THIS week, the Professor from Oxford pinpointed the cause of the economic crisis that the country finds itself in.
Mthuli Ncube ran the numbers, did his analysis, and pinpointed the culprit behind Zimbabwe’s rising inflation and collapsing currency — it is Vladimir Putin.
“It’s the global factors which are not easy to deal with,” Ncube responded this week, when asked by some pesky journalists why prices are so high when he told us that he had everything under control.
That is right, before the Ukraine war, the country was swimming in prosperity. The economy was booming. It is only when Putin got bored and decided to shoot at his annoying neighbours did the Zimbabwe economy start suffering. Before that, we were Africa’s fastest growing economy, no doubt.
At least sanctions are now out of fashion as an excuse. It was getting boring. Putin is the new scapegoat now.
The country was blessed this week to receive Dubai-based billionaire Shaji Ul Mulk.
There was much excitement at the Herald of absolute truth. “Dubai-based billionaire expected tomorrow”, the Herald reported on Monday. The paper followed this up with “Dubai-based billionaire expected today”, the next day, just in case we had forgotten.
Apparently, Mulk is here to discuss projects such as a “state-of-the-art cricket ground” and hotels.
Now that the billionaire is here, the economy is set for massive growth.
Of course, unpatriotic people will point at other billionaires who visited before amid similar fanfare. They will recall 2018, when we were told that a delegation of 17 Chinese billionaires was headed into the country to put in money.
We will not even mention Aliko Dangote, who visited and flew back home in a hurry after our liberators tried to liberate his pockets. Good luck to Mr Mulk.
Speaking of the Dubai billionaire’s visit, some will remember that the man met our owner in Dubai not long ago.
There, President Emmerson Mnangagwa promised Mulk: “I will personally ensure the provision of all the facilities required by businesses to carry out their investment activities.”
So, who is on Mulk’s delegation? The man behind the visit is one Tempter Tungwarara, a name that many might not have heard of.
To those not given to gossip, like Muckraker is, here is a brief rundown of Tungwarara. He heads an outfit called the Zimbabwe Youth Presidential Support Organisation. Who founded this group and appointed Tungwarara to lead it? One of the country’s finest and most credible entrepreneurs, one Passion Java.
That Tungwarara has been in and out of court for various alleged fraudulent activities, which he naturally denies, is neither here nor there. His record includes allegations in an audit report by the Harare Municipality. The council claimed to have lost money to Tungwarara’s company, Paulos Construction. Of course, he denied the whole thing and blamed it on the “MDC council”. At one time, his lawyers warned online news outlets to stop repeating lies that he was a money launderer.
We all know all this stuff was from jealous people. In any case, our owner does not do business with anyone who does not have silly allegations against them. Tungwarara is qualified.
Speaking of the country’s owner, he was again in Matabeleland this week, ahead of massive celebrations around the world for Zimbabwe’s 42 years of freedom and prosperity.
In Bulawayo, residents were shocked to see that the country still had any construction equipment. Children ran outside to gawk at the marvelous sight of men fixing roads, a rare sight all across the country.
At Barbourfields Stadium, the venue of the wild celebrations to be held on Monday, there were renovations. This, by the way, is the same stadium deemed unfit to host any matches by Fifa. Suddenly, authorities cared about the ground to splash a few coats of paint on it.
Roads leading to the stadium and to the Bulawayo State House were being resurfaced. Who would want motorcades falling into potholes and leaving the nation orphaned?
Residents of Bulawayo have since applied to the government to have Independence celebrations held in their city every week. That is the only way anyone can give their infrastructure any attention.
The country’s owner once again returned to Binga, weeks after voters there did the treasonous act of voting against his party.
According to Nick Mangwana, Africa’s most hardworking spokesperson: “Behold, the Leader of the Second Republic leading. This year we will commemorate Independence on the backdrop of a lot of infrastructural development in this country. Mat (Matabeleland) North is one of the provinces that have many national projects.”
To find out more about these infrastructural projects, Muckraker joined millions across the globe in listening to the President’s speech.
He promised the people of Binga that he would repair the local mortuary. He also stood on the podium and promised clean water at the district hospital. These are the massive, revolutionary achievements that we all prayed for at Independence in 1980.
According to the Auditor-General’s latest report, the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc) is not exactly being transparent about its books.
Who would have thought Zacc, the one organisation meant to be an example to corrupt institutions everywhere, could be hiding something?
“Since its appointment in 2019, the current commission led by Justice Loyce Matanda-Moyo has worked tirelessly to enhance professionalism and transparency in its conduct and execution of its mandate,” Zacc said in response to the audit report.
Clearly, that transparency includes hidden accounts. As for being “tireless” in fighting corruption, it seems entries for Joke of the Year are now open for 2022.