The entire nation of Switzerland came to a standstill this week as the world’s finest leader, Emmerson Mnangagwa, left rising inflation at home and jetted into Davos on an expensive jet to preach to global leaders about how to run an economy.
“President lifts Zimbabwe flag high,” the Herald of unquestionable truth declared to Zimbabweans, who are obviously proud of their alleged leader’s record of economic management.
It was a delight listening to the country’s alleged leader giving the world a lecture on how to run digital economies and e-commerce.
“The future of business, of development, of wealth creation, now depends on the digital economy,” Mnangagwa said.
One way of doing this, obviously, is to occasionally shut down the internet when people are talking too much, or waking up in the middle of the night to shut down e-commerce platforms just because the paranoid intelligence agencies are not so intelligent.
Still in Davos, it was a delight to see Mnangagwa having breakfast with the who’s who of world power.
Among the dignitaries falling over each other to meet our great leader was Gianni Infantino, the president of Fifa. Remember, this is the same Fifa that, clearly under the influence of Western powers, decided, for no good reason, to ban our glorious football stadiums from hosting matches.
As if this unwarranted attack was not enough, they went on to ban us from football altogether, just because we are a nation that plays by its own rules.
No doubt our leader, in-between the fresh croissants and Swiss bagels and Frankfurter sausages, told the Fifa boss in no uncertain terms to stop these silly moves.
Besides, does he not know we have since added four new bucket seats at the National Sports Stadium and given one of our ministers a contract to install turnstiles? What more progress does this Fifa want?
Before departing for the Swiss alps to deliver a much-awaited lesson on financial prudence, Mthuli Ncube made sure his audience will have a great example of what he will be talking about.
In a notice on Saturday, the government announced that it will be doling out more cash to war veterans, mujibhas and anyone else who was quick enough to pay their way onto a compensation list. In total, the Ministry of Defence has vetted 165 130 out of 207 103 people who submitted applications for compensation.
No wonder Mthuli and Mnangagwa’s economics sessions were packed. Which other geniuses can fight inflation by repeating some of the things that caused it in the first place? Where else do you beg for debt cancellation while doling out free cash and flying on pricey jets? We all need that lesson.
Zimbabwe, of course, holds a unique world record: it is the only place on earth where the number of people who fought in past wars increases over time, and where war veterans get younger each year.
Karoro arrest shock
News that a senior government official had been arrested for corruption has shocked many across the country.
According to reports, Deputy Agriculture minister Douglas Karoro was arrested last week, accused of stealing and selling 700 bags of fertiliser, maize seed worth US$18 000 and 5 000 vegetable seed kits. The man decided that he had better use for this stuff than other poor farmers, and so allegedly connived with some friends to liberate the inputs from the Grain Marketing Board (GMB).
As news of this arrest filtered through at Jongwe Building, the national headquarters of theft and scandal, there was much shock and surprise.
Many were shocked that Karoro had been arrested over such a patriotic act. Surely, the man had just taken these inputs for safekeeping. Besides, since when is stealing agricultural inputs a crime in this country? Is looting not the whole reason why these programmes are there in the first place?
That stinking deal
Speaking of looters, there has been much noise over a literally dirty contract awarded by the government to some European company, Geogenix, to build a power plant using Harare’s surplus of rubbish.
Months before the deal was signed, the Zimbabwe Independent reported that the same company had been in hot soup in Albania for a similar contract, awarded “although the company had no experience in waste management” and “without following tender procedures”.
Some lazy people with no connections of their own are going after Delish Nguwaya, the man behind the deal. They say he should not have been awarded the contract.
However, they forget one important qualification for government contracts: it is a requirement that they go to shady companies with no traceable record, firms with a capacity to win tenders without due process, and people with a proven track record of bending the rules.
So why the fake shock and surprise that Nguwaya got this deal? Did he not already prove himself capable in the Drax scandal?
Scarf Kodak moments
Many people have been complaining about the photographs that are being churned out of State House these days.
They are complaining not only about the number of people taking photos with the President, but also the types of people turning up there — usually in scarfs — to have photos taken with the man occupying the supposedly highest office in the land. People should stop being jealous. Even common criminals, gold smugglers and slay queens deserve to be seen with their presidents.
Muckraker would like to remind the nation of an old Turkish proverb: “When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.”