“The Chief Secretary to the President and Cabinet, Dr Misheck Sibanda, wishes to advise that His Excellency the President, Dr ED Mnangagwa, started his annual vacation yesterday, 13th January 2022. His vacation, which runs until 5th February 2022, will be spent in the country,” it was announced.
News that the President has taken leave from work was met with widespread confusion all across the country. Up to this moment, the people of Zimbabwe were unaware that the man had been doing any work at all.
However, the nation is united in wishing him well. He needs his rest. Running down a whole country is a tiring job.
US dollar jokes
Meanwhile, it is sad to see that civil servants are not learning anything from the President’s hard work.
Instead of working, we saw teachers marching all over town, demanding payment in United States dollars. Imagine demanding US dollars for merely teaching?
In solidarity with the arrested teachers, some obscure world union calling itself the International Trade Union Confederation wrote to Mnangagwa, asking him if he was still the “listening President” that he used to claim to be, in those days when the nation was drunk on coup juice.
“We wonder whether you are still listening or have since closed your ears. The teachers and the rest of the workers in your country have a very clear message — they want to be paid their United States dollars as was the case prior to October 2018,” the union said.
No wonder the teachers were soon locked up and brought to court in leg chains. Such lazy demands are more criminal than corruption. Besides, that currency is not called the United States dollar for jokes. That is where it is from.
Surely, if people want to be paid in the US dollar, they know where to go — to the United States.
Speaking of ungrateful government workers, Zanu PF spokesperson Chris Mutsvangwa, who seems to eat self-delusion for breakfast, has discovered why skilled workers are leaving our wonderful country in plane loads.
It is, as we all suspected all along, all the doing of the evil West. Having failed to bring down the country through their sanctions, they are now destroying us by stealing our doctors, nurses and so forth.
“We trained people, they then come and snatch them,” he said. Mutsvangwa told these greedy Westerners to stop “harvesting where they did not sow”.
How blessed are we as a nation to have leaders as alert as Mutsvangwa up there in the higher echelons of power, looking out for our interest. Why all these doctors, nurses and other skilled labourers would choose to leave their own country, we will never know. Who would want to leave a country with so many talented comedians like Mutsvangwa?
Saviour “Tyson” Kasukuwere, domiciled outside the country after a long, illustrious career of cutting limbs and ruining businesses, is feeling lonely.
Kasukuwere has released a statement, moaning the “pain and untold suffering” he and other scattered Robert Mugabe minions have suffered since some army chaps decided it was their time to eat in November 2017.
According to Kasukuwere: “Some have lost their beloved ones, others sacked from their work, some thrown out of the party for having supported RGM as our President, others are in exile yet still some live with exclusion and victimisation to this day.”
He must hate the fact that people are being killed in his absence. For him, it must feel like seeing old friends playing a game of soccer and not inviting him to play. He misses violence. As for “exclusion”, he means the distance between his tummy and the feeding trough is simply too much to bear.
This is unfair. The new looters need to learn to share. They cannot be killing and looting on their own while others salivate from a distance.
Kasukuwere could barely believe his luck this week, as Mutsvangwa delivered the attention the man craved.
Mutsvangwa dedicated three whole pages of emotional uselessness to talk about a meeting between Kasukuwere, Temba Mliswa and Killer Zivhu, at what, given the cast of characters, must only have been an annual clown convention. Mutsvangwa frothed at what he called “vain political pretenders”.
He went on, saying: “For the record, the President ED Mnangagwa has no need whatsoever of the purported and professed support of the three whistlers in the dark who wallow in the political darkness.”
We can rest assured that Killer Zivhu understood none of those wordy insults.
News that two officials who worked at Zanu PF headquarters were fired this week must have come as a bit of a shock.
According to a report, Zanu PF director for administration, Dickson Dzora, was arrested for “allegedly conniving with some officials to corruptly engage a private company to print thousands of ballot papers for the party’s provincial polls”.
Another official, it was further reported, “was reportedly fired after he allegedly syphoned thousands of dollars from the party”.
Dzora, we were told, messed about with the party’s voter registers, contributing to the chaotic scenes seen in the party’s elections. Tempering with ballots ahead of an election? Sacking the man was unfair.
It must be confusing to all party loyalists.
Clearly, here was a committed party comrade who was simply rehearsing for 2023.