It has been a busy last few days for the mandarins in state media, who have the enviable national duty of defending the country against Western lies. They do this by concocting their own.
The owner of the country headed to Europe, resplendent in his standard oversized trousers plus a grim coat.
Obviously, the mandarins were in fine form, informing the world about what was in store for the nation from this visit. Muckraker lost count of the gushing headlines. There was a headline Zim strikes diamond in Europe, followed by Further re-engagement success in Brussels, and Progress on EU normalisation, and President to mend fences with EU and President takes engagement, re-engagement to Europe and EU investors eye Zim and EU happy to engage Zim.
We were left in no doubt as to the success of the trip. We can be sure that there were massive celebrations among European leaders as he arrived. Leaders there set aside trivial issues like the Ukraine-Russia crisis to meet our dear owner. And people dare tell us the country has no leadership?
The nation was left confused this week, after the Europeans continued their sanctions on Zimbabwe just days after holding massive celebrations in our leader’s honour.
According to the European Union, sanctions must continue as “the situation in terms of respect for human rights has not improved in Zimbabwe”.
As if to confuse us even more, the EU went on to say: “Intimidation of the political opposition and other government critics has continued to restrict the democratic and civic space, which is under threat of shrinking further, through the Data Protection Act and ongoing legislative processes such as the Private Voluntary Organisations Amendment Bill and the envisaged so-called Patriotic Act.”
However, according to the Herald, the perennial winner of the annual global awards for truth telling, this was all good news. “Zim makes headway in re-engagement crusade”, the paper said, mentioning that the removal of three people from the sanctions list was a testament to the President’s world-class diplomacy.
It is clear the EU must make up their minds. Were we not told they rolled out the red carpet and held galas in Zimbabwe’s honour?
Nobody was as excited to go to Europe than Chris Mutsvangwa, the designated Zanu PF dung beetle.
He could barely hide his enthusiasm at seeing his master in Europe, telling the ZBC: “It is gladdening to savour that EDM was received with full stretched hands to pomp and circumstance by his European hosts.”
Mutsvangwa went on: “Now he is coming from Brussels, the capital of the European Union, it is the headquarters of the world’s largest trading bloc. This trip was the most dramatic indicator that the engagement and re-engagement agenda of President EDM is gathering increasing momentum to a victorious crescendo.”
He was not done. He added: “The Brussels trip sounds like a death knell to the sanctions and dira jecharist (sabotage) agenda of MDC as it pupates to CCC.”
Never has a black man been so excited about meeting white people since Moise Tshombe sold Katanga to the Belgians.
According to the Sunday Mail, the nation must be aware that Mnangagwa is “the game changer”. That he is, somehow, going to change a game that he has been playing for over 40 years is neither here nor there.
An article said the leader is, suddenly, aware that his government needs more action than words.
“It all started about a week ago when ministers and heads of public institutions signed performance-based contracts that have been hailed as confirmation that the President now wants results to speak louder than words,” the paper declared.
This is new to everyone. When exactly did this realisation come about? Since when did action become more important than empty rhetoric? What are we supposed to do with national mantras like “Open for Business” and “mega deals”?
News that the economy is booming and recovering was delivered to the masses at a youth rally in honour of Robert Mugabe, a man known far and wide for creating jobs for young people.
It reminded one of that silly raven Moses in Animal Farm, whose job was to keep the animals from having silly thoughts of demanding their rights.
He did this by always promising them that a paradise was just around the corner, if they can be just patient and keep working hard.
“Up there, comrades,” the raven would tell the other animals, pointing to the sky with his oversized beak, “up there, just on the other side of that dark cloud that you can see — there it lies, Sugarcandy Mountain, that happy country where we poor animals shall rest for ever from our labours.”
Clearly, the likes of Mthuli Ncube and their sugary economic forecasts have plucked a few feathers from Moses the raven. Were we not promised heaven after the austerity measures?
It was reported this week that there was to be an auction of property at the Mugabe farm, or, more accurately, at one of the Mugabes’ farms.
A report in this newspaper reported that, at the Gushungos’ Norton farm, there was to be an auction of properties such cars, trucks, pumps, combine harvesters, ploughs and other loot. This, of course, makes some unhappy.
The Independent quoted a “sympathiser” as saying this reflected badly on the government: “The treatment of the former President (Robert Mugabe) continues to have a sour taste in the mouth. It’s absolutely essential that former leaders and current ones are treated with respect and decorum so that they gracefully exit office without fear of ill-treatment.”
Yes, according to this Mugabe sympathiser, whoever was owed by the Mugabes should have just let it go. After all, here is a man who was known for never paying debts in his living years. He should not be expected to start now.