HomeOpinionScrambling for scissors in comic ribbon-cutting race

Scrambling for scissors in comic ribbon-cutting race


TIRED of seeing the Ribbon Cutter-in-Chief getting all the attention, the country’s vice-owner decided this week to go and do some ribbon cutting of his own. He decided to open a hospital that already exists.

The Deputy Ribbon Cutter-in-Chief went off to St Anne’s Hospital, where he dutifully wielded his scissors, the most sought after instrument in the Zimbabwe government at the moment.

“Government commits to work with private players,” reported the Herald, the world-renowned purveyor of credible news.

Of course, these “private players” do not include the likes of one Fred Mutanda.

The businessman says the hospital was grabbed from him. Clearly, this Mutanda fellow needs to be reminded of who owns this land. After all his years fighting for the country, how come he did not learn to eat in silence like the others?

Now they want to grab Mutanda’s farm. Serves him right! How can he commit the treasonous act of going to court to tell Chief Justice Luke Malaba to go spend his remaining days doing something more productive than wearing a wig all day?


Speaking of the country’s health delivery system, there is no doubt that it is in good hands. When Mthuli Ncube said we have a world-class system, some unpatriotic oafs doubted him. Now they have been shamed.

It was announced this week that the country will buy 100 new ambulances.

Now, even as the nation celebrates this major milestone, we will hear some idle minds start to ask silly questions.

For instance, some will point out the pointless point that, in 2019, the same Mthuli announced that he had bought 100 ambulances.

In August 2019, he said: “In this regard, an amount of ZW$68 million in additional funding is proposed to complete the procurement process that targets acquisition of 100 fully equipped ambulances.”

He was not done. A full year later, on July 17, 2020, it was again reported: “Government is finalising the acquisition of 100 ambulances to improve service delivery at public health institutions.”

Now, in 2021, it has been again reported: “Government has procured a fleet of 100 new fully equipped ambulances that are set to be deployed to healthcare facilities throughout the country.”

The nation waits for 2022 for the next National Annual Invisible Ambulance Announcement.

Defection rewards

The nation is in the grip of celebrations after it was announced that Lilian Timveos, who defected from the MDC-Alliance amid much pomp and fanfare, has been appointed to the board of Petrotrade.

For those wondering what Petrotrade does, wonder no more; nobody in government knows either.

Firstly, we were told that Petrotrade was to be sold under the privatisation drive because it was no longer needed. Now, it has been discovered it can, in fact, be put to good use; a reward for people who defect from useless puppet parties.

Timveos is a fresh graduate of the Chitepo School of Ideology, where Zanu PF sends people to learn lessons on what is required for Zanu PF leadership. Among the lessons are voluminous modules such as How to Loot Parastatals 101 and so forth.

And then you hear detractors saying President Emmerson Mnangagwa does not reward qualified talent.


While Timveos has already graduated to the feeding trough, another defector, Blessing Chebundo, is still making his way through apprenticeship.

As part of the induction into Zanu PF, one is required to show that he has lost all sense of shame. In an interview with The Herald this week, Chebundo made a good case for himself.

He complained that he left MDC-Alliance because the evil people there were talking about “renewing the party”.

What a terrible thing to talk about. No doubt Chebundo ran to Zanu PF, where things like “leadership renewal” are blasphemous.

According to Chebundo, he was angry with Nelson Chamisa for describing the party old guard as “falling dry leaves that have to be replaced with fresh new ones.”

Asked what he does for a living, Chebundo said: “I am into some small business.”

In other words, the man is jobless. No need to worry, Cde Chebundo. By taking leave of all your senses, you have shown that you qualify for leadership. We will soon find you a nice parastatal board to feed from.

Free publicity

Over in East Africa, Jonathan Moyo could barely believe his luck after receiving unexpected publicity for his book on elections.

It has been a year of trying to take more people outside his circle of minions to take his book seriously. There have been seminars, tweets and generous articles to ratchet up interest. Still, it remained little more than a glorified tutorial pamphlet on Excel spreadsheets.

Enter the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec). From the blue, Zec tweeted angrily: “We have seen some damaging allegations against the Commission in a book called Excelgate by Prof. J Moyo. Take note that the election was conducted in 2018 and aggrieved parties followed the constitutionally laid down procedures to challenge the election”.

The man must have woken up his in-laws with howls of celebration. What better advert for the book could a writer ask for? Now those who have ignored his musings for over a year may be curious enough to want to read these “damaging allegations”.

Surely Zec needs to send him an invoice for the free publicity they gave the exiled chap. We join the Professor in thanking Mnangagwa for ensuring that Zec is stuffed to the brim with such incompetence. How else would fellow book lovers among us have known about the book?

Civilian-clad junta

In Nigeria, Twitter decided that a post by the country’s ruler, Muhammadu Buhari, in which he promised to rain violence on a region of the country, deserved to be removed.

This made his minions angry, obviously. So they decided; if we can’t use Twitter the way we want, then nobody else should use it. So they banned the service.

Nobody was allowed to tweet. Broadcasters were told to deactivate their accounts. This is the sort of decisive leadership we want to see. Why should we have platforms where people talk back at us? We prefer that only our voices be heard.

The Nigerian povo better not be fooled by Buhari’s traditional “agbada” costume. Inside is still his old military uniform. As they say in Nigeria, “You can never know when a chicken sweats because of their feathers”. As a nation, we can be certain that our own leadership, under the feathers, is watching closely the events with much admiration.

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