Congratulatory messages are flowing in from all around the world after President Emmerson Mnangagwa gifted himself with an Independence Day present; a brand new helicopter.
The last one was getting too old, having been overused by the previous owner. The masses were beginning to worry as to why their owner was insisting on using such an old chopper, when he could buy a new one as a sign that this was indeed the New Dispensation.
There was widespread concern about our owner’s safety in that ramshackle of a chopper.
It, therefore, came as a relief when it was ordered that we suspend funding to schools and hospitals and buy our leader a shiny new bird.
Which self-respecting leader arrives to commission a wood oven, or a fish pond, or a bridge, or a tap, in an old helicopter?
How would the poor masses know that their leader has arrived if he starts visiting them in a mere car? How would they know he has left if he does not leave them in a cloud of dust?
We have standards to maintain.
Across the nation this week, millions sat glued to their television screens as two journalists delivered a masterclass in interviewing techniques.
The occasion was the Annual Presidential Independence Snoozefest. It is a long tradition, dating back to the days when the previous owner had to be occasionally woken up mid-interview to continue the charade.
Our current owner, much to his credit, managed to stay awake. He had to, given that it is hard to sleep when so much hot air is being blown into your face.
Asked Sunday Mail editor Victoria Ruzvidzo: “Any child, an errant child, would get a bit of a sjambok to whip them into line, either physically or through other measures . . . what are we doing with this child of ours, Nelson (Chamisa).”
Many were shocked by the question. How could a real journalist ask that, some said? Why is she calling for violence, others asked?
Well, let’s face it, the only shock here is that she was displaying her CV in public. That is the sort of journalism that gets you to her position at Zimpapers. Allow the lady to display her qualifications in peace.
Watching the Annual Snoozefest, Muckraker was glad to hear the President declare that the MDC-Alliance and their leader are not proper Zimbabweans.
“Before they cut off that Biblical cord with the Americans it’s difficult to be proper Zimbabweans,” Mnangagwa said.
While we wait to hear from one of the country’s foremost medical experts, Dr Obadiah Moyo, on what a Biblical cord is, the nation was happy to hear that there are “proper Zimbabwean” out there.
Very true, Your Excellency. Until you have smuggled gold, smashed in a few heads, flown abroad for treatment at the first sign of a small itch, run a parastatal or two into the ground, stolen from pensioners, and destroyed the future of at least two generations, you cannot call yourself a “proper Zimbabwean”.
It was also encouraging to hear the President incite Chamisa to join Political Actors Dialogue (Polad).
This is the platform where real Zimbabwean opposition parties are invited to air their views on things.
According to Lovemore Madhuku, Polad recommended against the constitutional butchery that went through the House of Assembly this week, but “unfortunately, it appears we are losing the battle as Zanu PF is bent on passing the Constitution of Zimbabwe Amendment Bill (No 2)”.
According to Madhuku, he is also opposed to the so-called “Patriotic Bill”, but Zanu PF is hellbent on pushing it forward. What an excellent advertisement for anyone to join Polad; join us so that we don’t listen to anything you say.
Speaking of opposition, Douglas Mwonzora’s ODO Party — the Opposition that Doesn’t Oppose — once again showed its true colours.
Not a year ago, Mwonzora came out to tell the nation that he opposed the proposed amendment. It was against the spirit of the constitution, he told us. It was undemocratic, he said.
This week, he whipped his MPs into supporting Zanu PF MPs in voting for that very same amendment bill. This is just the sort of erratic behaviour and inconsistency that would make him feel at home in ZanuPF. The man seems to be passing his Zanu PF membership probation with flying colours.
This week, a court in the United States found Derek Chauvin, a white police officer, guilty of murdering George Floyd, a black man.
Of course, our George Charamba was not to be fooled.
According to Charamba: “Derek Chauvin’s conviction a short while ago does not stop [the] killing of men and women of colour in America in tomorrow and in future. He placates the enraged American public while preserving the unjust system that kills so wantonly.”
Of course, any self-respecting Zanu PF lackey will be angry at white America for its “wanton killings” of black people. Zanu PF hates competition.
According to the government, the opposition has failed to run the country’s cities and the government must take over.
“Problems affecting Harare residents due to failed administration by the opposition-run local authority are now being addressed by central government, an official has said,” reported the Herald, quoting Oliver Chidawu, whose official title is too long, but basically means he is idle and got a job from a friend.
According to the Herald, “Chidawu said a number of government projects were in the pipeline to bail out the MDC-led capital city”.
Now that Zanu PF has failed to run a whole country, they are trying to run a city. Flawless logic.
Anyway, it is a relief to hear that an administration that fails at its job must be replaced with a better one. Zimbabweans have been trying to do that now for about four decades, only to be told it was illegal.