The nation was in celebratory mood this week after Obert Gutu and James Makore became the latest prodigal children to return to the loving arms of ZanuPF. After years of wandering in the wilderness, cavorting with imperialists, the two announced that they are joining ZanuPF.
We all saw how delighted President Emmerson Mnangagwa was, abandoning all rhetoric about social distancing to jump for joy. Clearly the man is a unifier, uniting everyone under ZanuPF.
Once, when he was still the spokesman for the MDC, Gutu once said: “If you show me a Zanu PF Cabinet minister who isn’t corrupt, I will show you a prostitute who’s a virgin. They are all thieves.”
Since we know everyone in Zanu PF is a thief, the nation waits to hear what Gutu was asked to steal in order to qualify for Zanu PF membership.
Letter from Siberia
The Speaker of Parliament on Wednesday read a letter, purportedly from the People’s Democratic Party (PDP), announcing the recall of six MPs.
Among the MPs was Tendai Biti of Harare East, who once led it after a quarrel with the late former MDC leader Morgan Tsvangirai.
Until this week, nobody knew that PDP still existed. The letter they sent to Speaker Jacob Mudenda must have been sent via courier pigeon from their hideout in some political Siberia.
According to Mudenda, the letter was written by PDP secretary general, one Benjamin Rukanda. A picture soon emerged of Rukanda.
Who could imagine this bored-looking chap standing outside a rural butchery had just taken out a bigwig politician, whom the mighty United States Foreign Affairs Committee called “a friend of the committee”.
One imagines Rukanda must have been hugely unpopular at the local beer hall, telling people stories of how he wrote a letter to a whole Speaker of Parliament, and how the Speaker did as he said without even checking whether Rukanda is a real person, or PDP is even real.
Massive prayers were held in thanksgiving this week after Uebert Angel, one of the world’s holiest men of God, was awarded the lofty title of “Presidential Envoy and Ambassador At Large to the Americas and Europe”.
According to the government, Angel will be “responsible for deepening investment in the country”.
In 2013, Angel grabbed the headlines by claiming he could create “miracle money” through prayer. He even visited the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe. Who needs things like re-engagement to pay off our US$11 billion debts when our new ambassador can just say a few tongues and replenish the national coffers? Those Western creditors won’t know what hit them when we pay them off in a few days. Wait and see.
Still on the new ambassador to the EU and so forth, Muckraker was reminded of press reports in America about a US government sting called “Operation Gold Seal”.
This operation busted a web scam ring that sold over 10 000 fake degrees to people in 131 countries. They made quite a bundle, earning some US$7,3 million from selling fake credentials.
That the list of people who bought fake degrees includes one “Uebert Mudzanire” is neither here nor there. It is only said by sinners jealous of the holy man’s Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration (BBA).
Also neither here nor there is the fact that the man of God was once in legal trouble for promising a man that if he “seeded” his Bentley Continental, black in colour, the believer would in eight months receive more cars, assets and money as blessings.
After all, the ability to make false promises is one of the reasons Mnangagwa chose him to represent the country. It is a trait any politician admires.
Magufuli the great
Muckraker joins the rest of the world in mourning the death of John Magufuli, the President of Tanzania. We are told he died of “heart problems” in his country on Wednesday.
It is un-African to speak ill of the dead, even if they had cheated in elections and butchered their way to another term of office just five months earlier.
Or, when they shut down newspapers and radio stations. Or, when they deny that Covid-19 is real and instead tell people to pray away the flu.
Even when, a few days before his death, four people were arrested for mentioning that the President was ill. Or, even when the Prime Minister, Kassim Majaliwa, told the world that the man was “healthy and working hard” and that “to spread rumours that he’s sick smacks of hate”.
We all know African leaders never really die. Even when they do, they seem to almost recreate themselves in their successors.