One way of gauging the mood at State House is by watching how frantic the foot soldiers of the country’s owner are in an extra-frenzied orgy of defending one shenanigan or the other.
This time, they have all put down whatever pointless jobs they were doing to completely focus on defending the Pomona deal. You can be sure Dr Amai Version 2.0, who may or may not be the deal’s biggest cheerleader, is in a rage. She must be telling hubby to get his minions shouting louder how pickpocketing the nation is good for the country.
We have ministers and MPs dirtying their Ferragamo shoes daily at the dumpsite for state media photo opportunities. One must loudly support the rubbish deal, lest they be replaced at the feeding trough.
“If this little lawyer whom you call the Mayor of Harare (Jacob Mafume) insists on opposing the cabinet decision, he must know for sure that we will end up locking him (up) in prison. He will be a suitable candidate for Chikurubi,” George Charamba fumed.
Of course, he was only reminding all patriots that in the New Dispensation, you are not jailed for corruption. You are jailed for opposing corruption.
Frothing Nick While the President’s spokesman was frothing at the mouth at people who dare to prevent our owners from eating the fruits of Independence freely, Nick Mangwana, Africa’s most trustworthy government spokesman, was also doing his part.
He wondered out aloud why councillors would be so opposed to a deal that would benefit the country’s owners. Who are these elected officials, he wondered, who dare listen to the electorate?
“Ministry endorsed, cabinet endorsed, council endorsed, parliament endorsed,” Mangwana said. That parliament and council did not, in fact, endorse that deal is neither here nor there. State House wants to see us angry and lying on its behalf, and we will do just that.
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Besides, what are facts when you are a spokesman of a whole government? Is the ability to lie with a straight face not one of the key qualifications for such an important job?
Kindless Kindness Just when some people were trying to convince themselves that land tenure and property rights are safe in the country, in came Kindness Paradza with a timely reminder to stop such foolish thinking.
Farmers, who clearly have more useful things to do with their time than to attend endless Zanu PF meetings, did not attend some meetings in Mashonaland West last weekend. Angry, Paradza, the local MP and general local rabblerouser, used his long-forgotten writing skills to author a diatribe to farmers to remind them that they risk losing their farms.
“This time the party will be ruthless to those land beneficiaries who wine and dine with the opposition,” Parardza said.
Yes, our farmers need to be frequently reminded of this fact; it is more productive to spend your day at Zanu PF meetings chanting slogans, than to spend your day growing crops on your farm.
Selective amnesia All patriots around the country were in celebration this week after a survey revealed that most people in the country still have faith in the country’s current owner.
According to Afrobarometer, 51% of Zimbabweans still trust President Emmerson Mnangagwa to lead the country. This is good news for the country.
As news reached Shake Shake Building, it was agreed that there will be galas and celebrations all around the nation for the rest of the month.
On ZBC, Africa’s most objective television station, there will be a queue of analysts waiting to be interviewed to support this finding.
Of course, the part of the survey that says most people think the economy is heading in the right direction, or that most people say they have gone without water, will not be allowed on air. We will especially not allow anyone to mention that the survey says 94% of people in Harare and 82% in Bulawayo, Matabeleland North and South think government is doing “fairly bad” or “very bad” on the economy.
Those parts were only added to the survey by foreign-funded activists who are jealous of the leader’s massive popularity.
Cowardly Mzembi It was reported in the Zimbabwe Independent last week that Walter Mzembi is calling Nelson Chamisa a coward.
According to Mzembi, Chamisa and his party “probably lack the courage of (Morgan) Tsvangirai”. Of course, he did not mention that he legged it to a foreign country at the sound of a firecracker.
Mzembi preached peace, saying: “No Zimbabwean should be characterised as an enemy by another Zimbabwean.”
Unless, of course, that Zimbabwean is called Helen Mitchell and owns a well-run poultry farm. One supposes she was not Zimbabwean enough when Mzembi tried to grab her farm.
And it was not because he didn’t have his own farm. He had already run down his own and left workers idle. One report back then quoted one of his workers saying: “We spend much of the time drinking beer and playing draught.”
He likes to cast himself as a major success. Yet, his only measurable act in government was to bar a raunchy South African dancer from venturing into the country without her panties on.
The cardinal offence This week, a journalist, Mduduzi Mathuthu, found himself summoned to the police station.
It was reported that the police called him in over a tweet in which he suggested that the President may have been having a weekend drink, or two, before he was called in to make that speech in which he tried to arrest the Zimbabwean dollar for being mischievous. For that, Mathuthu is being charged for undermining the authority of the President.
Muckraker was reminded of an old article that once appeared in one part of the world: “A man has been sentenced to 20 years in jail for calling the President an idiot; 15 years for the insult, and five years for revealing a state secret.”
