HomeAnalysisMUCKRAKER: From comedic Mnangagwa to a gormless loudspeaker

MUCKRAKER: From comedic Mnangagwa to a gormless loudspeaker

IN Dubai this week, the country’s owner shocked many listening investors when he told them that his government was all about transparency.

Speaking at the Dubai Expo, that much-loved feeding trough for idle government officials everywhere, President Emmerson Mnangagwa climbed to a podium and tried to convince investors to bring their money to Zimbabwe.

“Zimbabwe’s skills and human capital base, central and strategic location in Southern Africa coupled with political stability, peace and security, constitute some of the major attributes that make our country an attractive investment destination for global capital,” Mnangagwa said.

He forgot to tell the crowd that much of that human capital has been exported, a genius economic strategy to earn remittances.

As for political stability, many have never heard of it.

He then said: “Over and above this, we are unwavering in entrenching the values of hard and honest work, transparency, accountability and zero tolerance to corruption.”

At this point, most of the would-be investors listening fell into the sand laughing, sure that they had mistakenly bought tickets to the Dubai Expo Annual Comedy Show.

PetroTrade exposé
Any of those people in Dubai who heard about this mecca of transparency should get this confirmation from one Tinomudaishe Chinyoka.

Not long ago, he was appointed as chairperson of PetroTrade, a government-owned fuel company whose sole purpose is to feed as many chefs as possible.

Chinyoka and his board were fired recently, accused of “corporate governance breaches”. This means one thing; they refused to let others eat. It has emerged in court, from Chinyoka, that the board was sacked because Energy minister Soda Zhemu did not like this business of parastatals refusing to rubber stamp corrupt deals.

Chinyoka tells the court: “My suspension, in circumstances where I had detailed provable instances of corruption and criminality, coupled with the first respondent (Zhemu) directly empowering the acting CEO to run the company without oversights, is irrational and so outrageous in its defiance of logic, good judgment and common sense that no impartial person could have made such a decision.”

Feeding chefs quietly is the key performance indicator when you are appointed to jobs at such outfits. Evidently, Chinyoka did not get the memo.

Law lecture
The nation was surprised this week to receive a lecture on the law from the Zimbabwe Republic Police.

According to Paul Nyathi, the designated unfortunate police mouthpiece, people really need to understand the law before they complain about things like being barred from exercising their rights.

“Firstly, it is the responsibility of a convener to notify the local regulating authority, who is the officer commanding a police district, of the intention to hold a rally in line with provisions of the Maintenance of Peace and Order Act (Mopa), Chapter 11:23(1),” the policeman said in a three-page statement.

Of course, it is a surprise to us all to hear that our police officers are aware of the law. The last time we checked, they did not care much for what the constitution says.

We are sure that, soon, we will see them also showing us letters from Zanu PF officials begging to be allowed to hold rallies. We also cannot wait to hear ZRP lecturing Zanu PF that it is rather illegal to bash people in the head simply because you do not like the colour of their shirt.

Only then would we stop howling with laughter at being lectured on law by ZRP.

More boreholes
The entire nation is green all over with envy after the people of Karoi were blessed with a massive gift: a brand spanking new borehole.

Arriving with her entourage in the town, Oppah Muchinguri-Kashiri immediately cut a ribbon, as our dear owner does in this country, and officially launched a borehole for the town. Seeing the widespread jubilation, the party immediately promised more such quality infrastructure.

“Whether we like it or not, we need to respond to challenges of water, and the best solution at the moment is to drill boreholes,” said Tafadzwa Mugwadi, Zanu PF’s gormless loudspeaker.

“We are not only doing it for election purposes, but I should say post-election, whether we win or we do not, we will continue to respond to water challenges.”

And yet you hear people complaining that Zanu PF is not building world-class infrastructure for its people. Why are people so ungrateful in this country?

Russian example
News that Russia has imposed sanctions on the United States was the most inspirational bit of news released this week.

According to reports, Russia put American President Joe Biden, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and a dozen top US officials on a “stop list” that bars them from entering the country. This came after the dastardly West imposed sanctions on Russian businesspeople and ordered Western businesses to leave Russia.

We have seen this sort of warfare before. We have 20 years’ experience. We must follow our ally Russia’s lead and immediately bar Biden and his imperialist minions from visiting Zimbabwe. That should teach them a lesson not to mess with us. We must also freeze all their assets here.

We can even turn that ugly pile of randomly arranged brown bricks they call an embassy into something more useful. We all know that, currently, it is underutilised, a mere meeting place for self-glorified political analysts who make a career out of selling cheap fibs to comically gullible embassies.

Recent Posts

Stories you will enjoy

Recommended reading

You have successfully subscribed to the newsletter

There was an error while trying to send your request. Please try again.

NewsDay Zimbabwe will use the information you provide on this form to be in touch with you and to provide updates and marketing.