THIS week, the entire nation turned green with envy as the people of Chitungwiza became the latest to receive that most modern piece of public infrastructure — boreholes.
The Presidential Borehole Scheme, launched in Chitungwiza this week, will result in an improvement in water access for the people. Where they used to wake up at 3am to queue for water at the local shallow well, now they get to queue up at 5am at the brand new borehole.
“Under the borehole scheme, Harare and Chitungwiza are expected to get over 200 solar-powered boreholes with another 20 being drilled in Marondera,” the government announced on Tuesday.
These are the cutting-edge, modern social advancements we all expect as we march towards an upper middle-income economy by 2030. Next, we expect Presidential cattle kraals to be launched in Glen View and Budiriro.
Trinkets for Binga
The people of Binga were delighted to welcome a stranger into their midst recently, when the country’s alleged President paid them a visit.
Addressing a rally of bored people, President Emmerson Mnangagwa apologised to the people of Binga for forgetting them.
“In the more than 30 years of Independence, under President Robert Mugabe, we did not come here frequently. Please forgive us,” Mnangagwa said.
To show his contrition for abandoning Binga, Mnangagwa donated the one thing that the people of Binga need the most: dozens of bicycles.
Muckraker is reminded that, a few months ago, a mischievous chief in Binga, one Chief Pashu, told the country’s alleged mother that these promises of trinkets — like the fish ponds that she had just come to commission — were not what his people wanted. They needed basic services, like electricity and cellphone connectivity, just like everyone else.
It is clear she did not carry the message home in time.
The era of land barons will be over after Zanu PF wins this week’s elections, according to the Herald, a paper renowned all over the world for its uncompromising objectivity and unflinching dedication to factual journalism.
Information minister Monica Mutsvangwa told a Zanu PF campaign rally that her party would end the opposition’s practice of doling out illegal stands.
To prove it, the party roped in one Reverend Obadiah Musindo of Destiny of Africa Network. As everyone knows, here is one man who, without a doubt, is the country’s most credible and trustworthy land baron.
Of course, detractors will mention that, not long ago, an investigation by Western-sponsored anti-corruption watchdog Transparency International Zimbabwe found that Musindo was “violating the provisions of the Co-operative Societies Act” by taking over “land under the banner of co-operatives and selling it under portfolios of private companies”.
A land developer who profits from the poor? That is just the sort of property investor the country needs.
Zanu PF promises
There was more good news for urban voters ahead of the weekend. As soon as they finally see sense and stop voting the opposition, they will finally see service delivery.
“Urban voters have been urged to vote for Zanu PF in the upcoming National Assembly and council by-elections if they wish to have improved service delivery,” reported the Herald.
What this means is that urban voters must be envious of rural voters. Imagine living under Zanu PF MPs and councillors for over four decades.
By now, if the promises to urban voters are to be believed — and we have no reason to doubt Zanu PF — service delivery in the rural areas is world-class.
They even have strict timetables for refuse collection at Mataga in Mberengwa, uninterrupted electricity supplies at Mudhindo Growth Point in Mashonaland Central, running water and tarred six-lane highways at Gurungwa in Mashonaland West, while the kids at Chamakondo Primary School in rural Masvingo have more textbooks than they know what to do with them.
Amid issues like the drought, the impact of the European war on our already battered economy, rising inflation, fuel prices, political tensions and all that, cabinet met this week to discuss the most important issue — catalytic converters from used cars.
According to cabinet, there was “a proposal which was granted for approval to be given for application to export used catalytic convertors recovered from vehicles which have come to the end of the useful lives”.
Of course, it makes sense for us to get rid of these devices, which can be a hazard seeing as we have rotting cars all over the place. But you can be sure someone has seen a gap to “convert” this into a killing, and whispered to cabinet that this is the most pressing issue in the land.
According to a Herald report in 2019, “a massive scramble for exhaust emission control devices” had seen motorists losing their exhaust systems to “corrupt mechanics who secretly remove them and rush to the market where each faces between US$65 and US$75”.
Clearly, the corrupt mechanics are now in cabinet and have decided to make their theft official.
It was a delight seeing the former minister Dzikamai Mavhaire attending and addressing the Nelson Chamisa rally in Masvingo last weekend. He drew cheers, inevitably, as he spoke against his old mates in Zanu PF.
“Zanu PF has no title deeds to rule this country,” Mavhaire bellowed.
Of course, he is right. Just as right as he was when — in his heyday, he had title deeds to rule Masvingo — he wormed his way onto the shareholder list of a mining company in the province. It is a free “investment” that has paid off handsomely for the man.
And, of course, not to mention the time when he was energy minister, and Wicknell Chivayo was given a nice fat power contract around that the time that, coincidentally, he bought 200 computers that may or may not have been donated to 20 schools of Mavhaire’s choosing.