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Muckraker: Hush! Mnangagwa can’t wait to set foot in UK — in 25 years!


THE entire nation was gripped with anger this week as America and its allies still refused to remove sanctions.

All over the country, patriots took time from their tight schedules of busy joblessness to take part on various anti-sanctions activities, including marches and hanging around outside the United States embassy in Harare.

At the National Railways of Zimbabwe, officials declared that, if it weren’t for sanctions, the country would have bullet trains and all that criss-cross the land. Instead, NRZ yards are choking with rusting coaches, the lines have been stripped of power cables.

We all know the collapse of the NRZ has nothing to do with mismanagement. Only unpatriotic sellouts would bring up all the fraud unearthed at the parastatal over the years. One of Muckraker’s favourite of the stories happened just last year, when senior staff were found to have stripped brake blocks from NRZ wagons and sold them. A case of the wheels coming off the national railway, literally.

Sanctions jingles

The US embassy shouted itself hoarse all week, telling the world that it is all about human rights and all that. America stands for human rights. Which is true, unless, of course, you are the owner of a country with oil. They even claimed to support press freedom. This is true, unless of course, your name is Julian Assange.

In response, patriots held marches. On our country’s favourite and only television station, there was an endless din of jingles denouncing sanctions. There was even an all-night gala.

It was, therefore, shocking to learn that, after all that, America and its Western allies have still not ended sanctions at the time of writing this column. One would have thought that one sight of a gyrating Sandra Ndebele at the gala would have brought those imperialists to their senses.

Chamisa mine

Still on sanctions, the media patriotically reported that in Mutare, the designated party youth rabble-rouser, one Danmore Mambondiyani, had gone around the town demanding that Nelson Chamisa and Tendai Biti have sanctions removed.

According to Mambondiyani: “Why does Biti and Chamisa have a mine when they have invited sanctions to our beloved nation? Their companies must be barred from accessing foreign currency on auction floor. They can get it from Western countries. It is wise to cut their companies from national power grid so they can be supplied by the US and Britain.”

Chamisa will be pleasantly surprised to learn that he suddenly owns a mine.

This is how rich this country has become. You go to bed one night being a mere lawyer, and wake up the next morning with the ruling elite having allocated you a mine without even asking.

Beer outcry

In Victoria Falls, where our representatives were eating and drinking on behalf of the masses, genius plans were hatched on how to fix all the things that are wrong in the country.

One such problem identified was beer and cigarettes.

According to Constantino Chiwenga, our deputy owner and one-time pretend liberator, we must put a new tax on beer and tobacco to fund hospitals.

“If we take a pack of 20 cigarettes and remove four, it means every five packets sold one goes to the national health services. With regard to alcohol, a certain number of bottles should contribute to funding of health care services,” he said.

At Muckraker’s dingy watering hole, the news was received with much alarm and despondency. Some imbibers, with beer having washed all remnants of patriotism from their mouths, wondered aloud why it is harder to cut spending — such as on hotels, cars, flights and surplus wives — in order to support hospitals, than it is to make the wise waters even more expensive. But why should our owners listen to mere drunkards?

Mwenezi’s turn

The nation congratulates the people of Mwenezi. This week, they were the latest to play host to the National Commissioner and Ribbon-Cutter-in-Chief, who blessed them with a new factory that turns marula fruits into beverages, oils and all sorts of other important fluids.

“The plant is one of the flagship government projects that is set to stimulate economic growth,” the nation was told.

Let no unruly elements bring up useless reminders like the idle plant in Mt Hampden, which we were once told would turn jatropha trees into 100 million litres of biodiesel per year.

That monument to dodgy science was abandoned after it was discovered that one could actually get diesel through an easier method: by simply sitting at the foot of a hill, barefoot, clapping one’s hands in reverence to a woman holding a hosepipe funneling pure diesel from a mystical rock.

War vets demands

This week, a group of alleged war veterans were arrested for daring to deliver another invoice to the people of Zimbabwe for services rendered during the war.

We all get annoyed when a plumber keeps changing the quotation when you have already paid them for work done. But these ones say it was not enough.

“Mugabe had promised us ZW$500 000, but gave us ZW$50 000 only. Where is the rest?” said one of the war veterans, as if unaware that the country is now under new ownership. This new ownership is all about balancing the books and isn’t too keen about printing money, unless of course, it is to pay themselves.

The war veteran went on to say if the government has no money, it should get it from “Queen Bee”. At least these war veterans know who exactly is running the country. They should go protest at his office.

UK jaunt

The people of the United Kingdom can hardly wait for the arrival of President Emmerson Mnangagwa, who is heading there to join other world leaders in finding solutions to global warming.

There is palpable excitement. The man himself said, “I am eagerly looking forward to my first visit to the United Kingdom”.

Nick Mangwana, world respected spokesperson, said: “No Zimbabwean leader has officially visited the United Kingdom in 25 years. The effort to make Zimbabwe a normal member of the community of nations is bearing fruit.”

All talks to save the planet will be on hold until Mnangagwa arrives. We are sure the world can hardly wait to hear his genius plans on protecting the environment.

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