HomeOpinionMUCKRAKER: Coup president worries about coups in Africa

MUCKRAKER: Coup president worries about coups in Africa

Leaders gathered at the African Union (AU) summit, which ended earlier this week, were privileged to have expert opinion on all sorts of critical issues, including coups.

“The issue of coups and attempted coups, five of them in the same region, is a worry to the AU,” said President Emmerson Mnangagwa, whose hands-on expertise in the field is highly regarded and much sought-after across the continent and beyond.

He went on, asking: “What is it that we should do to forestall any future coups?”

Leading countries properly and running professional armies, for instance, is not an option. This is a no brainer. Again, Mnangagwa asked: “What is it that the AU has not done to make sure that the African states do not have persons that are attracted to doing unconstitutional activities.”

Well, first of all, they would start by not encouraging coups by calling them “military-assisted transitions”.

Mnangagwa was not finished, adding a few more gems: “We are saying that Ecowas (Economic Community of West African States) should stand to the challenge of what has happened. But as with the rest of Africa, we must make sure that we condemn drastically the issues of coups on our continent.”

Well, if Africa starts stopping coups from happening and condemning them, some among us would not be in power. We need to slow down on that one.

Hallucinating Herald
The Herald, the world’s best-selling newspaper of fact-based information, surprised itself this week with its reportage of the teachers’ strike.

As schools reopened, some teachers decided to stay away. Naturally, the Herald saw things differently.

“Teachers in most of the country’s provinces ignored calls by their representative unions not to report for duty over pay,” the paper said, confirming that news reporters sometimes see imaginary things, including absent teachers.

A day after this report, Herald had changed its mind, reporting that there was, in fact, “mixed attendance”.

Now, why had some teachers stayed away? It had nothing to do with their silly excuses, such as salaries that are about US$70 per month. It was because of the British. These teachers, the paper reported to a shocked nation, “have been accused of working with Western interests to cause political and economic instability in Zimbabwe”.

The leaders of the teachers’ unions are “allegedly handsomely rewarded financially for the strikes”. Well, at least someone is paying teachers.

Clueless Mangudya
According to John Mangudya, the number one governor of reference for scholars of bad economics all around the world, anyone still dreaming about going back to the dollarisation era needs to sit down and have their head examined.
Dollarisation is “not a panacea to sustainably and competitively develop the country,” according to Mangudya. He is, of course, right. What he forgot to do, however, is to tell us what the panacea is. Clearly, like the rest of us, he has no clue.
ccording to John Mangudya, the number one governor of reference for scholars of bad economics all around the world, anyone still dreaming about going back to the dollarisation era needs to sit down and have their head examined.

News that there are not enough US dollars in the country will be news to the string of well-connected agents who are making good money importing luxury cars for government chefs.

Generous govt
Civil servants will now get about US$175 per month after the latest adjustment announced this week, caused by unruly elements who refused to turn up for work.

According to Finance minister Mthuli Ncube, it is all thanks to the President, who “directed” that civil servants be given more money. The “government remains committed to continue improving the conditions of service for teachers and the entire civil service, as the economy improves”, Mthuli said.

Where would these civil servants be if not for the generosity of the President. How astute of him to realise that poor workers must be protected from the effects of his own ruinous rule.

After lecturing businesses to take the Zimbabwe dollar seriously, it was only fitting that the same government shows faith in our own currency by paying workers in the imperialist’s currency.

Laughable policy
News that the government is introducing performance contracts was met with widespread laughter across the government. According to the government, the Integrated Results-Based Management System, launched this week, will make sure that chefs do their jobs.

We all await to see whether the country’s top civil servant himself will be evaluated and have his results publicly displayed. We are certain that, as soon as the evaluation is done, matching his successes against his promises, decisions to make such things public will be rescinded, in the national interest.

Since when is performance a qualification for jobs in the top echelons of public institutions?

Freebies season
Crazy season is upon us; as election campaigns for the March 26 by-elections have gone gear up. It is not like the country ever snaps out of election season anyway. Elections are a national obsession, even when it is not election season.

But voters are not complaining as freebies have started flowing.

In Mutare, Zanu PF’s official Binali Yard led a group of party chefs as they doled out fertilisers to voters, telling them: “We are giving you fertilisers. Put it to good use.”

Elsewhere, Zanu PF has been handing out soap and detergents, to make sure the unwashed masses turn up clean at the polls.

In Kuwadzana East, the opposition CCC candidate handed out books to a library his party has long abandoned. May elections be held every week from now on. It is the only time politicians give voters any attention.

Meanwhile, Zanu PF’s Mike Bimha says Mnangagwa will hold rallies this weekend. According to Bimha, in his speeches, “the President will highlight the successes registered in the past few years”.

This is, obviously, likely to make those speeches very short.

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