THIS week, the country’s owner and alleged leader, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, was in celebratory mood after receiving some divine news from Heaven over the Easter weekend.
It was announced that Mnangagwa need not trouble himself for no reason trying to do one of his main jobs: creating jobs.
“It is never the responsibility of the government to create jobs for you. The creation of an environment is their responsibility so that you and I prosper, and we have that opportunity in Zimbabwe,” self-styled prophet Emmanuel Makandiwa said in a sermon attended by Mnangagwa and his very prayerful deputy.
This news was received with wild celebrations at the headquarters aptly shaped like a container of potent brew. An order was immediately sent out to erase all the promises that Zanu PF has ever made to create jobs. The Man of God has spoken.
Jobs? What jobs?
Following the words of the country’s tallest prophet, the nation has been urged to get over all previous statements on job creation. This includes that very first speech Mnangagwa made on the night he returned from his brief exile, promising us “jobs, jobs, jobs”. The nation is advised that it never happened.
May it also be known that in its 2013 manifesto, Zanu PF never promised to create 2,2 million jobs.
There is also a passage on page 54 of the 2018 manifesto which says: “Over the past five years, 4,5 million have been gainfully employed in new jobs in both the informal and formal sectors, with agriculture, mining and manufacturing contributing over 80%.”
We must also expunge from history that headline in the Sunday Mail of June 16, 2018, in which the nation was told: “ED delivers 60 000 jobs.”
All this is cancelled by the holy anointing.
Zanu PF’s air pies
Unruly elements will try to keep reminding us of Zanu PF’s election promises, as if they do not know that our owners have been busy the past five years defending the country.
Zanu PF promised 1,5 million houses over five years, a miraculous feat of 820 houses per day. There were also promises of 78 hospitals and 2 000 new schools. We cannot forget that we were promised “consistent economic growth of at least 6% per annum for the period 2018-2023”.
To fulfil these promises, the party would need some sort of miracle, especially the sort of false miracles one gets at fancy mega-churches.
After Emmanuel Makandiwa ordered the nation to forget about promised jobs, the hunt is on for another prophet who will also cancel all other promises in the name of the Lord.
Speaking of churches, the nation commiserates with the family of Noah Taguta, the leader of the Johane Marange church, who died over the past week.
In his condolences message, the office of the alleged President described Taguta as a modern man who had dragged his church into the new century.
“Against age-old practices and set traditions, he challenged archaic outlooks to modernise the church until it embraced secular education, modern medical practices and a better, enlightened life for the girl-child in the church,” the statement said.
“Today children and families in the church and beyond, accept education and have embraced modern medical practices, including vaccination programmes.”
Now, Muckraker is not one to speak ill of the dead. For now, let’s just state all this will come as a shock and a surprise to many child brides in Marange, as well as to the local police.
“So now, we are saying to our industrialists, all these big companies, any investor that comes in here must buy using the Zimbabwean dollar, so that you have to hunt for it.”
It was announced this week that Zimbabwe plans to defend its currency the same way Vladimir Putin has defended his own currency in Russia.
“The Western powers have met their match in Putin, who is demanding payment for gas and oil in roubles,” Mnangagwa said. “So now, we are saying to our industrialists, all these big companies, any investor that comes in here must buy using the Zimbabwean dollar, so that you have to hunt for it.”
Well, it was about time. Muckraker recalls laughing in embarrassment in 2019, when Mnangagwa called Putin “my senior brother”. He asked “senior brother Putin” to “hold my hand as I try to develop Zimbabwe”. It must have been quite a joke for Putin to be called a “senior brother” by a man almost two decades his senior.
We now wait to see a Statutory Instrument that turns down foreign currency in favour of the Zimdollar. After all, as a proud and sovereign country, what do we need foreign money for?
There was widespread panic and pandemonium in opposition circles after one senior official was spotted eating ice cream.
After accusing Mnangagwa of having faked that whole poison-by-ice cream affair in 2017, some in the opposition have changed their minds.
Chalton Hwende, secretary-general of the opposition CCC, was spotted having a cone at Independence Day celebrations. Some supporters immediately lost their minds and threw themselves to the ground in rage. He had to apologise.
He moaned: “Thanks for your concern Citizens, I didn’t get this ice cream for free, I declined the offer of food given to the people seating in this bay, but bought an ice cream from a vendor. I think I should have avoided anything served at the stadium. I will be more careful next time.”
At this rate, this paranoid CCC lot may soon be the first political outfit in history to formally ban ice cream.
- Twitter: @MuckrakerZim