HomeColumnistsGatecrasher made to believe is part of the lavish banquet

Gatecrasher made to believe is part of the lavish banquet

Critics were shamed this week when it was announced that Zimbabwe will be part of the good-looking Kazungula bridge between Zambia and Botswana.

MUCKRAKER

All week, idle noise makers had been mocking their country for being left out of the project.

But, speaking at the official opening of the bridge, Botswana’s President Mogkweetsi Masisi shamed them all, declaring: “I am happy to note that the Republic of Zimbabwe, ourselves, and Zambia have agreed in principle to partner in this project.”

This reminds Muckraker of the time when the local elderly drunkard would occasionally gatecrash a party in the local neighbourhood. Nobody would chase them away, out of respect. But someone would be assigned to give them a bottle of the warmest beer available, just to keep them quiet while normal people carry on with the party.

Every neighbourhood has that drunk uncle.

History-making

Still on matters to do with that anti-Zimbabwe bridge, the nation still has to be reminded just why that bridge bypassed Zimbabwe to start with.

In 2014, when he was asked about the bridge, Obedient Mpofu told the world that it would never happen: “If they want to build a bridge on that piece of land, Zimbabwe has to be involved.”

Today, Zimbabwean officials are scrambling to be involved. Many are, obviously, shocked to see a completed project, having never completed any in their lifetimes.

We can neither deny nor confirm reports that our Ribbon Cutter-in-Chief tried to wrestle the ribbon-cutting scissors from Masisi and Edgar Lungu.

However, we celebrate news that Zimbabwe has made history as the first country to own a bridge that is in another country.

State House marvel

The nation will be pleased to be informed that there is significant progress on one of the largest infrastructure projects in the country, the new state-of-the-art gate at State House.

It is a marvel for anyone driving past. There is no doubt that, soon, it will be an international tourist attraction, as people come to gather and stare at our gates, wondering whether these are the gates of hell or what.

And then you hear people say the government is lying when it says it has embarked on massive infrastructural projects that will benefit the masses. Prepare ribbons, a tent, and all those bedsheets they use for décor. Another official opening is in the offing.

Musevenics

It was heart-warming seeing President Emmerson Mnangagwa joining other heads of state in Kampala for the inauguration of the new President in Uganda.

In a show of democracy, Yoweri Kaguta Museveni has just taken over power from Yoweri Kaguta Museveni. We are sure that this is the sort of peaceful transfer of power Mnangagwa hopes to learn from.

Museveni, of course, was elected largely due to his experience. In fact, did you know, when Museveni came to power in 1986, his main opponent, Bobi Wine, was just four years old. Why should we allow children to lead whole countries when the elders are there?

Five years ago, asked when he would step down, he retorted: “How can I go out of a banana plantation I have planted that has started bearing fruits?”

Running a country as if one is running a family plantation is exactly what is expected of a leader of an average banana republic.

Farewells and welcomes

After staying home for much of last year because the world was busy trying to fight the pandemic, the country’s current owner is once again back doing what he loves best — raking up the air miles.

The man could not wait to leave the country. What leader would you be if you stayed in your own country? How do your minions know you are in charge if you don’t drag them to the airport to greet you as you leave, and greet you as you return? We are a new dispensation, but there are traditions that are sacred.

We now need a new government department, the Department of Presidential Airport Farewells and Welcomes. It will be the busiest department in the government.

Fossil obsession

According to reports, some bored headman in Zvimba has summoned the wife of the country’s deceased previous owner to explain why she buried her husband in his own house, as he apparently wished.

The summons ordered her: “You are therefore being ordered to surrender all his belongings to his clan in Zvimba.”

We hope she won’t try to include the whole country on the list of his belongings, seeing as he was convinced he owned it.

It was a delight seeing one of Africa’s most literate countries, beset by many problems, obsessing over a prehistoric fossil in Zvimba. And they said Grace Mugabe was lying when she said he would rule from the grave.

Dress code

The Information Secretary was breathing fire this week after Mike Chimombe, the leader of the Affirmative Action Group (AAG), went to see the president dressed like a struggling DJ at the Asina Hembe Beerhall.

People should dress properly, and be serious, when they go to see the President, Mangwana fumed.The Information Secretary was breathing fire this week after Mike Chimombe, the leader of the Affirmative Action Group (AAG), went to see the president dressed like a struggling DJ at the Asina Hembe Beerhall.

“Look guys, there is a certain kind of dressing which you just can’t do when you are going to meet the Head of State and President of your country. That’s just disrespectful to both the man and the office,” Mangwana warned on Twitter.

The AAG itself will be shocked to hear that their members are expected to act like serious people.

As for State House, it has hosted so many fake pastors, prayer vigils and fashion shows that even the President himself must have been surprised to hear that anyone still takes State House seriously.

Abundant fuel

The government finally found the reason why there is so much congestion in Harare roads; there’s too much fuel.

According to the government: “The increased availability of fuel on the local market, and increased economic activity, has seen the number of cars on our roads increase and this has resulted in vehicle traffic congestion.”

Next thing, we will be told that the reason why there are no jobs for everyone is because too many of our kids are passing school exams. Expect the City of Harare to follow suit and blame full stomachs for sewage bursts.

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