HomeAnalysisMoaning about Mugabe and a new train service

Moaning about Mugabe and a new train service

This week, the whole world stood still as it remembered the death of one of the planet’s best ever leaders, Robert Mugabe.

President Emmerson Mnangagwa, in a statement, said he missed his old boss, much like we all miss our old bosses after we kick them in the rear out of office.

According to Mnangagwa, we should all remember Mugabe and emulate his great ways.

“There is no better way to remember him than by recalling to ourselves the values which he stood for and embracing them as our own in order to develop our country in peace and harmony,” Mnangagwa said.

We have no doubt that the man is indeed continuing the great values of his mentor; values such as making sure the country is as miserable as possible.

In the spirit of emulating Mugabe, Muckraker spent the day sleeping all day and being generally useless around the house.

Mourning minions

It was not only Mnangagwa that paid tribute to Mugabe. Bob’s minions were in full mourning, two years on.

“Two years ago, Gushungo you rested. Principled to the end, we cherish the leadership you provided. Freedom, unity, empowerment, education and peace. We shall never forget,” said Saviour Kasukuwere, a man that is known throughout Mashonaland Central for his peace-building ways during elections.

Of course, Western-sponsored detractors and opposition operatives will wonder at which point they had freedom, unity or peace under Mugabe. They must be informed in no uncertain terms that the thousands of people that were killed under his orders, in the 37 years that he owned the country, were just pretending to die. It was all in their heads.

As for “legacy”, anyone who mentions 89,7 sextillion percent inflation, empty shelves and the 100 trillion-dollar note as Mugabe’s biggest legacy, is an apologist and a stooge.

Temba Mliswa

One person who misses Mugabe is Temba Mliswa.

This week, the man moaned, to nobody in particular: “One thing I will always be grateful about former President Mugabe’s time was the empowerment drive and ideals that he had. He allowed and facilitated for many of us to be empowered and have the kind of lives that we have today.”

No doubt, when Temba says Mugabe “allowed many of us to be empowered”, he means to say “Mugabe allowed many of us to show up at a farm and grab it, together with everything in sight, including the farm owner’s car dealership in Karoi”.

Who can forget the words of one Billy Rautenbach, who, after a helicopter ride in which US$100 million in bribes may or may not have been demanded, told us of Mliswa: “We realised that he was not sincere in his approach to business and had extortionist tendencies.”

It’s a matter of different nomenclature; some call it extortionist tendencies, but Mugabe minions call it empowerment.

New train service

It was a busy week for the country this week, as the country jumped from one massive success to the next.

After a public outcry over the lack of transportation, the government, as always, came up with a clever solution. They rolled out trains from the National Railways of Zimbabwe.

“Commuters applaud new train service,” reported the Herald of absolute truth after the trains started moving. No doubt, soon, we will see jingles and songs in praise of the service.

The Chief Commissioner himself might commission a few colonial-era carriages, as soon as they paint over the rust to make them look new. Then we will sing songs of how fast we have been in fulfilling our election promises of an efficient, modern railway system.

That these trains are really a pile of rust on wheels is neither here nor there. Anyone that thinks they deserve better treatment than being forced to travel to work in a rust bucket can go and live elsewhere, if they can find a passport.

Genius solution

After many years of trying to find the solution to low teachers’ salaries, the government finally came up with a wise solution to put an end to all that.

According to Primary and Secondary Education permanent secretary Tumisang Thabela, the solution to low pay among teachers is simple: they should simply borrow money.

“There are one or two provinces that are generally depressed; so those who are supposed not to have enough money or whatever, we are hoping by the end of this week they would have borrowed enough money to go back to work,” she said. You wonder why it took so long to come up with this genius solution.

Teachers are complaining that they earn the equivalent of just over US$100 for their sweat. They say this is not enough to get them to work, let alone to feed their families. One wonders why, with all their education, these teachers do not know their way to banks and loan sharks to borrow the money they need to come to work. They must be investigated.

New York shindig

It has been announced that, for the first time in years, Zimbabwe will not be sending a delegation to the annual shindig in New York, the United Nations General Assembly.

“Considering the continuing Covid-19 global threat, and to allow for the consolidation of reforms and recovery of our economy whose fundamentals are pointing in a positive trajectory, His Excellency the President, Dr ED Mnangagwa, has this year decided not to attend the United Nations General Assembly in person,” it was announced.

The news, of course, was received with widespread shock by those who look forward to the trip, a cash cow of per diems. There was also shock among some of us to see our owner passing up a chance to hop on the nearest plane, one of his favourite hobbies.

However, the biggest shock from the announcement was news that the economy is “pointing in a positive trajectory”.

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