From unfulfilled poll promises to the ‘Apolo-jersey’ Chipanga

BY MUCKRACKER

This week, the country’s owner announced that his government was fulfilling its electoral promises.

“With action, not words, shall we rebuild Zimbabwe. Since 2018, my government has made huge progress in implementing our promises,” President Emmerson Mnangagwa said.

This must have come as a massive surprise to the masses, who are unaware of these fulfilled promises. Where they are waiting for the 2,2 million jobs promised, more and more are out of work. Where they were promised 1,5 million five-year houses, which would have been an earth-shattering 300 000 houses per year, their houses have been demolished just because they trusted ZanuPF barons.

We can hardly wait for the next promises. We can run out of a lot of things in the country, but we can never run out of false promises.

SA crisis

The nation is watching closely events unfolding in neighbouring South Africa.

For those unaware, here is a brief summary: the old president put together a commission to look into allegations that he was dirty. A lot of things then happened, and he ended up refusing to appear before that commission. So now he is in jail. His supporters are unhappy about the rule of law, so they went about stealing televisions and meat.

Clearly, there is a crisis over there and it is only natural that we send our own delegations to mediate peace. Besides, it is a long tradition of Sadc to send useless delegations when fellow neighbours are in a bind.

We hope ZanuPF sends a delegation there soon. It should be led by Energy Mutodi or Killer Zivhu. If our comrades could send us clowns like Ace Magashule and Lindiwe Zulu, then surely, we should reciprocate with our finest jesters.

George surprised

Zimbabweans are wondering what sort of weak leadership they have down there in South Africa. How does a whole state allow people to go on the streets to scream about poverty in front of the world media without being shot in the back?

George Charamba, our owner’s mouthpiece, was obviously surprised to learn that media in other countries are allowed to cover events.

“No volatile situations are handled in the full glare of the media,” he said in utter, oblivious shock. “Allowing news organisations like eNCA to hire helicopters for running aerial real-time coverage?”

A country where media are allowed to report without censorship? A nation where there is no shutting down of social media? A place where people can run down the streets and be arrested without being shot at 45 degree angles? Our owners must be itching to be invited to set those South Africans straight.

Hassan’s 100 days

Speaking of events in the neighbourhood, Muckraker was recently reading about the first 100 days in office of Samia Suluhu Hassan, who replaced John Magufuli as the owner of Tanzania.

It seems, in her first 100 days, she managed to renegotiate billion-dollar projects, ended her predecessor’s denialism on coronavirus, removed dozens of unnecessary taxes, signed stalled economic agreements with neighbours and generally shamed all the critics that doubted her.

“Within the first 100 days in office, she has revived investors’ confidence and waived nuisance taxes. Investment projects are in the pipeline. All these signify more jobs,” according to Francis Nanai, of Tanzania’s biggest business organisation.

She must be stopped before unpatriotic people in other countries start asking silly questions, like wondering if this is what a real “New Dispensation” actually looks like.

Corruption curricula

It was announced this week that children in in schools will now be taught about the hazards of corruption.

According the world renowned anti-corruption newspaper, the Herald: “To win the anti-corruption war, Zimbabweans must be empowered to hold office bearers both in the public and private sector to account, while plans are afoot to introduce anti-corruption curricula from ECD to tertiary education,” President Mnangagwa has said.

The President himself ,known far and wide around the world for his fight against corruption, said: “These (steps against corruption) should include systems and compliance checks, the introduction of curricula on corruption, ethics and integrity in schools from ECD level right up to universities.”

We wonder whether the comrades at Shake Shake HQ will also sit in those lessons. Heaven knows they are the ones that are experts in the field.

Anyway, there is lots of material to work with. Kids will be taught about the Ziscosteel Blast Furnace Scandal, the Air Zimbabwe Fokker Plane Scandal, the Willowgate Scandal, the War Victims Compensation Scandal, the Chiadzwa Diamond Scandals, and all other scandals that make us one of the world’s foremost experts on the subject.

Prodigal sons

This week, the moribund Zanu PF has welcomed back its prodigal sons and daughters back into the fold.

Among those who bounced back are former Zanu PF deputy secretary for youth affairs Kudzai Chipanga.

As the country readies for the 2023 harmonised elections, the country’s owner could surely put Chipanga to good use given his ability to grovel to the point of absurdity. Who can forget Chipanga’s effusive praise of the former owner of the country, the late Robert Mugabe.

“Many will be shocked on judgment day when they see President Mugabe adjudicating who is supposed to get in or go to hell,” Chipanga said at one rally which must have embarrassed even Mugabe himself.

He even made the ridiculous promise to the then country’s owner that if he died, the party would hold the party’s politburo meeting at the Heroes’ Acre.

Now brought back from the political wilderness and looking to ingratiate himself to Mnangagwa, one shudders to imagine the lengths he will go in the bootlicking stakes.