An awe-inspiring lecture from a corruptionist to unstable Mwonzora

BY MUCKRAKER

Members of the Senate cheered in awe this week as they received a quality lecture on corruption from one of the country’s renowned experts in the field.
Prisca Mupfumira, the former minister who may or may not have swindled pensioners, stood in the Upper House of parliament and spoke out against corruption. It is always important to listen when experts talk.

“You hear that people have been arrested because of corruption, but later you hear that they are released,” said Mupfumira, who was arrested because of corruption, but later released.
Corruption is a disease, a cancer or a pandemic that has spread the world over, she added. Well, madam, if corruption is indeed a disease, for you we can only say, “Get well soon”.

No work, no pay

At the weekly cabinet briefing this week, the Minister of Information, Monica Mutsvangwa, yet again issued a warning to those unpatriotic teachers who are demanding useless things like a living wage. They were told, in no uncertain terms, that they would not be paid for not working.

“Government reiterates that it will strictly apply the no-work no-pay labour principle to all cases of teacher absenteeism, and the responsible ministry has compiled and submitted a list of teachers that did not conduct lessons in March to the Public Service Commission,” said Mutsvangwa.

Civil servants will be shocked at news that it is now illegal to be paid for not doing any work in government. Since when? Surely, teachers are just imitating their well-paid bosses who get paid for not doing any visible work.

Idle ministers

Speaking of idle ministers, Muckraker fell off his stool while watching a news report in which Kazembe Kazembe, the Minister of Home Affairs, ranted at corruption at departments under his administration.

“The corruption associated with departments under his ministry and alleged rot at passport offices nationwide should be decisively dealt with,” the report said.
Of course, unpatriotic simpletons would point out what seems obvious; make passports easily available, and corruption there would stop. But then, if there is orderliness, how would comrades eat? If, suddenly, borders were efficient, who would then need to call the chef to pay him and get their illegal goods through customs?

Muckraker was reminded of a quote by Mahathir Mohamed: “That is their system. It is not corruption at all.” These are things some simpletons need to understand before criticising for no reason.

Library

The nation will be delighted at news that a library is to be built in the country.
According to the Herald, the country’s most reliable source of news: “The Ministry of Primary and Secondary Education has unveiled plans to construct a library near the Museum of African Liberation site, which will be named after President Emmerson Mnangagwa.”

According to the report, the library will detail the “visionary leadership of President Emmerson Mnangagwa”, which apparently has seen “the country recording success stories in various areas that include legal, infrastructural development, agriculture, mining, international relations and education”.

Muckraker fears that, if this library is indeed meant to record his successes, it may end up being recorded in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s tiniest library.

Obedient son

It was reported this week that Zanu PF is inundated with requests for defections from other smaller parties. At Jongwe Building, Obert Mpofu is having to hold crisis meetings to decide what to do with the crowds gathered outside the gates, baying to be allowed to enter.

“In no time, you will be shocked with the numbers of many who will come to the altar of the revolution,” Mpofu said.

Mpofu warned all these people that, to join, they would need to display loyalty. Strong advice, coming from the man who was “Obedient Son” one day, but switched fathers overnight with no struggle.

2023 votes

Still at Shake Shake Building, it was announced that the party is targeting to win the 2023 elections by a margin of five million votes.

It is disappointing to see that the party has lowered its ambitions so much.
Every right-thinking Zimbabwean knows that everyone in the country is ready to vote for the revolutionary party. Why target a mere five million when you can declare that 16 million people have voted for the party, even if registered voters are just 5,6 million?
Who would complain at such a humping victory? Where would they go to complain? Surely, the party needs to aim higher.

Qualifications

It was reported this week that Deputy Information Minister, Kindness Paradza, has ordered the local Cottco depot to employ party youths, even if they do not have the necessary qualifications for the jobs there.

“We agreed that at all cotton depots in Makonde, they (Cottco) will take children from Makonde. They had put a pre-requisite of five ‘O’ Levels and I said where do five ‘O’ Levels (holders) come from in Makonde,” he told Zanu PF supporters.

Of course, some people have been kicking up dust over this, saying this is how a lot of companies have been destroyed. But only visionless Western puppets could see anything wrong with such empowerment initiatives.

Besides, surely, why should a mere company like Cottco demand qualifications for hiring people, when there are people leading the country without ever showing their qualifications for the job?

Unstable Mwonzora

The economy is more stable under the current owners, and violence has also lessened in the New Dispensation. This was revealed by Douglas Mwonzora, leader of the Opposition that does not Oppose, in an interview with journalist Ruvheneko Parirenyatwa this week.

“The economy is bad, but stable,” Mwonzora said.

The revelation brought millions of celebrating Zimbabweans into the streets, expecting to see economic stability and peace. They found that unemployment was still high, the roads had disappeared, taxes were still being looted and there were still no painkillers in the hospitals.
Even the economy itself was shocked to hear that it was stable.