THE nation celebrates with Ignatius Chombo, who can now freely join the national feeding trough in peace.
It was announced this week that all charges against the man had been dropped, seeing as the National Prosecuting Authority had no “sufficient evidence” to try Chombo for silly things like stealing land. The NPA had accused Chombo of allocating himself 125 housing stands and opening a bank account where housing co-operatives deposited money.
Four years after we were told that “criminals surrounding” the country’s former owner were to be jailed, all of them are walking free, except, of course, for one or two unlucky ones that find themselves holed up in their in-laws’ basements.
We are glad that comrades have finally come to their senses, and dropped this charade of arresting people for merely amassing questionable wealth. Since when is giving yourself stands all across the country a crime? Such entrepreneurship is to be applauded.
Five more years
This week, it was announced that the nation deserves five more years of inflation, exchange rate instability, slave wages and general criminal activity.
This was announced by none other than Mthuli Ncube, the government’s purse keeper with an enviable fat budget surplus in an article published in the Chronicle last week.
“Calls for president to get five more years,” the paper declared.
According to Ncube: “When I joined the government in 2018, I was invited by President Emmerson Mnangagwa. In my view, I will say this and for me I speak from the heart, he is the best boss I have ever worked with.”
We commiserate with Ncube for what, surely, sounds like a terrible career path so far.
But why stop at begging the nation for just five years? We all know where this is leading. Let the man finish what he started. Why stop his pursuit of national goals with simple things like constitutional term limits, which can be changed at the stroke of a pen?
Soon, we shall be telling you that removing term limits is what the people want. Who are we to say no to the will of the people?
In case we had all forgotten how long our current owner has ruled us, Monica Mutsvangwa had a timely reminder this week.
“Let’s be united and rally behind President Mnangagwa’s leadership. President Mnangagwa has only been in power for three years,” said Mutsvangwa, addressing bored-looking Zanu PF women’s league members.
We thank Mutsvangwa for the reminder. For some of us, given how he has gone about his business, we were beginning to feel like he has been at it for 90 years.
Muckraker knows at least one person who will be puzzled about all this talk of giving the man more years.
In 2018, Farai, Mnangagwa’s daughter, told the UK Independent that her father was only keen on staying for one term. She said: “He will serve for just one term, but the country is in a very difficult position at the moment, and he is the right man for the job.”
Things we promise our children when it is the wet season and we are yet to taste sweet power.
Zimbabwe has no shortage of organisations linked to our victorious battle against the mighty British.
This week, we heard from the Children of Zimbabwe Liberation War Veterans Association, who begged the nation to give Mnangagwa more years in power.
“There is no better candidate for the 2023 election other than President Emmerson Mnangagwa,” said the association’s chef, one Raymond Chiwara
Now that we have heard what the children of war veterans have to say, we now await more statements of solidarity from other allied organisations; the Landlords of War Veterans, the Former Alleged School Mates of War Veterans, and the former Lovers of Former War Veterans.
Zimbabwe celebrated International Teachers Day by announcing that it was happy to ship annoying teachers to another fellow dictatorship.
After Paul Kagame announced that he wanted Zimbabwean teachers, the man in charge of Zimbabwe’s public service, Paul Mavima, clapped his hands in celebration.
“I’m really glad that the Rwandan president has called on us to provide teachers. We are going to work as quickly as possible,” Mavima said.
One of the teachers’ unions this week came out to complain for nothing; saying teachers’ salaries were now less than half of the Total Consumption Poverty Line (TCPL) due to inflation. The union also complained that their pleas for housing and transport were being ignored. No wonder the government is so eager to get rid of these pesky teachers, who whine for no reason.
Muckraker watched with enthusiasm as Zimbabwe’s delegation to the Rwanda-Zimbabwe business summit fell over each other plying the Rwandan ruler with platitudes.
One should hope their owner at home was not watching. He is not one to countenance people praising other dictators when they have their own at home.
One Zimbabwean official stood up and told Kagame: “There is discipline here in Rwanda.”
To which Kagame, smiling sheepishly as if he is not used to bootlicking, told the fawning Zimbabwean that this was one of the secrets he could share with his Zimbabwean counterparts.
Well, apart from sharing teachers with Kagame, there is much else to share from the man. We are talking important things like making unpatriotic opposition loudmouths disappear for good, or at least shutting them up by having their heads cut off.