THIS week, comrades all around the world joined the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) in celebrating a hundred years of existence. Zimbabwe, naturally, was not to be left behind in the festivities.
Zanu PF leadership took time off their busy schedule of ruining the country to gather at Shake Shake Building for screenings of the CCP’s birthday celebrations on big screens. Afterwards, it was announced that Zanu PF intended to follow China’s example.
“In this regard, our party draws lessons and inspiration from the successes achieved by the CPC. We applaud how the CPC has turned around the fortunes of China to be a global leader in a vast number of socio-economic spheres,” President Emmerson Mnangagwa said.
This news was met with both joy and terror. Joy because if Zanu PF copies Chinese methods of controlling power, everyone at Shake Shake would be happy. But there was terror because if Zimbabwe copies China’s method of executing corrupt people, nobody would be left alive in that building.
Sitting in their chairs and listening to the Chinese, our owners would have been shocked to hear some very crazy information.
Muckraker was reading recently that since it started reforms in the 1970s, China has raised over 770 million poor people from poverty.
Of course, our leaders will ask how the Chinese did this. They will be told: “We did this by resisting the temptation to steal from the poor”.
Obviously, our owners will stop asking such questions at that point.
Meanwhile, in Zimbabwe, the number of extreme poor has risen from three million in 2011 to 7,9 million in 2020. Of course, seeing as the revolutionary Zanu PF is a party of the poor, it is happy to create more and more poor people.
Across the country this week, there were massive celebrations after it was announced that Zimbabweans would soon have a new note, the ZW$50 note.
The best part of the news was that the new note carries an image of Mbuya Nehanda. What better way of making sure our money has value than dedicating it to the spirits of the land? You think it is a coincidence that, not long after Nehanda’s statue went up near the Reserve Bank, she now has her own money?
This is all part of our strategy as a country to draw from her power to revive the economy. Watch as our currency gains value and these unruly elements in the city start demanding Nehanda money and rejecting the currency of imperialist America.
You thought Nehanda said “my bones will rise again”? She was misquoted. She actually meant to say “my bonds”.
In the country’s continuing drive against corruption, it was announced by the Zimbabwe Anti-corruption Commission this week that a man had been arrested for circumventing car import regulations.
“Zacc has arrested a Ministry of Industry and Commerce Licence Clerk Andrew Matevere for issuing out 350 motor vehicle import licences to importers of second hand that did not qualify under the recently gazetted SI89 of 2021,” Zacc announced.
Since it is no longer legal to import old cars without a special licence, one needs to go to some government office to seek a permit. You can easily see why the law was made. It is the type of law favoured in the country; one that creates as much nuisance for the public, and as much profit for those in charge.
Poor Matevere appears to be the unlucky one. If the low-level clerk made money off 350 permits, one can imagine how much his bosses made.
Speaking of corruption, jealous people all around the country were this week frothing at the mouth after it was reported that a leading businessman now owns much of the country.
According to a report by an American group, which obviously has nothing else to do other than poke its nose in the business of small countries in exotic areas of the world, one Kuda Tagwirei is so powerful that he makes direct calls to senior people and gets what he wants.
Among those things he got, according to that report, are a number of mines. This news got a lot of people angry.
The MDC Alliance, whose entire economic policy is tweeting, naturally tweeted to say they wanted the man arrested.
Surely, if Americans and their local acolytes tell foreign investors to stay away, what do they expect us to do? They expect us to let our minerals just lie idle underground while we wait for your favourite countries to ring a bell and authorise multinational companies to invest here?
No. We will give our own people these mines and you whiners can go report the theft at your nearest police station.
Over in Zambia, our usually boring northern neighbours, things were quite interesting this week.
After the death of Kenneth Kaunda, there was a bit of a quarrel between the man’s family and the government.
The family wants him buried next to his wife, but the government wants him at Embassy Park, the equivalent of Zimbabwe’s Heroes Acre.
Kaunda’s children went to court to declare “null and void” the government’s plan.
So, not only do we share a waterfall, we also share a love for macabre nonsense. Who can blame that gormless British diplomat for Africa, James Duddridge, who confused Zimbabwe with Zambia in his speech at the Kaunda funeral?
Isn’t it always heart-warming to go through the weekly reports from our Cabinet, in which we are updated on the progress that the country is making in terms of infrastructure?
This week, the nation must have been delighted to see this entry: “The Minister of Local Government and Public Works, July Moyo told Cabinet that the glazing, flooring and painting of the classroom block at Vira Secondary School in Guruve, Mashonaland Central was completed.”
At this rate of large-scale infrastructure development, we will reach upper middle-class status before 2023.
No wonder the opposition is in disarray. The masses are seeing massive progress all around the country and no longer need any such noise.
Smooth road to jail
Speaking of infrastructure, Muckraker was over the moon after driving past the site of world-class road construction somewhere in Harare. The government has recently built and commissioned a key road: the one leading to Chikurubi Prison.
There is a very proud sign there, in which the Ministry of Transport and Infrastructure Development crows about this momentous gift to the nation. This road will be the envy of many, still having to navigate potholes and gullies.
They should wait for their turn. Right now, the nation is focused on making sure that prisoners, including those arrested for selling out the country, have a smooth ride to jail.