THERE were wild celebrations across Zimbabwe this week after France’s Emmanuel Macron was re-elected as president of his country, as local politicians broke their ankles rushing to be his best friend.
Within minutes of the French version of the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec) announcing the results, the country’s current owner and purported President, Emmerson Mnangagwa, sent out a tweet.
“Congratulations to my good friend President Emmanuel Macron on your historic re-election. The future is bright for French Zimbabwean relations,” he posted.
Not to be outdone, the country’s aspiring owner, Nelson Chamisa, brought up Macron’s age, just to show that he was more likely to be Macron’s friend than his older rival was.
“Congratulations to the 44-year-old Emmanuel Macron on this historic re-election. This is such an inspiration and reminder to all the young people across the world that it’s doable. Going forward, France is a strategic ally and a key player in addressing global challenges,” he said.
Back in France, Macron’s advisors are working flat out trying to figure out just who these two men fighting over him are.
The evil in our midst
As inflation rose above 96% and the Zimbabwean dollar (Zimdollar) went into free-fall, the masses once again turned to their owner for solutions.
He told the people of Epworth: “These economic players (destabilising the currency) are not working alone, they are being sent by foreign countries hostile to Zimbabwe to weaken the currency. So we are devising methods to deal with them. We will close some big companies and banks.”
He described all these attacks on the currency as “evil”.
He did not say what spiritual warfare he would deploy to exorcise this “evil” he was speaking of. We are sure it does not include exorcising the evil monetary ghosts at central bank, which have managed to increase money supply by up to 150% over the past year.
Let us also speak less about the evil ghosts that somehow still managed to preside over foreign currency shortages in a country with inflows over almost US$10 billion.
It takes a special kind of “evil” to be that incompetent. Only a large dollop of Emmanuel Makandiwa’s anointing oil on top of Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe can save the Zimdollar.
Meanwhile, the man supposed to be fixing this currency mess has been gallivanting in America, hobnobbing with the same imperialists that we have been told are behind the collapse of our beloved currency.
Mthuli Ncube, the man who tells everyone within a 100km radius that he once taught economics at snooty British schools, is in America to attend meetings of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), the evil capitalist institution that refuses to give us money.
Ncube has been posting pictures of himself with the likes of France’s representative to the IMF and World Bank, the vice-president of the International Finance Corporation, and other known running dogs of the white monopoly capital.
Since his appointment, one of the man’s biggest successes has been to take a large number of pictures with important people. If the country got a dollar for each time Ncube has posed for photos with people with money, at far away locations, from Davos to Washington, then Zimbabwe would be Africa’s biggest economy by now.
Title deeds air pies
A head of the useless by-elections, voters in Epworth were promised title deeds. Last week, at a Zanu PF celebration event, they were told to wait a while.
“When we were printing titles, we were told that there are people who are printing their own fraudulent copies. We instructed the printers to stop printing so that we issue you with biometric title deeds, which are similar to e-passports,” Mnangagwa said.
As for election promises of water supplies, he also said: “It will take time to solve water challenges because there are structural issues which need to be taken care of.”
Congratulations to the people of Epworth for joining the rest of the nation in being fed on air pies.
The Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc) recently announced that it had fired one of its commissioners for corruption. Zacc’s apparent plan to send a thief to catch a thief clearly did not really work.
But Zacc is not giving up. It has been reported that the commission is targeting to recover US$50 million worth of assets believed to be proceeds of corruption.
Loyce Matanda-Moyo, the boss at Zacc, says her commission will go after criminals and take away their ill-gotten wealth.
This will be a big surprise to our corrupt bigwigs, who are pretty sure that, in the Second Republic, corruption is actually encouraged and not criminalised. Otherwise, why else would Zacc have virtually zero convictions?
Strip corrupt chefs of their loot? This will never happen. The only thing Zacc has managed to recover, according to press reports, are detergents and beer from cross-border traders on buses from Musina.
Clownish spin doctor
Is it not always refreshing to listen to the government’s spokesperson, Nick Mangwana, addressing the major issues of the day? The man is a true gift to the country and Africa as a whole.
Amid rising prices, a war in Europe, increasing poverty and a drought, Mangwana took time to tackle the major issue of the day: he questioned why some parties are not following democratic principles by bending the rules, and behaving like mafia organisations.
“No Constitution. No checks and balances. No processes. That’s not a political party, it’s an oligarchy,” Mangwana said.
Who can disagree with this sort of cutting-edge analysis? The nation needs to come together to reward Mangwana handsomely for describing his party so accurately.