AFTER smiling at our owner and tumbling over each other to shake his hand and admire his scarf, the West this week showed yet again that it can never be trusted.
It was reported this week that Joe Biden, having awoken after sleeping through much of the COP26 summit in Glasgow last week, has decided to leave Zimbabwe out of some “democracy summit” that he is hosting in December.
According to the United States government, the summit will “provide a platform for leaders to make both individual and collective commitments to defend democracy and human rights at home and abroad”.
Of course, some unpatriotic people are celebrating that a leading democracy like Zimbabwe has been left out of a summit.
Looking at the invite list, there are luminaries like Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte. Here is a man who has declared he does not “care about human rights”. He also likes to have people shot in the streets.
Surely, if the criteria for being invited is hating humans and shooting them, our own leader qualifies to attend. We must protest.
But it is a virtual summit. Who wants to attend a virtual summit anyway? We prefer real summits where we can hire expensive jets packed to the overhead lockers with our cronies and feast on per diems that are the size of Obert Mpofu.
Unpatriotic war vets
Patriots around the nation were distraught this week to learn that the country’s liberators will be paid part of their pensions in US dollars.
Defence minister Oppah Muchinguri-Kashiri, speaking to the military top brass at an allegedly strategic retreat in Kariba, said the government had pledged to pay the increasingly noisy war veterans in forex.
“Already, a commitment has been made by Treasury to pay war veterans bonuses this year, a part of which is likely to be in foreign currency,” Muchinguri-Kashiri said.
Imagine a country that fought and won a gallant fight against imperialists, launching its own patriotic currency, only for those same fighters who fought against imperialists to start demanding to use the money of defeated imperialists.
These people must be arrested again for lacking patriotism.
Speaking of patriotism, the country’s deputy owner, Vice-President Constantino Chiwenga, who moonlights as the country’s Health minister, has urged skilled health workers to be patriotic and stop leaving the country.
“We have to be guided by patriotism to have the love of our country,” he said.
According to the VP, the country is training people, only for them to leave for greener pastures.
He said: “But we also want the education that has been imparted to work here, they (health workers) must have the patriotism to work here.”
This is good news. We are happy to hear that patriotism is now a currency that we can all be satisfied with. Muckraker joins health workers and all other skilled labourers across the country in urging landlords to take patriotism as a form of rent.
From now on, we will walk into shops and use patriotism to buy groceries, use it to pay school fees and use it in hospitals to pay for medical care. We look forward to a statutory instrument to this effect as soon as possible.
Still on currencies, the man in charge of the nation’s alleged money, John Mangudya, must be congratulated for finally pinpointing the source of the currency crisis that has blighted the country for decades.
It is not poor management of resources or theft. It is not even sanctions. According to Mangudya, the culprit is now known: it is social media.
“Despite trying to convince the public that we have been allowed to use the local currency, and we will not go back to 2008, but due to the polarisation in this country, people are now using social media to remind people that we are now going back to 2008,” Mangudya told army officers.
In other words, people somehow do not believe anything Mangudya tells them. Nobody knows why this is so. It is, obviously, nothing to do with previous lies such as “the US dollar is equal to the bond note gedye”, or that “if the bond note fails, I will resign”.
People are, according to Mangudya, just doubting him for no reason whatsoever.
The nation is grateful to the Apostolic Christian Council of Zimbabwe and the Zanu PF Youth League for remaining ever vigilant against threats to the country.
Once they heard that a gay celebrity was on the way to Harare, they sprang into action, threatening protests and howling their disapproval.
“Somizi is a homosexual, hence according to our people’s driven constitution, Zimbabwe doesn’t tolerate homosexuality,” the church group wrote.
You know what else is against the constitution? Marrying young girls. But, it seems, we will deal with that small matter once we have made sure we are not invaded by homosexual crooks. That is an existential threat to the nation.
Still on the country’s revered men of the cloth, it was reported this week that Obadiah Musindo — who claims to be a pastor — had told MDC Alliance leader Nelson Chamisa to first fix the rot in urban areas before trying to run the whole country.
“All urban local authorities that are under his party are a shame,” Musindo said. Of course, this “shame” does not include the action of illegal land barons, one of which may or may not be Musindo himself.
“He should show the people what his councils have achieved under his reign,” Musindo said. We are sure that, years later, Musindo will be able to show people the phantom stands he may or may not have sold them.