This week, the nation was in a celebratory mood as it remembered the day we were given our biggest gift as a people: President Emmerson Mnangagwa.
At State House, his staff members tried to sing “Happy Birthday” for him, but they were so overwhelmed with emotions they barely mumbled through the song with low-energy. We all know being in his glorious presence sucks out all your energy.
Everywhere you looked, there were congratulatory messages from patriots. The Zanu PF youth league even composed a song in his honour, thanking him for roads and other things that are unusual in Zimbabwe.
It is a delight to note that we are slowly getting rid of the silly acts in the first years of his rulership, when his birthday went by with little public noise.
In Zimbabwe, we have a long tradition of national celebrations of our blessed leaders. Next year, no doubt we will have a full all-night gala, a public holiday, and the establishment of the September 15 Movement, just like our old owner. We already have the scarves.
Ahead of his birthday, President Mnangagwa made a speech in honour of health workers.
He said: “Government has been making all efforts to improve the conditions of service for the healthcare workers in order to retain staff and to stabilise the sector. Our thrust has been to ensure that healthcare workers are competitively remunerated; have adequate tools of trade, have decent accommodation and are provided with reliable transport.”
He added that “various strategies have been implemented to motivate and retain healthcare workers”.
Of course, doctors and nurses will have been surprised to know that there have been any efforts to make their lives and work better. In fact, they must have been surprised to learn that our owners know they exist. The doctors they know are Chinese.
It is good to see that the President is just like the rest of us. We all like to spend our birthdays doing the things we love doing the most. In his case, he spent it on his hobby: making empty promises and lies.
After being fired from his post as Vice-President, Kembo Mohadi has had more free time on his hands, which he is using to continue his duties as Vice-President.
The man has barely left his boss’ side since he was, purportedly, sacked for making naughty phone calls. Kembo continues to pop up every time the country’s owner gets an itchy finger and decides to cut a ribbon at one place or another.
Of course, he was not fired as Zanu PF VP, seeing as the old ballys in that party see his actions as a standard badge of honour. So, this week, it was announced that he had finished “a whirlwind tour of the country’s 10 provinces” to campaign for five million votes for Zanu PF.
When he left his post, Mohadi announced that he would now “go through a soul-searching pilgrimage”. It seems he has since traded soul for votes. We can only hope that, in every town where he stopped in his vote-buying pilgrimage, he didn’t call young ladies after their bed time.
Zimbabweans were delighted this week to learn that the economy is booming.
According to Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe’s John Mangudya, the rest of the African continent is looking to Zimbabwe with much envy.
“Zimbabwe’s economy is growing faster than all its peers in the region,” Mangudya said, before rushing off to congratulate himself before anyone could ask him silly questions, like stuff about rising poverty levels and the growing disparity in exchange rates.
Nobody should be asking that. We should just accept that the GDP growth estimates for 2021 are correct. We should spill into the streets and celebrate our impending wealth.
After all, why doubt Mangudya? Is he not the most prayerful, most trustworthy governor in the world? Did he not create a currency as strong as the US dollar overnight? The man is an economic magician.
New parties were launched this week, joining the growing number of parties eager to take part in our growing democracy. Of course, they are also eager to take part in Polad (Political Actors Dialogue), the political equivalent of downtown pyramid schemes.
We heard of the launch of the Divine Alliance for Vitalisation of Inspired Development (David), led by a 44-year-old fashion designer Melbah Dzapasi.
Dzapasi declared: “David party bases its existence on the unchangeable nature of God, who is resilient, transparent, accountable and corrupt-free. It is very important to build a nation on Godly principles and we will base everything on prayer.”
Just in case we did not already have enough parties claiming to have been sent by Heaven to save us.
From those claiming that they hear the “voice of God” to some claiming “God is in it”, we already have a Mthuli-quantity surplus of self-appointed God spokesmen.
According to reports, a group of NGOs has written a long letter to Sadc appealing for them to wag their finger at Mnangagwa.
The 350 organisations have written to Malawian President Lazarus Chakwera, who is current chair of the Sadc burial society, to immediately “order President Emmerson Mnangagwa to end the deteriorating human rights situation in the country”. They also want Chakwera to stop Mnangagwa from “pushing for a one-party state system through banning by-elections under the guise of enforcing Covid-19 safety protocols, and clamping down on vocal opposition parties and NGOs”.
This is what happens when these donor agencies are just looking for ways to justify their paid hours to their sceptical funders.
We are sure that, upon receiving the letter, Chakwera immediately went on the phone to call Mnangagwa and have some strong words with him. Strong words like: “I have heard that you are decimating the opposition and creating a one-party state. Please tell me how you are doing it, so I can do it too.”