THE campaign to be Hakainde Hichilema’s best friend escalated this week as the new Zambian leader was inaugurated in Lusaka.
The Herald, the newspaper of absolute truth, reported that so eager was Hichilema to speak to our leader, he dropped everything, on his inauguration day, to follow President Emmerson Mnangagwa to his hotel to hear some wise words.
“Soon after the inauguration, President Hichilema followed President Mnangagwa to his hotel where they held a 30-minute closed-door bilateral meeting, focusing on trade and relations between the two countries,” the Herald reported.
That, in fact, the meeting seemed to have taken place in the exact same meeting room that Hichilema was photographed meeting multiple other guests is neither here nor there. Why not?
Clearly our President, seeing the scarcity of hotel rooms in Lusaka, and generous as ever, was happy to lend his room to Hichilema as a venue for meetings.
There is more to celebrate for the people of Zimbabwe.
Apparently, not only are we tied to our northern neighbours by accident of geography, there are also blood relations that were only discovered this week in a phone call.
“The president-elect (Hichilema) phoned me while I was at my farm in Kwekwe inviting me and we discussed so many issues in Tonga. I realised we are related. In fact, his wife, Mutinta Hichilema, and I grew up in the same town of Mumbwa, west of Lusaka,” Mnangagwa told obviously long-suffering journalists in Lusaka.
The man reminds one of those old village chaps that sit down under trees all day, homemade brew between feet, claiming to be related to everyone who passes by in a car.
The nation was also happy to hear the President hailed Zambia for a “peaceful transition”, adding that this must serve as a lesson to Africa. We all know how he himself is our resident expert on peaceful transitions, especially those that involve loaded guns and more than a few army tankers.
Seeing Zanu PF claiming Hichilema, the opposition was not going to be outdone. They reminded everyone that had the patience to listen that Hichilema was their best friend.
“We are going to celebrate in Zambia and also tap into the anointing and make sure that it spreads across Southern Africa,” Nelson Chamisa beamed in a video selfie he took while on a flight to Lusaka. At the inauguration, the sight of Tendai Biti throwing himself into the arms of a visibly surprised Hichilema like a long-abandoned concubine was one for the comic books.
And, of course, it helps that the gormless Zanu PF mouthpieces like George Charamba seemed laughably all at sea, not knowing how to respond calmly to a perfectly normal occurrence next door.
Well done to Zambia for giving Zimbabweans a stage to perform their comedy show.
Also at the inauguration was one Olusegun Obasanjo, preaching democracy and the need for peaceful transitions.
Muckraker spilled his Zumbani tea recalling a passage he once read in a book detailing Obasanjo’s reign as a military ruler in Nigeria.
One day, he decided that he did not like Fela Kuti music. It spoke too much about his repression. So he sent in soldiers to Kuti’s compound, who bashed over 55 people to a pulp and, for good measure, threw Kuti’s mother from the first floor. She died from her injuries a year later.
When the family went to court, they were told, “the king can do no wrong”.
Of course, Obasanjo has now turned over a new leaf. Now he is a darling of big money like the Oppenheimers. That is the sort of decisive leadership the continent must learn from his sort.
It was reported this week that President Mnangagwa is from a royal family of some sort.
According to a tale in the Herald, world leader in credible journalism: “President Mnangagwa said his grandfather, who had been renamed Mubengo, is taught the art of war and rises to deputise Mtshane Khumalo, the great general who annihilates the Allan Wilson company at Pupu.”
We were also taught of events that surrounded the birth of this great man. These are events that are not unlike the birth of other fellow great men, like Jesus Christ.
“The President also said at his birth, his grandfather Mubengo fired three shots into the air from his old gun, something he said was significant to the path he would follow in his adult life.”
At least now we know why the man likes the sound of guns so much.
Kaseke retires finally
It was reported this week that Karikoga Kaseke finally “retired” from a job as the boss of the Zimbabwe Tourism Authority.
In a statement, ZTA said: “Dr Kaseke fell ill in November 2018 and has not been well since then. His retirement followed the recommendations of a medical board and is effective July 1, 2021.”
In 2012, quizzed why the Chinese were being allowed to build that ghastly edifice Longcheng Plaza on a protected wetland, the man actually tasked with protecting the environment said: “So some people wanted us to sacrifice thousands of jobs and forgo these massive investments in order to protect frogs and 23 trees?”
Clearly, the poor man already needed rest. Doing a job that you are obviously not qualified for is always stressful.
According to reports, “artiste and businesswoman” Sandra Ndebele-Sibindi has been appointed Bulawayo’s representative for First Lady Auxillia Mnangagwa’s Young Women for Economic Development.
She said for “young women to make it out there, there is a need for their businesses to have proper structures”.
No doubt, for anyone to succeed in this country, one needs to join “proper structures” like your local Zanu PF structures.
We all know that the party structures are home to all successful, credible and hardworking entrepreneurs, from Henrietta Rushwaya to Philip Chiyangwa.