New constitution: Now we can expect overflow of milk, honey

BY MUCKRAKER

Now that the constitution has been changed, Zimbabweans are preparing for a massive overflow of milk and honey.

This week, Zanu PF senators, with support from The Opposition that Does Not Oppose, voted to amend the constitution.

“It is a historic occasion,” said Ziyambi Ziyambi, the Justice minister whose renowned incompetence is as double-thick as his name.

Now that he has all the power, wait and see as President Emmerson Mnangagwa finally delivers the country to greater prosperity. All along, it was the constitution that was holding him back. Surely, how can a leader lead us to a middle-income country by 2030 if he has to deal with all that noise?

These amendments will make sure that the country’s owner rules the nation without being disturbed by useless things; stuff like having to appoint judges that he does not like, or having to deal with a Vice-President who is just as impatient as he was.

What recovery

Last weekend, the President appeared on national television to thank the country’s multitude of workers for helping the economy recover.

“The nascent economic rebound being witnessed in Zimbabwe,” was due to workers, the national Sunday rag reported.

“We owe this remarkable growth to the dedicated, hard and honest work of all our workers across sectors,” our current landlord was quoted as saying.

Asked to comment on the praises from their owner, thanking them for the economic boom, workers were shocked to hear that the economy was recovering.

New bridge

In a few days, Zambia and Botswana will open the new Kasane Bridge at Kazungula, which Zimbabwe was bitterly opposed to.

When Zambia and Botswana first told the neighbours that they are building a bridge, our previous owner, Robert Mugabe, was livid. Of course, he and Ian Khama did not like each other much, so any talks to resolve the issue never worked.

In the end, the bridge had to be redesigned to avoid the region’s black sheep. When the current owner came to power, he tried to fix things and get us involved, but the party had already started without us.

Of course, the Ribbon Cutter-in-Chief will be there to attend the bridge opening, invitation or not.

Whatever the case, we are fully aware that this bridge opening is Western-sponsored plot to embarrass us. They can keep their bridge. So, we will open our own Nehanda footbridge.

They will all be sorry.

Prophesying clown

There was surprising anger this week in some circles after the appointment of a prophesying clown to the leadership of a purported business organisation, the Affirmative Action Group (AAG).

Passion Java, whose stock-in-trade is wearing colourful circus trousers and speaking in comical tongues, was appointed vice-president of the AAG. Then we heard people making noise, asking why the AAG would do something like that if it wants to be taken seriously as a business group. They asked questions like, “what business does he really do?”

What is the problem? When did AAG ever say they want to be taken seriously? Muckraker is white-haired enough to know that Java actually has the exact CV to lead this lot. Every leader of the AAG, since it was formed in 1994, has had the same qualifications.
Firstly, they must be a clown. Second, their actual source of income must be a mystery. How then is Java a misfit?

Grieving over youths

Many political pundits were beside themselves with grief as they watched dozens of youths chase after Java and his entourage as he made his national tour at the weekend.

“These youths should instead be mobilising each other to vote out the government,” they screamed all week.

Well, if the opposition is so envious of Zanu PF’s pulling power, maybe they should also find their own clown. It is not like there is a shortage of clownery among their ranks. Did we not see Charlton Hwende purporting to donate vegetable seedlings to a rural village the other day? He looks like a good fit for the role.

Poor Ngarivhume

This week, the country’s owners refused activist Jacob Ngarivhume permission to clean up a dirty area of Mbare. According to a letter from police, they had no problem with him cleaning up, they just didn’t want him making it political by putting up his silly banners and all that.

Poor Ngarivhume must be grateful for all this free publicity. His previous recent attempts, from raiding schools to urging people to telephone foreign embassies, went largely ignored. But as soon as he tried to pick up some rubbish, the country’s owners immediately took notice.

But, nobody should be surprised by all this. Zanu PF has spent 41 years fighting anyone who tried to clean up their mess. Pigs, generally, get angry when you clean the pigsty.

Cross’ trials

Spare a thought for Eddie Cross. He has spent over three years now, trying to turn dung into gold dust, with no takers.

His latest attempt was on a South African television station, saying things were going great in Zimbabwe. As part of the evidence that he presented, he said thousands of the grandchildren of displaced white former farmers were back on the land. What a measure of progress. Then he, of course, said all the talk of human rights abuses was all imagined.

“In the last few years, we have had five alleged abductions and at least four of those were staged by CSOs (civil society organisations) to get the world’s attention,” said Cross.

We believe you, Eddie. Who can forget the time, in 2016, when Cross told the world that Mugabe had suffered a stroke on a flight from Dubai? You can always trust Mr Cross for credible information.

Toilet matters

The massive infrastructure projects taking place in the country are simply a delight. One day we are opening a massive one-way bridge in Karanda, the next moment cabinet is discussing a new toilet flushing system, called “Eaziflush”.

According to the cabinet this week: “The technology uses two litres of water per flush, compared to the seven to nine litres used by the conventional system.”

It is always good to know that our government is always considering the latest cutting-edge technology to make our lives easier. The nation waits in anticipation for the ribbon-cutting ceremony at the toilet.