The nation roared in massive celebrations this week after it was announced that a statue that will end all the country’s problems has been unveiled.
According to the Herald, the country’s most trusted news source: “Immortalised through bronze, for future generations to gourd from history, the magnificent yet serene statue of Mbuya Nehanda stands tall like a guardian angel caring for the sons and daughters of Zimbabwe as they go about their business in Harare.”
This is great news. From her vantage point, she will, obviously, be able to look down at “her sons and daughters” stuck in queues, wading through rubbish, and receiving the occasional beating from police in a way that will remind her of her nemesis, the cruel native commissioner Henry Pollard.
Magical Mbuya Nehanda
We thank the country’s President, the Commissioner-in-Chief, for commissioning yet another massive project.
Now that the Mbuya Nehanda statue has been erected, every trouble will now end. Prices will go down, civil servants will get good pay, and we will soon be having to beat investors with a stick to keep them away.
Her presence alone, next to the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe, is strategic; she will be able to magically replenish our foreign currency reserves, which were last seen sprouting wings and flying off into the horizon many years ago.
With Nehanda in the middle of town, the Commissioner-in-Chief can now finally fulfil his promise of delivering “jobs, jobs, jobs” to the masses. Well, at least not until Britain repatriates her head. Only then can the economy grow.
It was a good week for our traditional chiefs. The nation applauded as 18 new cars were given to chiefs.
We cannot have chiefs being seen “flagging for a lift”, President Emmerson Mnangagwa told them. As a result, the government had seen it fit to divert resources from useless things like schools and clinics, in order to preserve chiefs’ pride.
Our leader told them: “We have got our own cultures whose custodians are traditional leaders.”
True. As a nation, our culture is to buy expensive cars, while hospitals go without painkillers. It is good to see our chiefs strongly protecting this long cherished tradition.
One of the reasons given for doling out brand new cars to chiefs was that it is meant to preserve their dignity as community leaders.
“After presiding over his or her traditional court, a traditional leader starts looking for a lift. It does not do good to his dignity,” the President said.
Yes, what “does good to the dignity” of chiefs are things like, among other things, ordering the removal of long-buried bones, and stuff of that sort. Currently, the country’s most dignified chief must be Stanley Wurayayi, also known as Chief Zvimba. For weeks now, he has been in the news trying to dig up some bones somewhere at Kutama Mission. He also desperately wants the dead guy’s clothes.
Clearly this is one chief having personal financial problems. We hope they give him two more cars.
There was much confusion in the country when it was announced that Zimbabwe had received a donation of food from next door.
South Africa’s Minister of International Relations and Cooperation, Naledi Pandor, arrived in the country to hand over 272 tonnes of maize meal. The donation is for victims of the 2019 Cyclone Idai victims.
It is always good to hear that, while we spend money on statues and cars, our neighbours are feeding people still living in tents two years after the disaster.
That’s what you call a good neighbour. Feed the neighbour’s kids while the daddy is away on a drinking spree.
It was good seeing Cde Kembo Mohadi among the dignitaries at the Nehanda unveiling. He was never going to miss such a momentous occasion.
Of course, some unpatriotic louts asked why the man was there, when he was fired months ago from his post as the vice-president.
Well, shame on you, Kembo may no longer be the State VP, but he is still “Vice-President and deputy secretary” of Zanu PF.
To explain this to people with a poor grasp of Zimbabwean politics; while his conduct was bad enough for him to lose his post in government, it is not bad enough for him to lose his post in Zanu PF. What’s wrong with a few late-night raunchy calls to young women? What’s so wrong about a bit of office romance with a junior? After all, did the last Zanu PF owner not marry one of those?
Some people were, of course, keen to hear what the country’s opposition parties would say about the latest national event.
There was nothing from the country’s official opposition, the Douglas Mwonzora’s Opposition that Does Not Oppose. No shocks there. Mwonzora, the party’s only member, was in South Africa enjoying Parliamentary allowances.
And then there was the MDC-Alliance. First, the leader sent out a vague Bible verse about “destroying their altars”. And then the party’s spokesperson urged people to tweet a hashtag to Nehanda. She then reminded everyone that Nehanda was not Zanu PF.
No lies there. But, with endless hashtags and Bible verses, it’s unlikely that Charwe would have been an MDC-Alliance member either.
According to Webster Shamu, the industries in Bulawayo are “now on the mend”. The man made the conclusion as he and other obviously idle MPs were touring empty factories in the city last week.
“I urge other companies such as the Cold Storage Company to invite the parliamentary portfolio committee to visit it so that it can write a comprehensive report about the state of industries so that it is presented before Parliament,” he said.
We all know that the CSC is the paragon of business excellence. Unpatriotic people will try to remind us that this is a company we were told would be up and running — three years ago. But people should learn to be patient. It takes a long time to revive something, especially if you are the one that killed it.
Anyway, it is good to see that Shamu, during his forced hiatus from politics, has graduated from professional bootlicker to blind economist.