Lot’s wife advising on how not to become pillar of salt

MUCKRAKER Twitter: @MuckrakerZim

THIS week, Zanu PF and the ANC held a get-together in Harare, where they exchanged notes on how to loot their countries dry.

Arriving in Harare on Tuesday, the ANC’s six-member delegation wasted no time in dispensing the gullible opposition of any illusions they may have had about saviours coming from the South.

Just a perusal of the names on the ANC delegation left many observers in awe of Cyril Ramaphosa’s cunning genius.

The man just picked the most Zanu PF lot from his lieutenants and sent them over, so they could easily build a rapport with their local relatives.

The head of the delegation was Ace Magashule, the ANC secretary-general. Muckraker recently finished reading Gangster State: Unravelling Ace Magashule’s Web of Capture, by Pieter-Louis Myburgh.

The book details how Cde Ace may have helped himself to about R255 million (US$13,4 million) that he found lying around in the government coffers when he was provincial premier of the Free State.

Evidence would have been found against him, were it not for the small inconvenience of tenderpreneur Igo Mpambani, a potential witness, being gunned down in his car in Sandton.

Then we had Lindiwe Zulu, one of Robert Mugabe’s favourite people. Days ago, it was revealed that a company in which her special assistant had shares won a R22 million (US$1,3 million) contract from her department. This is the sort of leadership we look up to in these parts.

Corrupt gangsters
At the top of the agenda in talks between Zanu PF and ANC was one of the major crises in Zimbabwe — corruption. Who can deny that this stealing thing has destroyed the nation?

Who better to send to deal with this than folks with vast interest in such matters? Which is why we had Tony Yengeni as part of the delegation. The man was convicted of crimes under the arms deal, which sent Jacob Zuma to court ultimately. Yengeni actually served time, all because he took a Mercedes Benz as an innocent gift.

Then there is Nomvula Mokonyane. Just last week, she fumbled and mumbled after being asked at the state capture hearing who paid R2 million (US$119 196) to buy her a luxury Aston Martin. Given state capture in Zimbabwe, an expert on state capture was a definitely needed in this ANC delegation.

As for the Covid-19 scandals, we all know how the Drax scandal caused people to push for July 31 protests. This is why malcontents like Hopewell Chin’ono and Jacob Ngarivhume ended up at Chikurubi. ANC were here to share their experiences.

Remember, in total, it is said the South Africa government may have lost R26 billion (US$1,55billion) in the Covid-19 procurement scandal. What Zimbabwe lost is small change, ANC will tell our comrades. South Africa’s Auditor-General Kimi Makwetu’s said her probe into the theft had revealed “frightening findings”.

Imagine how excited Obert Mpofu was to hear how his ANC corruption role-models pulled off this monumental swindle.

Farce
There was shocking news this week from the country’s leading health expert. Speaking to reporters, Vice-President Constantino Chiwenga said the country would no longer send some of its best sick people outside the country for treatment.

“We will not export our patients. We will not make referrals (to foreign medical facilities) for our patients. It’s everybody,” Chiwenga said.

“Ministers are only about 20, but those who have been going out it’s you, you, me, altogether. That export bill was too high and that’s what we want to curtail. We want to do away with that, and it requires us to carry out restructuring from the village health worker right up to the quaternary hospital.”

It was bad news for private hospitals in Beijing, seeing news that one of their most valuable customers has decided to get treatment at home. It reminds Muckraker of the time a local drunkard became a church goer and decided to stop drinking at the local beerhall. The barman had to cycle 13km to his homestead to cry at his feet.

Selfish
Forty years after Independence, the country is still processing invoices from war veterans for their commercial contract to fight the war.

Further demands were received this week from the contractor. They were paid huge allowances and pensions which bankrupted the country. They were first in line to get farms when they chased away those racist whites. Now they are back with new demands; they want university degrees.

“My thinking now is the government must award us degrees because we went to war and learnt principles of the revolution and we made it,” war veteran leader Douglas Mahiya said.

We all knew that everyone envied Grace Mugabe for her world-famous achievements of getting microwave doctorates. We wonder in which field Mahiya would like to be awarded a degree. It’s clearly not economics.

Waffler
Still with our liberators, Victor Matemadanda remains one of the most useful tools for the opposition.

Each time the government denies something, he goes and confirms it. Remember the time the man went out and told the world that Zanu PF will always find a way of winning elections, even if it lost?

Now, at the weekend, addressing a Zanu PF Manicaland provincial co-ordinating committee meeting in Mutare, Matemadanda said: “I told other people that if you are a sell-out, and if you wake up and pursue your sell-out activities while people are sleeping, this country has something that it will do to you. You will disappear without anyone touching you. This country will deal with you mysteriously. This country is a mystery, you just can’t do as you please.”

One pities government mandarins who have worked overtime to tell the world that abductions are fake. How can you not be grateful for such a truth teller? Give this war veteran a free degree.

2 thoughts on “Lot’s wife advising on how not to become pillar of salt”

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  2. WeMakomo says:

    I sometimes really miss you and your dry and forthright wits Mack. What about having a collection of the analyses and at some point have a bound of case-studies for journalist training?

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