Muckraker, like millions of other bored and idle people in the country, tuned in to the Zanu PF Epworth rally at the weekend.
This was purely for purposes of self-inflicted pain and entertainment.
At the rally, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, the region’s foremost expert on currencies, said there was no way the country would use the US dollar as its main currency again.
“We are supporting our own currency which will help to grow our economy.
We cannot grow our economy on the basis of a currency which we have no control upon.
So that’s where we are going,” he said.
According to one newspaper headline, Mnangagwa said the “US dollar will destroy the economy”.
This can only mean that Zanu PF has, in these days of rebranding, changed its name to “US dollar”.
It was truly inspiring listening to Mnangagwa telling his supporters about how envious other regional leaders must be of our rapid development as a nation.
Everywhere our owner goes, he tells them of the massive infrastructure development that he has brought to Zimbabwe.
“I was in Mozambique just yesterday. My friend (Filipe) Nyusi invited me to see the trains he recently bought from India.
I told him, ‘I forgot to invite you.
Recently, I also bought buses’. We will keep buying you buses,” Mnangagwa told his crowd.
Poor Nyusi. Who can blame him for being envious of Mnangagwa?
We are sure that after all the infrastructure projects he has been doing, from the Nacala highway linking his country to Malawi and Zambia, the US$100 million Maputo urban transformation project, the US$1 billion gas-to-power project in Inhambane, those airport hubs in Pemba and Tete, and even that nice looking Maputo-Katembe Bridge and the billion-dollar gas projects up north in Cabo, the man is still envious of his neighbour’s no-brand Zupcos.
The by-election campaigns are hotting up and everyone is holding a rally here, there and everywhere.
There has not been this much interest in by-elections in many years.
What has not changed is the calibre of candidates. For example, the people of Harare East are blessed with excellent choices.
On the one hand is Tendai Biti of the CCC, while Mavis Gumbo is for the umpteenth time trying her luck with Zanu PF.
She has such a strong background.
Who can forget how Gumbo was sued by the Public Service Medical Aid Society (PSMAS) for allegedly draining the fund through dodgy allowance claims.
In the end, PSMAS, which is supposed to take care of poor civil servants, had to pay about a million US dollars to cover the gap.
Will we also not forget that time the address of the Mugabes’ fly-by-night airline Zimbabwe Airways turned out to be Mavis’ house in Harare?
With such strong qualifications for a Zanu PF candidate, how could the party chefs ever turn her down as their candidate?
Speaking of campaigns, Biti reminded the nation yet again to stay away from people who enable the evil regime in charge of the country.
“Stop listening to Chill Spot Records or buying sneakers from that guy who was at Mnangagwa’s rally,” Biti told a group of rapidly nodding supporters at a shopping centre in Newlands.
Of course, the whole nation is up in arms with the likes of Fantan, that rotund DJ from Mbare, who attended Mnangagwa’s rally and praised the country’s owner for imaginary development.
We thank Biti for the reminder.
Meanwhile, in totally unrelated news, over at the courts, Gideon Gono is fighting off a foreign company that he allegedly defrauded over a chicken feed deal gone sour.
According to Gono’s lawyer, the country’s best ever central bank governor did nothing wrong, and will not pay up in US dollars as demanded because our currency is the Zimbabwean dollae.
Well done to Gono’s lawyer, Tendai Biti.
Also in court is a company owned by a Minister of Mines Winston Chitando, accused of taking someone else’s mines.
We thank the company’s lawyer, Welshman Ncube, for standing with the truth.
These are honourable people, unlike these dancehall chaps who jump on stage each time they see Zanu PF dollars.
Congratulations go to Douglas Mwonzora for having the biggest crowd of all parties last weekend.
After haters posted fake pictures of what looked like a sparse crowd — if you can even call it that — at a rally in Highfield, Mwonzora came out to correct all the fake news.
“At the moment, as you can see, people are gathered and the estimation of people can be over 5 000.
There is no other political party which had huge crowds as MDC-T,” he said.
Muckraker was immediately reminded of a moment in JRR Tolkien’s book, when an army facing defeat had to summon the Army of the Dead, known as the Dead Men of Dunharrow, to join the war.
Imagine having ghosts that only you can see fighting for you.
We all knew Mwonzora had many talents. We were just unaware that these gifts included the ability to summon non-existent supporters to a rally.
Stinking mega deals
In the spirit of mega deals, cabinet this week announced a deal that, quite literally, stinks to high heaven.
We heard that the government had awarded a deal to a company, Geogenix BV, for the design, build, operate and transfer for the Pomona dumpsite waste management facility and waste-to-energy plant project.
“Geogenix BV will invest €303,9 million to design, build, operate and transfer a waste management facility and waste-to-energy 16-22 MW plant at Pomona in Harare.
The project will be managed and operated by the investor for a period of 30 years before transfer of the project to the City of Harare,” the government’s unfortunate mouthpiece, Monica Mutsvangwa, told journalists.
Well, anyone who is literate will have seen that the same company, back in 2017, was all over the Albanian press being accused of alleged tender fraud.
According to one report, the same company won a similar deal to the Pomona one, “although the company had no experience in waste management” and “without following tender procedures”.
However, we all know by now that companies with such a record are the ones that are best-placed to win tenders in the Second Republic.
We cannot have too many legitimate companies; those are too tight-fisted with incentives.
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