THE nation was this week left in a big puzzle, wondering as to which owner to listen to.
First, it was announced that the country’s owner had allowed musicians to go perform, as long as they did so in front of 50 people or less. While musicians were still gyrating, celebrating and thanking the Heavens for giving us such a benevolent owner, it was then announced that all gatherings had been banned.
“These gatherings include, but are not limited to weddings, church gatherings, music festivals and sports activities,” said the country’s deputy owner, Constantino Chiwenga.
Unpatriotic observers were quick to suggest that, to avoid such embarrassment in future, it would be wiser for our owners to spend more time talking to each other, than they do entertaining the various clowns.
This week, nutty prophet Passion Java posted a video of himself with the President.
“Kings are ordained by God,” the man said. “If you find yourself going against what God has ordained, then you are possessed by a demon.”
The President himself said: “There is no nation without its leadership”.
This will come as a shock to many people in the country, a land known to have had no sensible leadership for about 100 years. The current purported leader, in fact, spends less time speaking to business executives and ordinary people than he does lounging on sofas with clowns wearing leftover curtains.
Truly in a fix
Millions of people across the country were glued to TV screens at the weekend to hear President Emmerson Mnangagwa deliver a State of the Nation Address. We all know how inspirational the man is.
He spoke about all his major successes since coming to power.
“We see a once broken economy showing all the fundamental indicators that it is on the road to being well and truly fixed,” he said.
Of course, while the country is on the road to be well and truly fixed, the roads themselves have not yet been well and truly fixed.
He carried on: “There is much excitement in the international business community surrounding the potential of Zimbabwe’s human capital.”
No doubt that this excitement among “international business community” is only because the “human capital” has fled the country and gone to work for them for free.
“In just three years, we now see hope and progress,” he said. That’s a surprise. Nobody else in Zimbabwe seems to have seen hope and progress. We are sure, of course, that he might have been referring to two people called Hope and Progress.
Speaking of economic progress, news of Zimbabwe’s booming economy has spread far and wide across the globe.
We thank Mthuli Ncube, the country’s finest ever Finance minister, for making sure we never miss any of the good news published about the miracles that he is performing here. News of his surplus has reached America.
A few days ago, Ncube posted an article in the Illinois News — no doubt a world renowned newspaper — about his budget surplus. We are sure; soon, we will be reading about his exploits in other leading newspapers, from the Seskatoon Phoenix to the N’Djamena al-Djadida in Chad.
Let the whole world know about this genius economist who has turned around an economy, without anybody even noticing it.
There are widespread celebrations on the streets after Henrietta Rushwaya, famous bag carrier and lover of shiny metals, was elected back to her rightful post at the Zimbabwe Miners Federation.
Who better to lead a band of gold diggers, than a renowned chief gold digger?
Let bygones be bygones, Henrietta said, in a message to some in the organisation who had dared to try to remove her from office, for the minor little alleged offence of merely forgetting to empty her handbag at the airport. Why anyone would think carrying an unusually heavy bag past customs officials pretending to sleep is a crime, is a real wonder.
Said Sister Henrietta, quoting the Good Book, no less: “The Bible tells us that to everything there is a season — a time to build, a time to reap, a time to sow.”
There is, of course, also a time to reap where you did not sow.
It was reported over the past week that South Africa had expelled dozens of naughty African diplomats.
According to the South African government, the “action followed an investigation that found the diplomats had been buying duty-free alcohol with cash and then reselling it to retailers”. Among those chased away where diplomats from Malawi and Lesotho.
It has been a disappointing story so far, and especially because some of us feel let down by Zimbabwean diplomats. How did they miss out on such an easy scam?
Diplomats should represent our cultural values when they go abroad. We all know pilfering is a national tradition. South African officials should relook their list and advise.
It was a delight to see the launch of War Veterans Investment Corporation, which, we were informed, is the holding company of an investment company wholly owned by war veterans.
The company, it was said, would be meant “to generate inflows” for the war veterans. They already have a milling company, mining claims, tourism, property, and even a fishery licence.
An investment company for war veterans? What a bright, fresh idea. Except that some of us are old enough to remember a company called Zexcom. In 1998, amid similar pomp and fanfare, thousands of war veterans poured their gratuities into the company. They were told it would come back four-fold.
But by 2001, the company had collapsed. Naturally, some comrades had decided to reward themselves earlier than others. We are sure some comrades are waiting to do it all over again.