AFTER spending a week in the Swiss Alps and hobnobbing with some of the world’s richest investors, the country’s current owner returned home to speedily implement what he had learned from spending a week in a developed economy. He opened boreholes in his capital city.
According to the Herald, which we all know to report the truth, the whole truth, most of the time, President Emmerson Mnangagwa is finally delivering where the opposition has failed.
“Under successive MDC/CCC councils, most residents in the capital and its satellite towns did not have running water, however, access to potable water is crystallising into reality as President Mnangagwa keeps his promises,” the Herald said.
The paper’s screaming headline read: President turns urban dreams into reality.
Who knew that when some of us left the rural hinterlands of Gumbonzvanda, heading to town, our dreams were to draw water from wells, defecate in the bush and cook by firewood? It will not be long before donkey-drawn transport is introduced under Zupco. This is the sort of progress we all dreamed of.
Bootlicking while some of us were busy celebrating the arrival of rural civilisation to our capital, one family in Glen View had what amounts to a visit from the Lord and Saviour himself.
According to the Herald, which we all know reports impartially and fairly, the family of one Takondwa Gideon was blessed by the unexpected visit from Mnangagwa, when the alleged President took a break from the tiring job of opening a borehole in the neighbourhood.
“This is a Heaven-sent gesture by President Mnangagwa that is slowly taking us out of Egypt,” the paper quoted the family. “We cannot even express the happiness we have because it was something that took us by surprise. We thank the Lord that we had a close-up with him.”
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We imagine this is how Bible-era reporters like Matthew, Mark, Luke and John reported the Messiah’s divine visit to Zacchaeus’ home. But we suspect even they would find this depth of bootlicking a bit embarrassing.
Dr Amai the cook Speaking of messiahs, we have no shortage of those. While the husband was miraculously turning dust into water in Glen View, the wife was once again teaching people how to cook. Cooking is, apparently, a skill that she alone possesses in all of Zimbabwe and beyond.
In her latest act of sharing this rare skill, the new Dr Amai set about teaching men how to cook.
“Through this, the First Lady is aiming to build a complete home where men, women and children understand and play their roles effectively. The First Lady, who was all smiles, preached the gospel of peace, love and unity to the community,” it was reported. We can only hope that, after she was done teaching random men about how to play their role, she had energy left to teach her hubby about how to play his role as a national leader. He somehow seems very unaware of that role.
Hwende’s TV Last week, the secretary-general of the opposition CCC, Chalton Hwende, had a brainwave moment. He proposed that his party should form its own television station.
“Let’s do it Zimbabwe — we are left with only 12 months before the election, and so we need US$96 000 and we free the airwaves,” he said.
In other words, to counter Zanu PF propaganda, the country also needs opposition propaganda, because quite clearly, the country does not already have enough propaganda. Besides, MultiChoice will laugh at any party that comes with such a proposal out of their offices. Good luck to those who will again fork out money for this latest new bright idea from politicians.
Even more laughable than Hwende’s idea was the response by Nick Mangwana, the world’s busiest government spokesperson.
Mangwana reminded us that the law does not allow political parties to control broadcasting stations. Clearly, the party that Nick so dutifully grovels for has never heard of that law, seeing as ZBC news bulletins read like a rundown of notice boards at remote Zanu PF district offices.
If Mangwana and the mafia he works for allowed diverse voices on public media, as Section 61 of the constitution requires, then he would not have to embarrass himself in public.
Betting fans Just when some betting heads were wondering who to put their money on in the 2023 election, one so-called opposition figure, Parere Kunyenzura of the Zimbabwe Transformative Party (ZTP), has claimed neither Nelson Chamisa nor the current supposed leader will win next year.
“We have a message to President Emmerson Mnangagwa. God has given the kingdom of Zimbabwe to your neighbour, a David,” Kunyenzura told obviously idle reporters. But just as Chamisa supporters were about to celebrate, the man came in with a wet towel.
He said: “To avoid ambiguity, this David is not coming from the MDC group, with their various mutations that encompass the CCC brand, just in case some fanatics in this division may start to prematurely celebrate.”
He must be one of those heavily inebriated soccer betting fans who watch a Champions League final and bet on both finalists losing.
Money charlatans Muckraker was amused to read an article about a chap who gave his money to a Zambian charlatan who claimed he could change thousands of dollars into millions.
In news that surprised nobody with half a brain, it was a scam.
It was reported: “During the prayer session, one of the accused persons changed the bags and gave Mutero one full of newspapers. The matter came to light when Mutero opened the bag upon arrival at his house when he discovered that it had newspapers.”
Only one man has tried to change worthless pieces of paper into real dollars and got away with it. He is still the governor of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe.
