After telling the nation that Zimbabwe should not concern itself too much about sanctions, the Zimbabwe government invited the United Nations special rapporteur Alena Douhan to probe the impact of sanctions on human rights in Zimbabwe.
It is almost as if the government of President Emmerson Mnangagwa is desperate to have the restrictions lifted or something.
According to the itinerary, she is expected to meet cabinet ministers, the central bank, the Zimbabwe Human Rights Commission and Chief Justice Luke Malaba and other patriots who are all likely to parrot the patriotic message of the debilitating effects of sanctions.
News that Mnangagwa is now looking to a UN special envoy to have sanctions lifted must, of course, be accompanied by news that we have demanded a refund from the PR agencies we have been paying for doing nothing in Washington.
Of course, the lobbyists were pleasantly surprised to get such easy money. But surely, even they must do the right thing and pay back the money. We have better uses for it; like buying new cars.
No one quite does irony like Zanu PF.
Over the past few days, Zanu PF youths have allegedly attacked opposition leader Nelson Chamisa’s convoys. In Masvingo, they stoned cars, barricaded roads with burning logs and assaulted members of Chamisa’s entourage.
Some of the members of Chamisa’s entourage were reportedly hospitalised for foolishly interrupting people defending the country. They should have known better than to put their heads in the way of Zanu PF missiles.
There were more alleged attacks in Mutare, with reports of gunshots being fired at Chamisa’s convoy.
Clearly, someone in Zanu PF is working for the opposition.
Just as this Douhan comrade arrives here to find out whether it is sanctions that are causing human rights abuses, the party works hard to erase all doubt that human rights abuses are the party’s national policy.
Acting Zanu PF political commissar Patrick Chinamasa thinks Chamisa is “imposing himself” on the people without their consent.
In fact, according to the “Bin Man” Chinamasa, “Chamisa has no right to force people to listen to him …”.
“In this case, the information I received is that the villagers did not want to be addressed by him for obvious reasons. If you listen to a mad man, you become part his cast. Our Zanu PF people had a right to refuse to be addressed. It’s their right.”
It was good to see the police being called into action and acting fast when Chamisa came under attack.
As soon as they heard that Chamisa was under siege at a private residence in Masvingo, the police sprang into action. In no time, they arrived at the scene and proceeded to do what any police force worth its salt would do: they fired teargas into the house to make sure that the meeting stops.
What better way to stop a meeting being attacked, than to make sure that the meeting does not take place at all. We have geniuses in the ZRP who deserve medals for quality policing.
We are sure they were bitterly disappointed at arriving late for the attacks on Chamisa near Mutare. They would have promptly joined in.
Finance ministry permanent secretary George Guvamatanga this week declared that the economy is in a far better position than it has been in a long time.
Guvamatanga told the state media that the country is in a “very great condition” economy-wise.
This will be news to the majority of Zimbabweans who, for some reason, are struggling to make ends meet in this economic boom.
Clearly, all this talk about the local currency taking a battering, resulting in the skyrocketing of prices of basic commodities, is all imaginary.
This talk that half of the country’s population faces starvation is all a ploy by NGOs to get donor money.
Speaking of the economy, our Members of Parliament will be holding a pre-budget seminar this weekend. This is when our Honourable MPs gather to discuss the nation’s top economic priorities.
This year, the theme of the event is “Reinforcing Sustainable Recovery and Resilience”, according to parliament.
Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe governor John Mangudya will make a presentation titled Monetary Policy Complementing Fiscal Policy Towards Vision 2030 and its Implications for 2022 Budget or something of that sort.
In order to show that the country is using its resources wisely, the MPs are being flown via a chartered flight to Victoria Falls, where they will stay in top hotels, eating and drinking to their hearts’ content.
What better way is there to show that you care about taxpayers’ money than spending all of it? This is the sort of prudent financial management we must all applaud.
In a bid to show the world that it has now left policy inconsistency in the past, the Second Republic has recently made key decisions to increase public confidence in the Zimbabwean dollar.
Firstly, after banning the US dollar and reinstating it again, the country’s owner displayed his confidence by selling his own piece of hagiography, A Life of Sacrifice, in US dollars.
We then saw a notice of an auction by the Zimbabwe Republic Police, selling goods at the unpatriotic street rate, for which police are meant to arrest people. We await news of arrests at Morris Depot.
Then the Deputy minister of Industry, a ministry supposed to push for the interests of our companies, was also found selling beer at the unscrupulous exchange rate.
Nothing says “Second Republic” like acting like Robert Mugabe and his “First Republic”. We congratulate our leaders for such exemplary leadership.