SOME people never learn, do they? This week, it was reported that one Charles Shava, the acting boss at the national milk cow, also known as Nssa, had been arrested. His crime? Paying some doctors more money allegedly without authority.
That is a dastardly crime in the country.
Just a few days before his arrest, the man had committed an even bigger, more serious crime — reporting a minister for alleged corruption.
According to reports, Paul Mavima, the chef in charge of non-existent Public Service, is said to have jumped the queue to buy a Nssa house in Quinnington, an area in the leafy-but-still-pothole-riddled enclave of Borrowdale.
Of course, because of what can only be sheer jealousy, the management at Nssa raised the alarm.
In no time, Shava was appearing before a beady-eyed magistrate in the country’s finest courts.
When we tell people that screaming about corruption is rude and illegal, they never listen. Just join the eating and eat in silence.
Did your parents not tell you not to talk while eating? The big shock here is not that Mavima is buying himself a house from a pension fund that he oversees.
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The big scandal is that we have a whole minister who still did not own a house in Borrowdale after all these years of alleged public service. Why was he so slow?
Poor comms strategy
Speaking of corruption, the nation this week joined together in celebrating our own John Mangudya, once voted Africa’s worst reserve bank governor by some obviously Western-funded foreign magazine.
Zimbabweans, known around the world for their short attention span, were starting to ignore the whole noise about the coming Al Jazeera documentary.
But Mangudya decided that it was worth reminding everyone about it.
So, he surprised all and sundry by releasing a two-page statement responding to something that nobody has seen yet.
The comical statement surprised even the government propagandists, who hate competition when it comes to poor propaganda.
According to Mangudya, allegations that the bank is used for money laundering are “scurrilous” and “malicious”.
However, what patriots around the country are angry about is not that Mangudya distanced himself from thievery, as if it is a crime in this country.
We are more concerned by the fact that he told the world that “there are no sanctions on Zimbabwean exports and imports”.
What are we supposed to tell the people now?
What excuses must we give for stealing and looting?
What do we use for campaigns now?
And to think the nation defended him when detractors called him Africa’s worst governor.
In Chitungwiza, that wretched mass settlement near Harare where nobody really wants to live and a centre of all sorts of nefarious activity over the years, got an unwanted visitor last weekend.
The fellow Winky D, who claims to be a musician of some sort, performed there.
He jumped on stage and started performing, singing some of his songs.
Muckraker is not much of a fan, so it took the young ones to explain that the man has been singing songs that carry some treasonous messages, such as speaking out against people who eat on behalf of the people and so forth and so on.
Obviously, people got tired of these criminal songs and contacted the nearest police station to have him cleared from the area for making them pay to listen to such things.
We congratulate the youths for being alert. We cannot tolerate such music.
We have issued a fatwa on the man. Until he composes new songs that are palatable for our conferences and congresses, and which do not disrupt our eating, our police must always be alert to stop his shenanigans.
If people want to be entertained, Tambaoga is available at short notice.
Muckraker got worried this week when it was reported that one Robert Chapman, leader of the alleged opposition Democratic Union of Zimbabwe party, has not been paying maintenance for his children.
One report told us that, back in 2024, a judge had ordered that Chapman “shall continue to pay the sum of US$873 per month as current support, in addition to the purge amount of US$500 per month”. Reached out for a comment, his party is said to have responded: “The president will not be responding to allegations levelled against him as the case is public and is set to expose his children’s names”.
When the news was reported, some people celebrated, saying this is a sign that he is a poor leader and does not deserve to run for office.
Well, let us all be serious. If failing to take care of side kids became a measure for politicians, we would have to shut down our Parliament.
Have you seen how MPs on both sides of the aisle sweat each time a woman carrying a baby just passes by the Parliament reception?
Let us be careful, for the sake of our favourite politicians.
There was good news out of Japan this week, as it was reported that the country will soon teach us how to grow rice.
This is all courtesy of the hard work of the Mother of the Nation.
According to the Herald, the country’s best newspaper by far: “A Japanese expert in New Rice for Africa (NERICA) is in the country at the invitation of First Lady Dr Auxillia Mnangagwa to lay the groundwork for large-scale rice production in Zimbabwe.”.
Apparently, our First Lady met the gentleman while attending a conference in Japan.
When the man mentioned that he was working with several African countries, leaving out Zimbabwe, our mother went after him and ended up reaching a mega deal for Japanese rice.
What more can a nation ask for?
She is clearly more hardworking than her hubby.
At least when she travels abroad she comes home with results, in this case lots of rice.
Back to the so-called Al Jazeera documentary, many people are angry for some reason.
Some are angry that people are stealing gold and taking it abroad, when in fact these are just patriots taking these minerals abroad for safekeeping on behalf of the nation. However, we have more important things to worry about. It is the calibre of our prophets that we must all, as a nation, be concerned about.
We are told that the whole purported documentary was made using hidden cameras that recorded people discussing alleged crimes.
We must then ask; how is it that one of our leading prophets, who is supposed to have spiritual eyes that can perceive even what is hidden, fail to see these cameras in his spirit?
What a disappointment for us believers everywhere.