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MUCKRAKER: When you see shadows at every corner — learn to make bombs!

THE week got off to a successful start as millions of Zimbabwean workers did the revolutionary thing and ignored calls to stay at home and starve.

There was much instigation by obviously Western-sponsored people with too much internet and embassy money on their hands, trying to fan protests against useless things like transport and inflation. The plot failed.

The Herald, a paper known for publishing only the truth and nothing else, revealed that the whole campaign had been driven by whites “seeking to turn Zimbabweans against their Zimbabwean brothers, the hopeless dream being to install a puppet regime in the country again”.

That is right. We cannot have these dirty white Westerners coming here to tell us what to do with our country and to try and control our leaders. We leave that to the People’s Republic of China.

Seeing shadows
According to the Herald, there is much crying and moaning in some Western embassies, some of them located in Westgate, after the failure of the stayaway this week.

“There are so many shadowy organisations, so many non-governmental organisations and indeed so many individuals who have their hands in Uncle Sam cookie jar, licking their hands weekly to Western embassies and feeding fat on lies to their masters that one day, they will achieve the impossible, that of unconstitutionally removing a constitutionally elected government,” the paper said.

You have to celebrate when the country’s biggest newspaper publishes such diatribes.

It is good to see that student teachers are either being given space to practice big English in the paper’s pages, or certain idle officers in the Office of the President are doubling up as reporters by day.

Just when economic saboteurs were getting comfortable, having started to believe claims that the country was now committed to policy consistency, they were running scared this week after the country’s owner once again showed strong leadership.

After printing money with reckless abandon, the government decided that it was time to come up with a solution to the crisis it created: blame it on someone else.

Flanked by his two economic geniuses, Mthuli Ncube and John Mangudya, our alleged leader, who looked like he had been dragged unwillingly from some time alone in bed with a glass of whiskey, announced that banks will no longer be allowed to give people money. They should stop being banks and find something else.

“That’s what central banks do,” Mangudya said on ZBC a few days later.

This will surprise many central bankers around the world. Clearly, they have been doing their jobs the wrong way all along. They should have been stopping banks from lending money to people. They should learn from Africa’s worst central bank governor.

All hail the experts
Naturally, after measures were announced purportedly to stabilise the currency, our state media were in full patriotic mode.

There was a “hailing” here and a “hailing” there. Economists of rather dodgy credibility were put into a long queue outside Pockets Hill, being called in to take turns to “hail” this latest show of economic genius.

Of course, in matters economic, who better to call on for expert opinion than Chris Mutsvangwa, who is known to be the country’s leading authority on the financial markets.

According to Mutsvangwa, the measures “will reward those who work hard instead of speculators”. That’s quite a surprise. Who knew that hard work is rewarded in this country? Since when?

Every forex dealer on Harare’s streets would be wondering if this message has reached certain members of Mutsvangwa’s own family.

Empty youth leader
Young people around the country were in festive mood after the election of a new leader of Zanu PF youth league, John Paradza.

There are some who already doubt his qualification for the job, having heard how vacuous he sounds when he speaks. But being empty is just the first of his many qualifications for such a top spot.

The second qualification is in a profile published by a pro-Zanu PF website. It said: “Hon Cde Paradza is a businessman who owns a fleet of kombis which ply the Gutu-Harare route. He is also into gold mining like many youths of his age who have taken advantage of the youth inclusive policies by the Government of Zimbabwe.”

Being a member of the gold dealing riffraff is his second qualification.

Then there is his third one. Many will remember how Paradza once insulted women in parliament, calling opposition MPs Lynette Karenyi-Kore a “fourth wife” and Joanna Mamombe a “prostitute”.

An intellectually empty gold dealer who heckles women? What more could one ask for in a Zanu PF leader?

Borehole success
The country continues to record roaring success in delivering services to its people.

It was gleefully reported this week that, 42 years after alleged Independence, two rural schools in Midlands are to get running water.

“Gumbure Primary School in Chiwundura operated with insufficient water for years, affecting children’s learning environment,” state media told us. The nearest water source was 13 kilometres away, and the school has almost 600 pupils. Another nearby school, Mavuzhe, has 150 pupils and six teachers.

However, thanks to the “philanthropic work of Gweru Zanu PF district coordinating committee chairperson Brown Ndlovu”, the two schools now have a borehole.

And people say there is no infrastructure development taking place in the country?

Learn to make bombs
Muckraker was delighted after our alleged leader told a group of school kids that he wants them to grow up, get an education and learn how to make bombs, military jets and guns for the country.

Predictably, a lot of Western surrogates frothed at the mouth, saying it showed that he was a violent man. The man is soft as wool, and simply has been reading the news.

Next door, South Africa’s Denel makes revenue of almost R3 billion (US$186,9 million) a year. Every year, companies that make guns are raking in billions. America is host to five of the world’s biggest arms manufacturers. And you want us to miss out on all this money simply because some people think building hospitals, schools and other civilian industries is some sort of priority?

We also want to make billions from making and exporting killing machines, like we used to do. Besides, America needs competition in this area of prioritising military spending over poor people’s needs.

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