A rare blast of ‘good news’ ahead of looting anniversary

BY MUCHRAKER

A festival atmosphere has gripped the nation, two days ahead of April 18, the annual anniversary of the start of national looting.
After almost a century of looting and plunder by white settlers, a new flag was raised at Rufaro Stadium in 1980, marking the start of a new era of looting and plunder by black elites. The country’s first landlord had a long run. He spent two-thirds of his 37 years in office indulging in his hobby of killing, looting and destroying, and the final third sleeping.
On one rainy morning in November 2017, some looters got a bit impatient and decided it was now their turn to eat. So now the country is under a new landlord, and A Looter Continua.

Rare blast

Just in time for the April 18, the nation was given a rare blast of good news this week.
According to the government, the National Youth Service is back. Of course, no doubt, this is after much clamouring by the public for the return of their favourite youthiez, the Green Bombers. We all know the whole country has fond memories of that lot.
Did our new owner not once promise us “jobs, jobs, jobs” upon his heroic return from brief exile? Well, here you are. The youth service programme is a gateway into “enrolment for careers in the police, the army, the air force, nursing and teaching, among others”. Let us not hear any useless complaints that there are no jobs.
And may we not hear Finance minister Mthuli Ncube ever again talking his capitalist nonsense about retrenching youth officers from their critical jobs of sitting around doing nothing.

The subjects

Still with the country’s most patriotic youth programme, Muckraker was surprised when listening to Monica Mutsvangwa announcing what youths would be taught over there.
According to Mutsvangwa, the programme will teach “patriotism, discipline, volunteerism, survival skills, hard work, loyalty, tolerance, resilience, determination and honesty”.
What a disappointing curriculum. Clearly it is incomplete. How can it be a National Youth Service syllabus if it does not include more important subjects, such as “How to Handle a Knobkerrie”, “How to Mobilise Reluctant Villagers to Pungwes”, “How to Burn Down a House”, and some such critical academic pursuits that the youth service in renowned for.

Going nuclear

Also this week, it was announced that Zimbabwe was exploring nuclear energy with our long-time chums, the Russians. Exciting times in the Second Republic.
According to the government: “The anticipated co-operation in the use of nuclear energy for peaceful purposes will provide alternative sources of energy which Zimbabwe needs.”
Our neighbours to the south of the river must be wondering what it is we know that they don’t, after their own nuclear power strategy fell dead in the water. A few years ago, the South Africans planned to add 9,6GW of nuclear power. They looked at the bill; they needed up to US$84 billion and gave up. But they should come and learn from us. Clearly, they missed something.
And anyone who talks about Chernobyl is unpatriotic. Why would you be afraid of leaks? If we can repair sewage pipes we can plug a lousy leaking nuclear plant.
In truth, though, nuclear is a waste of money. We are better off just harnessing all the hot air and biogas produced in the Politburo.

Donors out

Zimbabweans were surprised this week to learn that, suddenly, the country is no longer dependent on donors.
Speaking to the ZBC in an interview to mark 41 years of looting and plundering, the country’s current owner said: “Many countries have received grants to fight Covid-19. Others around us have received billions whilst others, not less than US$300 million. But because of sanctions imposed upon us, we realised that we were on our own and we had to take measures.”
Donors will be shocked to hear this. After all, in Mthuli Ncube’s budget, it is disclosed that donors will give Zimbabwe an amount of US$841,5 million. We would mention the fact that the bulk of the drugs at NatPharm are donated from the evil West, but that would be to sell out the country.

Trigger happy police

A local man is suing the police for shooting him. Naturally, the government has had to defend itself against such frivolous claims.
Home Affairs minister Kazembe and Godwin Matanga, in a court response to the man’s court application, simply said: “The shooting was not an act of negligence, but necessary in the circumstances. The damages incurred cannot be attributed to the defendant.”
Surely, what sort of country would we be if police started having to explain why they shoot people? Is that not the number one job of a Zimbabwean cop? What’s next? Having to explain why human life matters? The police are too busy for such pointlessness. If we waste time retraining our cops, where would they find time to arrest activists — or to shoot people?

Biti judgment

So, this week, an obviously errant judge ruled that the recall of Tendai Biti from parliament was illegal.
Judge Amy Tsanga ruled that Benjamin Rukanda, the gentleman who claimed to be PDP secretary-general and wrote to the Speaker to recall Biti and others, had no proof that he was indeed secretary-general of that party.
One wonders what message the judge is saying? Does this mean that Jacob Mudenda based a decision on a letter from the streetkid without checking? Is the judge saying our Speaker is some sort of joke who has no business sitting in that hideous chair? We certainly hope not.

Fake gunners

A confusing statement came from the security forces this week. Apparently, fake cops are out there robbing the public.
“The robbers are using the name of the ZNA and Zimbabwe Republic Police (ZRP) to dupe unsuspecting victims of their valuable properties,” the statement said.
This was very confusing to many Zimbabweans. Why would police officers disguise themselves in order to steal, when they steal from the public openly on the roads in real uniforms? Which fake cops are these that are robbing citizens? It seems that the fake cops are not allowed to rob people. Only the real cops are allowed to do that.