Must we remind these bishops of the time in 2007, when they wrote a similar letter. Our then owner, Robert Mugabe, told them to “go to hell”.
Who listens to a bored, modern-day Prophet Amos, prophesying the destruction of Israel, when our time is better spent among more relevant churches that have proven voters.
The real job is Job
Abton Mashayanyika, the man who issued a death threat against opposition leader Nelson Chamisa in front of cameras, is still walking free, to nobody’s surprise.
A journalist asked the Midlands provincial police spokesperson, Emmanuel Mahoko, to explain why there has been no action taken. He replied: “We haven’t seen the video, but we are waiting for feedback from the ground.”
The same question was also put to the national police spokesperson Assistant Commissioner Paul Nyathi, who said he would only issue a statement after receiving a report from the Midlands police.
In other words, the two senior cops must have been left in shock at such a silly question. Are they supposed to arrest someone just for being filmed making threats?
Can people please acquaint themselves with the law? People cannot be arrested on flimsy evidence like videos that circulate on social media. That is, of course, unless they are a senior member of the opposition like Job Sikhala.
New powerful outfit
According to reports, a powerful outfit called Zanu PF Original has emerged, and it wants the country’s current owner, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, to give up power to the deputy owner, as soon as possible.
“We know that when the coup happened, the agreement was that he (Mnangagwa) would rule for one term and hand over power to (Vice-President) Chiwenga. But he wants to run for another term,” one Godfrey Tsenengamu said.
If the widespread press coverage is anything to go by, these two are the most powerful power brokers in the land. Just two weeks ago, Tsenengamu left Zimplats quaking in its boots when he said he would take over the company and run it himself. As for Kunaka, he is experienced in running thriving institutions, such as Chipangano.
Muckraker commiserates with journalists who have to cover difficult stories every single day in this country. Having to leave one’s house to go to listen to Kunaka and Tsenengamu, all in the name of news, must be difficult. But, just like a plumber from the City of Harare, someone has to do the dirty job of handling stagnant sewage all day.
Saboteurs in our midst
The long list of saboteurs who are undermining our economy keeps getting longer. After praising local contractors for doing some patriotic “vene vayo” business, building roads and all sorts of world-class infrastructure, the government now says they too may be saboteurs.
“The government has noted with great concern that some suppliers who supply goods and services to government institutions are channelling the funds they receive to the illegal foreign exchange market, thereby contributing to exchange rate and price instability,” according to a statement from Mthuli Ncube, whose presence at a cricket match in Bulawayo this week, incidentally, inspired many creatively derogatory songs.
First, it was just Western governments, using their sanctions and local surrogates. Then it was Old Mutual, then the Zimbabwe Stock Exchange, then EcoCash, then InnBucks, then the supermarkets, and then the banks. We will add more names to this blacklist of people who are damaging the economy, until we are just the only ones left.
Ready to rule
While visiting Harare recently, alleged scholar Stephen Chan criticised the opposition CCC, saying it was not showing us that it is ready to rule the country. The party had no clear leadership structures, he claimed. No sooner had he posted this than it was reported that the CCC had appointed a shadow cabinet.
This was, of course, manna from heaven for Zanu PF propagandists, who are short of wins. In no time, the CCC denied that it had appointed a shadow cabinet, least of all on Chan’s instruction. This denial was despite the existence of a letter to parliament from CCC specifically using the words “shadow cabinet”, and despite some of the “appointees” celebrating publicly.
By denying everything, telling lies, and refusing to take responsibility, the CCC showed everyone that they are, in fact, ready to rule.