THE nation is reacting with shock and embarrassment, after the release of results for last weekend’s by-elections, most pointless election in a long history of useless polls in the country.
The most shameful result came out of Binga North, where those ungrateful voters decided to vote for a Western stooge, even after their tummies were filled to the brim by the generosity of the country’s owner.
Descending on the area ahead of the election, President Emmerson Mnangagwa brought dozens of bicycles, rewarded chiefs with fishing boats, and even sent in the local minions to patch up some roads. After being abandoned for so long, all this attention confused the voters.
“People here had been seeing a lot of graders fixing roads, food being distributed almost twice a week. They were surprised,” said the winning candidate, Prince Sibanda.
One, obviously, must always be suspicious when that long-estranged, distant aunt with a reputation for nocturnal activities suddenly starts being nice and offering you food.
Useless ‘inroads’ Meanwhile, over at Zanu PF headquarters, there were massive celebrations after the party lost most of the by-elections.
The party was celebrating because it has made “inroads” into opposition territory, according to Chris Mutsvangwa, the regional champion of useless words.
He warned those CCC candidates that won in the election to immediately get to work, lest they be voted out in 2023.
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“We hope they get down to serious business as winners because there is serious work to be done,” roared Mutsvangwa.
We cannot wait for Mutsvangwa to give this same advice to his own boss. We all remember when he allegedly won the 2018 election and promised us millions of jobs, millions of houses, billions of investment and tough wars on corruption.
Years later, the only time he “gets down to serious business” is when he and his family and cronies sit down to eat on the nation’s behalf.
‘New Deception’ Still at the building shaped like a beer container, an apt shape given its inebriated output, the revolutionary party is celebrating a remarkable achievement: pleasing white people.
According to Mutsvangwa, the “returning number of white former nationals” is testament of the New Deception’s success. The number of ribbons cut is also a reflection of how successful the country is now, under Mnangagwa.
“The number of ribbons President Mnangagwa is and has been cutting show that a lot of investments and factories are being opened up,” Mutsvangwa said.
For the majority of the country’s workforce, which is unemployed and living on selling rat poison and fake aphrodisiacs on the streets of the country, it is a surprise to hear that factories are opening all over the place.
This must be the first economy in the world where factories open and jobs are lost.
‘Pro-active Scott’ Muckraker joins the entire nation in congratulating one Scott Sakupwanya, who has had a very good week.
First, he won a race to be councillor in a ward in the Mabvuku-Tafara constituency. This, after doling out free food — including a truckload of fast food — and sending in trucks to collect garbage in the area.
Soon after he had been announced the winner, there was more good news. Philip Chiyangwa, the country’s most trusted businessman, announced that Sakupwanya was now the president of the Affirmative Action Group, a patriotic outfit that pulls together some of the country’s most revered entrepreneurs.
Many are wondering why the man is so successful, obviously envious of the man after he took selfies lying on piles of cash and flaunting gold bars. On his website, the man describes himself as “a pro-active businessman, entrepreneur, who takes cognisance of the community requirements”.
These “community requirements” include grabbing over a hundred gold mining claims from locals in Penhalonga. These are just the sort of attributes that make him a great Zanu PF leader and a sure fit for the AAG.
Strategist Mwonzora Spare a thought for the country’s cleverest political strategist, Douglas Mwonzora.
For some reason, voters ignored the man’s brilliance and chose other parties. His candidates’ votes came out in short single numbers, as if they were rural phone numbers from the old PTC in the 1980s.
Said Mwonzora: “We got our strategy wrong and somebody was saying how come you get your strategies wrong. Here is my answer: ‘Lionel Messi misses a penalty, doesn’t he? Diego Maradona misses a penalty, doesn’t he?’
“We are not politically dead, we are politically alive, we are down, yes, but not out, and we will rise like a Phoenix,” he said, likening himself to a mythical bird that never existed.
Messi will be surprised to learn that his talents are similar to that of Mwonzora. Should he hear of this, no doubt Messi’s form, already facing dismal this season, will get even worse from now on.
